Still Looking For Answers

I had my orthopedic appointment on Tuesday, and left not quite sure how I was feeling. A spinal fusion is about all that can be done from his standpoint He prescribed me some anti-inflammatory medicine and gave me a steroid injection in my hip. 

I'm not sold on the fusion at all. I've always been scared of doing it, and that hasn't changed. There are a lot of pros and cons to weigh out before making such a huge decision. 

The hip injection did nothing besides leave a bruise. And the medicine didn't touch any of the pain. The week went so slowly. On Friday I saw my regular doctor in hopes of getting a referral to a new rheumatologist. I went armed with a list of symptoms and things I would like to be tested for. She very much agreed I need to see one again and upped my dose of meds to see if it would help any. Now it's another waiting game as to when I'll get in with the RA. 

Ruling out an auto immune disorder or any other issue will help me in my decision with the spinal fusion as well. If I have something else going on that will cause lifelong pain, then is there a point? 

I came home feeling defeated Every muscle and joint in my body hurt. I burst into tears, and all through the evening I would calm down and then start crying again. On high pains days it's hard to imagine living the rest of your life in pain. This wasn't just a high pain DAY either. It was 3 weeks straight with no relief. 

Saturday rolled around, and I laid in bed all morning. Everything ached. I have a hard time being comfortable for long periods of standing or sitting, but even laying down lately has been uncomfortable. I "wasted" the whole day doing nothing. I realize that isn't actually wasteful. It's my bodies way of trying to heal itself. No kids meant I could rest. 

Yesterday I woke up and didn't immediately feel discomfort. I took it slow all morning and then was able to do some housework, wrap presents and go to WalMart, all without wanting to curl up and die as soon as I got done.

This morning was much of the same, and I even did a mini purge. How do I accumulate so much "stuff" in such a short amount of time? 

I went for a drive, which I haven't been able to do because sitting has been hurting. I even went and looked at the Christmas star. 

Now that I'm home again, my muscles are starting to ache more. I'm hoping sleep will help. Driving to Iowa is going to suck next week if it still hurts to sit. 

Please pray that I can find relief somehow, some way. 

Life is a Pain...Literally

I write about it often, because I live with it every day. I try to limit my complaining because I'm sure it comes off as needy and annoying. I also don't mean to make it sound like I'm complaining. It's more that I'm trying to bring an awareness to unseen pain. More people suffer from it than you'd think. 

One thing I have learned about chronic pain over the years it that there are good days, there are okay days and there are days where you hurt so badly that you wonder how you're going to make it through the rest of your life when you're only 36? The good days are still painful, but tolerable enough that my brain just automatically logs it as a good day. 

I had my steroid injections at the end of October. I was cautiously optimistic. My body generally doesn't respond to stuff like that, but I really hoped it would this time. After the injections they told me it could be up to 2-7 days before I would feel it working. When I woke up the following morning I already felt a difference. Over the next 5 days I hopped out of bed like Grandpa Joe after Charlie found the golden ticket. There was still some pain, but I could bend without sound effects. I could stand longer.  As quickly as the relief came, it faded away. It started with my hip starting to hurt more and within days, all the pain had returned. I still pushed through, but I called and tried to get into my orthopedic doctor. His next appointment was a month out. (Now I'm down to less than 48 hours!). 

Unfortunately, as the pain started to return, it has come back worse than before. My hip pain has increased. I constantly ache. My joints hurt. My muscles ache like I have the flu. I'm always tired. This weekend has been the worst so far. I still press on as much as I can, but I did let myself just lay and rest all afternoon. I even took a nap. 

The funny thing I've noticed about myself is how much I can fake it til I make it when I'm around other people. I've got the, "Hey! How are you!?" "I'm good!" down pat. Why do I do that!? I did it so many times at church today. I wasn't good. I was ready to crawl into a hole and die, but I stood there smiling and saying I was good. It just comes out automatically. I was in so much pain sitting through the service. The sermon was about being joyful...and I got in the van and yelled at my kids to just be quiet. Our advent activity was getting food to donate to the food pantry, so we went right after church because I knew as soon as I got home I was going to crash and not want to leave the house.

The boys have had to fend for themselves for the most part today. I'm pretty sure James will probably barf up Goldfish at some point.

People offer suggestions, but honestly I've pretty much tried it all. I've tried different natural anti-inflammatory concoctions, regular OTC meds, stretching (which I still do), physical therapy, injections, chiropractor heat, ice and probably more things I've forgotten about. I'm pretty sure my body laughs every time I swallow anything OTC. I could take an entire bottle of Advil and it probably wouldn't touch the pain or faze me in the least. 

I'm just praying that my orthopedic doctor can help me out at my appointment. I have some suggestions and questions for him. I really like him and feel like he listens and will actually try to help me as much as possible. I hate to think that I'll eventually need to have surgery and have a spinal fusion, but it may end up coming down to it. For now I just have to pray and trust that God will show me and the doctor what the next step is. 

A Picture Doesn't Always Tell the Whole Story

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I love taking pictures. I love documenting all the random moments in my life. A lot of times I post pictures through the day because I have a terrible memory, and I can look back and see when certain events happened.

I try to keep it real on Facebook. I share the good and the bad...but not always. Social media has a way of making people think they need to live up to a certain standard, or that life should look a certain way. Every morning I check my memories on Facebook. They pop up old posts from previous years. In general I love looking a pictures, watching videos and reading funny things that happened. Sometimes though, a photo will pop up and I just cringe because I'll flashback to what was really going on. 

I've gone through and deleted some because I needed to do it in order to move forward. Others I keep as a reminder that life isn't always as it seems on someone's Facebook/Instagram etc.

I'll give you some examples of my own.

This is the smile of a mom who was one hundred percent OVER life. Yes. Life. She had cried a thousand tears in the days/weeks leading up to this picture. Every ounce of her was trying to stay happy and positive, while trying to figure out how the heck they would pay plumbing bills and exterminator bills. She was starting to spiral, but had to smile for the the picture.

Here's a woman who traveled all day. Tried not to engage in stress that was being put on her. She wanted to do something fun, while her spouse wanted to go to sleep at the hotel at 4 in the afternoon while she entertained kids. Then when she was finally able to go somewhere felt like she couldn't have fun...but no worries! She'll smile for that picture. 

Here's a girl out shopping with her mom and being silly at Hobby Lobby. What you don't see/hear is that her anxiety is off the charts, and just the sound of peoples voices was about to send her off the deep end. She was irritated and sassy, and just over it all.

This smile. SO SO fake. I can see the exhaustion on her face. This is the face of a mom that had traveled out of state to a wedding. Who was up all night long at the hotel because people were being loud, her baby kept waking up and wanting nursed. Her spouse was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. She had an infected wisdom tooth that no amount of ice and Advil would touch. Then she had to call a tow truck on the day of the wedding because of a flat tire. She had to transfer 2 car seats into another vehicle by herself while it was 90 degrees outside. She had to dress her 3 year old in a tux in a bathroom that had NO air conditioning. She sat through a wedding. She changed said 3 year old out of his tux at the reception in a bathroom...by herself. She nursed the baby alone. She finally sat down at the table only to find out that all the appetizers were gone and no one saved her anything even though she hadn't had a bite to eat since early that morning. But she smiled her way through the rest of the evening even though every part of her was trying not to burst into tears.

Lastly, a mom who just wanted nice family photos. Everyone was crabby. She was the only one excited. The wind was out of control. Her children were out of control. No amount of bribing was helping. There was frustration. And by the time they were driving home, that smiling mama from the picture was in tears and feeling like a failure at life.

There are times I post smiling pictures of the boys, or the 3 of us where we're smiling big smiles and they are very genuine. There are other times that I will ask for a picture and they won't cooperate, so I'll start yelling at them and threaten to take stuff away if they won't "smile for this dang picture already!!" So, there you have it. Now you can play the guessing game on Facebook. Is it real, or did she yell? Ha!

I've tried to play certain areas of my life off as happy, but I look back and can see the fake put on smile to make everything seem fine to the outside world. I think the most important thing to remember is that not everything you see posted is authentic. I don't think we constantly need to air all of our dirty laundry, but just remember that there is always more to every story.

Whoops!

I almost forgot to blog today. It would've ruined my November streak. There's only 7 minutes until tomorrow, so I'd better make this short and sweet.

No matter how you're choosing to celebrate Thanksgiving this year, I hope that you have a wonderful day. I'm thankful we made it to Iowa safely and I'm thankful that my mom and I got to stay up watching House Hunters and just chatting until almost midnight!

Don't forget to wear your fat pants tomorrow! (I'm also thankful for elastic).

Winding Down

Birthdays are over...well almost. We've got a few things to open at Mimi and Pa's house this weekend. It's always fun to celebrate, but I'm also kind of glad when they're over too. I am really happy that I put together a small surprise birthday parade for Daniel (and James too), and I'm thankful for those who came and made it special for them. They had wanted to go to Chuck E Cheese for their birthday, but because of Covid, we couldn't. I said gifts weren't necessary, but of course people still gave them treats, small gifts and lots of balloons. We had fun sucking the helium out of some of them today! Normally I'd say no, but since we're going out of town, why not!? It was pretty entertaining. 

I realized I only have about a week and a half until December, and I need to get my slips of paper made up for the advent activities. I believe this will be our 5th year of doing it and the boys get so excited to see what the activity of the day will be. They've already put their requests in for all of their favorite activities, so it shouldn't be too hard.

I already have their stocking stuffers purchased and Daniel's "Santa" gift. Just need to get some actual gifts, but I want to keep it simple and make sure I give them things that they'll actually use. 

We've been driving through the park several times a week, and James especially has been getting excited watching Christmas in the Park slowly get put up. I enjoy it too. Daniel doesn't care too much. He is one of these, "It's too early. It hasn't been Thanksgiving yet." kinda people. At least I have one kid who gets excited with me!

I'm looking forward to spending the rest of the week with my family in Iowa, and hopefully we'll have a very uneventful trip. Pray for the boys...I'll be putting on a 4 hour Christmas concert tomorrow.

Daniel's 9th Birthday Letter

 Dear Daniel,

I still can't believe it has been 9 years since you were born. I'm writing this at 9:00 pm, which means you were a little over 3 hours old at this same time. We were in for a long night, but I couldn't stop staring at you. We stayed up late and I introduced you to Friends.

This past year has been a crazy one, but we've made it through. 

You finished 2nd grade...in March. You can one day tell your own kids that you lived through a global pandemic and foraged for toilet paper. 

While it wasn't ideal, you did pretty well through the beginning of Covid. You and James basically stayed in "lock down" for 2 months. I would go out and go shopping and come back with tales of masks, and arrows telling us what way we were allowed to shop. We played outside as much as possible. Thankfully everything hit right when Spring was arriving. You guys didn't go to any stores, there was no school and church was live streamed on Facebook. You did play with the boys next door because I wasn't too worried. Playgrounds were closed until June. It was no fun.

By the end of May we made a run for the border. The Iowa border. Restrictions were less, and I was tired of being stuck at home. We spent a week there, and enjoyed seeing people!

It's been a year of changes. You've been very accepting. I will never forget your tears when we told you that I was moving to another house. But after allowing you to ask questions and reassuring you that you would see both your dad and I, you were so calm. In fact, you never seemed fazed by the entire transition after that.  

We did get to return to church this summer. You were going to be baptized on Easter Sunday, but since everything was closed down, we waited until August. It was definitely a proud mom moment.

This year school didn't get to start. You were starting 3rd grade at Memorial and so excited! 2 weeks ago you started the hybrid plan. You got to go to school for 2 days before they went back to all online learning. You were pretty bummed out. So was I.

You are rocking 3rd grade though. I am so proud of how smart you are academically. You have rarely complained about your school work. You make sure you attend all of your Google meets. You've come to preschool with me, and still done all of your work while I'm teaching. You take the initiative to get things done, and you always try your hardest.

Your greatest strengths are and have always been math and science. You are also a really good artist, even though you're not always into it. You have finally found a love for reading and it makes my heart happy to see you engrossed in a good book. You don't like writing, which is weird to me, because my strong points in school were always reading and writing. I was (and still am) terrible at math and science.

You love to create. You put together Lego sets with ease. You build things with magnets. You work meticulously at anything you do.

You keep getting taller and taller. I know one day you're going to pass me up, and that just seems wrong.

You're also maturing...as much as a 9 year old boy can. Of course, you still drive me insane by constantly picking fights with James, copping an attitude with me, or just making a choice that you know is bad, but doing it anyway. But, you've also become more helpful...when you want to be. You carry the groceries in for me, you volunteered to wash the dishes one night, and you carry the dirty laundry basket down the stairs for me so I don't have to lift it.

I know you're in the "life isn't fair" stage when you feel like I make you do everything (which I don't!). Or that you don't get everything you want like a cell phone or an iPad even though "everyone else has one" (which they don't!) 

I'm hoping as you grow older, you'll see that I did my best. I have MANY imperfect moments as a mom and as a person in general. I know my parents did their best with me even though I thought my life wasn't fair when I had to do things or didn't get things as well. It makes you appreciate what you do have all the more. And life isn't about material things anyway. Sure, it's nice to have fun things, but make sure to always be thankful for what you have and to give to others whenever you can. There's always someone who needs something more than you do.

I love you so much. You'll always be my Bubby no matter how old you get. I hope 9 turns out to be an amazing year for you.

Love always, 
Mom

Random Rambles

I really don't know what to write about tonight. I feel like today was an overload of posts, and I've already said everything.

It was a relaxing, but tiring weekend. I spent a quiet Friday night at home. Yesterday I slept in and lounged around until I finally decided I had to go to Walmart to get my oil changed. I ended up roaming the store and probably bought more stuff than I needed, but at least my van is ready to travel. 

Unfortunately, it did a number on my back. I've been hurting a lot this past week. My injections seem to have worn off already. I knew it was likely, but it's still be hard. I had a few days of VERY low pain and much better mobility. Then the pain started to slowly creep back. By this past Thursday the pain was back with a vengeance.

I even got a massage on Friday in hopes that it would help. It did for a few hours. With the pain has come even worse hip pain than I've had before, so that's been fun. I can't get into my orthopedic doctor until mid-December, but it's better than nothing. Not sure what the answer is, but if I have to live forever with these pain levels, that's really going to suck. It's really hard to not get depressed when the pain is higher. I guess my next move would be finding a pain management doctor.

Today was another day of resting. With in person church services cancelled, I slept in again and then got Daniel's birthday presents all wrapped and put under the tree. Haha! I wasn't planning on going anywhere, but about 2:00 I started getting dizzy, and I remembered I hadn't picked up my anxiety medicine, and I hadn't had any since Thursday. Got those in my system and took a drive. Had a cry. Prayed. And God even gave me a little nod by shining sunlight on me. Read my Facebook page Pocket Full of Sunflowers for the full story.

I'm hoping I sleep well tonight. The last 2 nights I've been up and down with weird dreams and 36 year old hot flashes. I can't sleep in much tomorrow because there's a certain birthday boy who is going to want to open his presents. 

I can't believe this kiddo turns 9 tomorrow. Stay tuned for his birthday letter post tomorrow night.

Due Date--Daniel's Birth Story

November 21st not only was my due date once, but twice! I had the same due date for each of the boys, but as it ended up, there's a 3 week gap between their birthdays.

It's time for another memory lane post. This time about Daniel's birth. It's been a long time since I've written about it, but I was a lot more coherent during his birth than James'. Sorry if you've heard me recount this many times before.

November 21st came and went 9 years ago with only a few Braxton Hicks contractions. I knew within a weeks time I would have him because my doctor said she wasn't going to let me go over 41 weeks. I went to my final appointment on the 22nd, and she said she could induce me the following morning (the day before Thanksgiving) or we could wait until after the weekend if he hadn't shown up on his own yet.

Knowing my own doctor was on call all day on the 23rd, and that my parents would be able to come see him for Thanksgiving, I opted for an induction on the 23rd. I had to be at the hospital at 6:30 am. I was an emotional wreck that night. I was excited and terrified. Excited to become a mom. Terrified of giving birth.

I couldn't believe it when the nurse showed us to my delivery room. It was the exact room we had seen when we toured the hospital a couple of months before and it's the room I always pictured in my mind when I thought of having him.

There was a lot going on that morning, so I changed into my hospital gown and just chilled until about 8:30 when they finally came in and got the pitocin going in my IV. Not much happened until my doctor came in at 10:30 and offered to break my water. Sure. How bad can that be? Well...she then asked if the resident could break it? It's a learning hospital, so I'm game. HOLY HECK. It wasn't pleasant...and after a few unsuccessful attempts my OB stepped in.

Once my water was broken I started having contractions. They were painful, but not awful. I was still on the fence about getting an epidural. A nurse came in at about 11:30 to ask if I wanted one. I told her I wasn't sure yet and she told me I should probably decide because there were a bunch of women in labor and they might not get to me if I wait too long.

In the end I opted for one. My biggest worry was how it would work with my scoliosis. I had the epidural placed. It was uncomfortable, but tolerable. Then I waited for the magic to kick in. I waited. And waited. And waited some more. When the nurse came back I told her I could still feel everything. She told me it was normal to feel the squeezes of the contractions. I was like, "No. I am not numb at all, and it feels like I'm being stabbed." She confirmed the the epi had failed and called another anesthesiologist in. This one really hurt going in. The nurse held my hand as a swore under my breath.

Then I waited...and waited. They asked me if it was working. I told them my toes were tingling, but I could still feel everything. While I was waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back, the contractions were getting stronger. One of the med students came in to inform me that, "The race is on! There's 8 of you in labor right now! Oh, and you're having some really strong contractions!" Dude...ya think!? 

They were able to fix the second epidural and then there was sweet relief. Around 3:30-4, I called the nurse in because I was feeling a little different. The last time they had checked I was around 7cm She checked me and I was at a 10! 

They paged my doctor, and told me not to push. I mean...I was numb and didn't know what I was doing, but I was going to try! She was at the other hospital delivering a baby, and my body was content to just chill. Daniel's and my stats were great, so we just waited. 

She arrived at 4:30 and the push party began. Literally. There were at least 2 nurses, my doctor and a couple med students. Pushing was my favorite part. I know that sounds weird, but since there was no pain, just pressure, it didn't bother me. My doctor was cracking jokes, and I was joining it between pushes. At one point I said I was starving and wanted a cheeseburger. She told me, "You push this little guy out, and we'll get you a cheeseburger!"

5:46pm, Daniel was born. I remember the first cries. And they let me hold him and do skin to skin the whole time that they worked on me. I just couldn't get over how perfect he was. We did A LOT of bonding that night because he didn't think sleep was needed...but hey, I did get that cheeseburger, along with fries and an apple pie. 

I'm Dreaming of a White Thanksgiving...Christmas....Winter

Thank the Lord...it's finally Friday. I don't know about anyone else, but this week couldn't have gone any slower if it tried. I've thought it was Friday since about Tuesday. I'm looking forward to a quiet and relaxing weekend and no school next week! That means no remote learning, which means no epic 6 year old meltdowns over every little thing school related. Too bad that won't turn off all the other fits.
Monday we'll celebrate Daniel turning 9 and then a day or two later, it's off to Iowa for more birthday celebrations and Thanksgiving. 

I'm kind of hoping it'll decide to snow while we're there. I haven't even looked at the weather, but I could go for a beautiful snowfall right about now. I want the big flakes that fall in slow motion. A Hallmark snow, if you will. 

All of my Iowa friends are cursing me right now for saying the "s" word, I'm sure. 

The funny this is, I really hated winter for the longest time. It wasn't until I moved to Illinois that I started to love it. Even then, it wasn't until after I had kids. I like to say that James broke my internal thermostat. I was hot my whole pregnancy with both of them, but after having James my body never reset to factory settings. I usually don't even have a winter coat on until is below freezing unless I'm going to be outside for awhile. I don't even think about wearing one into a store usually, because I'll die from a hot flash.

Central Illinois winters are far milder than Eastern Iowa winters, that's for sure. The first year I lived here everyone was freaking out about 2 inches of snow, and I'm kind of over here like...um okay...? It generally doesn't get as cold. We've had some pretty cold snaps a few of the years that I've been here though. We for sure get less snow. Maybe that's why I get so excited when I see it in the forecast. The ONE time Taylorville got a MASSIVE snow, I was in Iowa and it didn't snow at all there. By the time I came home the next day it was almost all melted.

Ice I could live without. And I'm thankful I don't have to drive far in the snow. I'd probably hate it a lot more if I did.

I'd just like a snowy winter. There. I said it. (And now it probably won't snow at all.)

Thankful Thursday

There are about a million things I could complain about tonight, so I figured it was about time for a Thankful Thursday post.

2020 has sucked...and honestly it's hard to remember the positive things that have happened. There's always something to be thankful for though.

1. I am thankful for my kids. We may drive each other to the brink of insanity daily, but I could not imagine life without them. I never imagined myself being a boy mom after growing up with sisters. Boys are much different, but God knew I was meant to be their mama.

2. I am thankful for a God who will always love me no matter what. I screw up daily. I distance myself. I do and say things I know I shouldn't. While I have struggled in my relationship with God this year, he hasn't left my side. He's been there to whisper reminders in my ear that things would be okay, that he was with me, and that he would carry me if I would just let him. (Don't ask my why I'm so stubborn even when it comes to God. I'm still trying to figure that out.)

3. I am thankful for my home. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up divorced. Growing up I had my little fairy tale life planned out. It didn't go that way, but that's okay. It's given me a new chapter. God had this place in mind for me, and it became available just when I needed it. By then end of the weekend that I moved in, it felt like home. As a bonus, I am thankful for my next door neighbor, and my quiet little neighborhood.

4. I am thankful for my job. I know one day it won't be enough income and I will have to move on, but for now and the next few years I am so happy I get to do what I do. I am also thankful that I've been paid even for the times we haven't been able to have school. There are days I am ready to pull my hair out, but watching the kids learn and grow is so worth it.

5. I am thankful that so far (knock on wood), I am the only one to have been super sick this year, and that even though people thought I had Covid, I did not. The boys health is what matters. 

6. I am thankful that I now have actual medical insurance, and I don't have to feel bad about going to be seen. 

7. I am thankful for my church. Between the shut down and getting a divorce, I had a fear that I would feel judged or unwelcome, but no one has made me feel that way. I love getting to sing, and be a part of the family.

8. I am thankful that I have the ability to laugh and find humor in life. Sometimes it's the only thing holding me together, but without laughter life would be so depressing.

9. I am thankful for my family. I know, I already said the boys. But I am thankful for my parents, sisters and extended family. I am especially thankful for my parents and sisters standing beside me, encouraging me, and all of our Facebook chat sessions!

10. I am thankful for my Christmas tree. Okay, I know I keep talking about Christmas, but I swear it feels more magical this year. It's like the last little glimmer of hope in a year that went to hell in a hand basket in March. First of all, have you even stopped to think about how random it is that we all just plop a tree inside our houses? Christmas is just giving me all the feels this year, and I love that I started decorating early because now I have over a month to enjoy it!

There you have it. What are you thankful for?

Trying to Outweigh the Bad With the Good

I am REALLY trying to stay off the struggle bus, but it's so hard when people feed you negative news. I'm doing what I can to stay positive, including starting a Facebook page dedicated to encouragement and making a positive impact. Blocking the news has been the best choice I've made. The only things I follow still are the local newspaper and news radio page, and that's enough. I try to keep scrolling when I see something I know will set me off. I get sucked into the comments occasionally, but I don't let myself comment. I've also decided not to share anything Covid related on my personal Facebook page. Even if it's humorous. I'll just share with personal friends outside of my news feed. 

I will however, allow myself to talk about it on here from time to time. I realize I post my blog on Facebook, but people have the option to read it or pass on by.What's pulling me down right now is the feeling that we're living the exact same thing over and over again. 2 Friday the 13th's shut the darn world down, sent people into a frenzy, and now schools are out until who even knows when. I don't want to do this again. I want to be in my classroom with my kids. I don't like being told this is my new normal. No it's really not. Yes, I have to accept life as it is right now, but it sure as heck isn't normal. I wonder what people were like during the Spanish Flu? Where they as stressed out 100 years ago? It does go to show that eventually things will return to normal though. 

Even though all of this is trying to drag me down, there are still good things happening. 
I big shout out to my preschool families. I don't know that they'll see this, but I have truly been blessed with amazing families last year and this year. I just feel lucky to have all of them in my life. They have been nothing but supportive and kind. I miss their kids like crazy. Each one of them brings a spark of joy to my life.

Tonight, the boys and I made turkey crafts to take to the care center. It really touched my heart taking our preschool kids on Halloween to do a parade past the residents windows. To see their faces light up when they saw the kids standing outside their windows, waving and yelling, "Happy Halloween!" was so precious. 

It also added more perspective. These are people. People need human contact, and they're confined to their rooms or at least to just the center itself. Their loved ones can't come in. They can talk through the windows. Just last week, I was handed a card from one of the residents. In shaky cursive writing it said, "Thank you for the Halloween parade." and was signed by one of the residents. It brought tears to my eyes. Now they're going to be alone on Thanksgiving. While we only had enough crafts for 12, I pray that whomever receives them will feel a glimmer of hope and happiness. How I wish I could go in and hug them all. I know this sounds terrible, but I'm thankful that my grandma passed away almost 2 years ago now. I can't imagine what it would have been like for her in her assisted living, but I'm glad she doesn't have to go through it. I just hope these residents know they are being thought of.

Tomorrow will be hectic. Noodle deliveries, school work, 2 Google class meets between both boys, and a stop at Daniel's school to pick some things up. I made it without falling asleep today, but something tells me I might pass out tomorrow!

Parenting is Rough

 It's been a day. The fact that it's only Tuesday doesn't help. I'm trying to refocus, but man, kids are exhausting.

Last night I thought James was getting sick. He started crying at 5:30 and kept telling me that his head hurt. I knew it must really have been hurting because he accepted medicine without a fit. My biggest fear was that he was going to start throwing up. He didn't have a fever, but he said he might throw up. I made sure he had a bucket, and within 15 minutes he was fast asleep on the couch. I woke him just enough for him to walk up the stairs and get into his bed. He slept for almost 14 hours and by this morning you'd have never known he didn't feel good last night.

That didn't work to my advantage in the school department. I have no idea why everything is such a battle with that boy. He's smart, but I swear he turns into a psycho the minute he has to do work. "It's SO hard!" "I can't dooooo this!" He could be done so much faster and with so much less frustration if he would just focus.

Then Daniel decided to have the attitude of the century today. This resulted in me sounding like a true parent. I used the whole, "When you live in my house, where I pay the rent and the bills, you follow my rules. You respect our things or you lose them." Whew. Then sass came on strong after that. So, today I was the mean mom, who makes life unfair. He kept saying things under his breath (flashbacks to when I did that to my mom...Mom, I'm so sorry!) I told him he needed to lose the attitude, and he told me to lose mine...so THAT was fun. Then he copped an attitude when I asked him what he wanted for a snack? I gave him options and he goes, "Whatever. They're probably stale." Needless to say, he did not have a snack today either. I think he's finally rebounded, and we're having a much better evening. It's really hard being a parent. I would like to go back and laugh at pre-mom Rachel, because that Rachel thought parenting seemed like a breeze.

We haven't left the house since Sunday. Tomorrow I have to go to work, so I'll at least have motivation to get up and moving. We might have to go for a ride just to not be at home for a bit.

I'm back to falling asleep in the afternoon lately. Not good when you want to sleep at night. I just nod right off. It doesn't help that it's getting dark so early now either. I love the cold. I love winter. I don't much care for darkness at 5. It's like any motivation to do anything is sucked out of me. The nights are long. We can't go outside and play. We'll survive though.

Right now, I'll enjoy my Christmas tree and pray for better days ahead!

Festive Fun!

 Since I'm feeling festive:

1. Your favorite Christmas movie?
Okay, this is already hard. It's a toss-up between 3. Elf, Christmas Vacation and Home Alone. 

2. When did you learn the truth about Santa?
What truth? I actually don't remember. I can't pinpoint an exact age. I think I just silently figured it out and didn't even say anything for awhile because I didn't want my parents to be sad that I knew. 

3. Favorite Christmas song?
Would it even be the Christmas season if I didn't belt out, "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey 50,000 times?

4. Christmas song that makes you cringe?
It's between Santa Baby and Baby It's Cold Outside. Although I like Baby, It's Cold Outside. I have to change the channel or skip Santa Baby.

5. Your favorite tree ornament?
It's my new one that I bought for this year. I was at Hobby Lobby and then had a bunch of family ones. I posted it the other night, but it's a mom and her 2 boys.

6. Colored lights or white lights?
I used to be a strictly colored lights girl. This year I stepped out of my comfort zone and the little tree I bought for my room only has white lights, while my main tree has colored lights.

7. Favorite Christmas tradition?
I have so many if we're talking about all the time leading up to Christmas. I'm going to have to go with Christmas in the Park, and the way that we open presents. Stocking first. Breakfast break. Then on to the regular presents. You open one at a time so you can see what everyone got.

8. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Sigh. I am all about gift bags because I hate wrapping...BUT I feel like unwrapping gifts as a kid is way more fun than just pulling something out of a bag, so I try to wrap just about everything.

9. Favorite holiday scent?
Probably peppermint or fresh baked cookies.

10. Real or artificial tree?
Fake. I love real trees and begged for them growing up. We had real ones for several years before my mom switched to fake. I'd probably end up with a super dead tree by Christmas, so fake is the way to go.

11. When do you open gifts?
Christmas morning. But you always get to open a a gift or 2 on Christmas Eve. My tradition with the boys is they get a new pair of jammies on Christmas Eve. I bought myself a pair this year too. I ordered mens because they didn't have any talls...hopefully I picked the right size!

12. Favorite stocking stuffer?
I LOVE stockings! My favorites are candy and fuzzy socks.

13. Favorite Christmas meal?
I'm not a traditional ham girl. I make "roast beast". Then of course mashed potatoes, rolls and pie!

14. Do you travel for the holidays? 
Yes, but not on Christmas. Christmas is a stay home day. This year it's especially important because I want the boys to be able to spend time with each of us on Christmas Day. We usually travel to Iowa after Christmas. 

15. Hot chocolate or Eggnog?
Hot chocolate! I've never been brave enough to try eggnog. It makes me think of cousin Eddy.

16. Favorite Christmas treat?
Um...all of them? I love Buckeyes, haystacks, almond bark pretzels and sugar cookies.

17. Does Santa wrap gifts or just leave them under the tree?
Wrapped...in different paper that stays hidden.

18. Snow. Love it or dread it?
Bring it on! Many years ago I hated winter, but I've grown to love it. Let it snow!

19. What do you leave for Santa?
Milk and cookies

20. What's on your wish list this year?
Nothing major. Maybe just some books and Bath and Body works stuff. I did get myself a purse and some Mama Bear slippers. 

Short and Sweet

I've officially written every day for half of November. I'm doing better than the last few years.

I'm happy to say that in just the 2 days that I blocked news outlets on my Facebook page, I've felt less stressed. I still hear things, but at least it isn't in my face as much. I did buy more toilet paper yesterday because apparently people are going nuts and buying it all again. That one still baffles me.

Tomorrow starts a brand new school week. I'm not really looking forward to being virtual and not even having work, but we are going to make the best of this. We're going to take this one day and time. We've made it this far and we will keep on plugging away. I'm going to miss my preschool kiddos though. I've had so much fun being back with them the past 9 weeks. Hopefully we'll be back in 2 weeks.

I'm still thinking about starting that Facebook page. My goals with it are to bring happiness and cheer and spread God's love. I need help with ideas for a name for the group. Something happy or uplifting. Drop me some of your suggestions. 

That's all I've got for today. Keeping it short and sweet. 

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas!

The halls have been decked! 

I am so happy! I started off my day by sleeping in. Then I ran out to do a couple of errands. A big shout out to Meredith at Happy Baked Goods for hooking me up with extra cookies. She made my whole weekend.

I stopped at another local store,went for a drive and then headed home to start bringing all of the Christmas bins into the house from the garage and haul the Christmas tree in as well. I still laugh because it looks like a body bag. 

My mom had tried to convince me that I should probably get a pencil tree this year because it was going to be hard to fit a full sized tree and still have space in my living room. I waffled back and forth for awhile and kept looking at skinny trees online, but my heart just wouldn't let me do it. I needed my big tree. Especially this year. I thought about how I could fit it without it taking up so much space. I finally decided one night last week that if I moved my TV, it just might fit in the corner.

It did! All the lights worked. I had to "fluff" it out and then set to work on the ribbon...which I had to redo because I ran out too early and it looked stupid. From there my living room exploded into a giant disaster. I was struggling trying to figure out what looked best where. I found a few things that didn't spark joy, so they went into my donate pile. 

Eventually I needed more Command hooks, so I went to Walmart. Of course since I was purging a few things I don't love anymore, I had to get a few other decorations. They didn't have the hooks I needed though, and so I ended up at Ace too. Then back home to eat and put together a shelf. I finished hanging things up and then moved on to decorating the tree.

I saved the boys' ornaments for them to hang up when they come home. I used to envision myself being the "fun" mom, but I can't handle it. I have to be able to decorate on my own, and not have "help". I have to think things through and move things around a hundred times without anyone giving me unsolicited advice. Thankfully they accept that, and they know we'll do other fun activities together too. 

Now, here I sit, enjoying the glow of the Christmas tree. Listening to the rain. And wondering what time I'll fall asleep tonight because I'm wide awake right now. No church tomorrow though. We're shut down this Sunday, so maybe I'll actually spend some time relaxing tomorrow before the boys come home.

Seeking Serenity

I was just going to write about my day again, but I've got something else on my mind and on my heart tonight. My anxiety has been really high lately, and I couldn't pinpoint why until tonight.

I have vocalized over and over my thoughts and feelings on Covid. I've seen others who believe the same, and others still who feel quite the opposite. I'm realizing that me venting my frustrations to the Facebook world isn't helping anything. I see posts that trigger me and I feel the need to comment. I see the news sites posting updates. We have a local Facebook page that tells the current stats each day. Social media is causing my anxiety. 

While I don't plan to quit using social media, I am realizing I need to just stop venting my feelings about that topic. I need to stop engaging at all when it comes to posts about the current state of the world. I need to block certain pages and people who frustrate me to the point that I can feel my chest tightening. I know the friends and family I can vent to and confide in. I do not need to try and push my own agenda on others. No one is going to change my views, so why would I think I can change someone else's view? All it's doing is making me stressed out, bitter and negative. That's not who I want to be.

I may slip, but I'm hoping this blog post will keep me accountable. My sister Erica was there for me a lot this year. We're miles apart. We have totally different views politically and on the world, and yet we love and respect each other so much. She has been a rock for me when I have fallen apart. She's sat and watched snap chats of me bawling my eyes out while telling her what's going on. Somehow she always has good advice. Sometimes I don't listen to it. She's always telling me that in AA they say The Serenity Prayer. We all know it. Sometimes when I see things over and over in life, they lose their meaning. I think she's right though. I need to accept what I cannot change, have the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

If I want to calm my anxiety, I have to stop letting negative things take up space in my mind. I cannot change what is happening around me, but I can change my attitude. (Unless you're one of those good friends...you'll probably still hear some frustrations, but I'll try to tame it down!)

I've been toying with the idea of starting a Facebook page. There are a few that I follow that post funny memes or positive quotes. I like the idea of having a positive place. Somewhere where people can feel refreshed and uplifted. What do you think? Should I?

Shut Downs, Shoes and Other Such Shenanigans

From the moment I woke up this morning it was "Friday". Do you ever have days like that where you think it's a certain day and no matter how many times you remind yourself what day it actually is, you still forget?

While this wasn't a bad day, I would say it was a bit chaotic. This afternoon I was faced with a dilemma.  Keep preschool open, or shut down? Covid cases are on the rise, and we've got families who are personally affected. I consulted a couple of friends for advice and then the preschool committee. I'm pretty bull-headed when it comes to shut downs. I fought to keep us open in March. I fought for us to reopen this Fall. Today my gut instinct was going against my normal thoughts. My instincts are usually pretty right, and when everyone else kind of said what I was thinking, it was decided we will shut down until after Thanksgiving.

I'm pretty bummed out, but I'll still go in and work on some things here and there. My classroom will not stand still like it did in March. It was so sad walking into a classroom with St. Patrick's Day artwork hanging on the wall in June. I have faith we'll be good to go again after a couple of weeks off though. We were already off the week of Thanksgiving anyway. We had our last day of school last spring on Friday the 13th, and today I sent out a message saying that we were closed effective Friday the 13th. I feel like I should go buy toilet paper or something.

While all this was going on, and I was trying to get a bill taken care of on the phone, the boys run in to tell me that Daniel's shoe is on the garage roof. Please note that Daniel kicked his shoe up into a tree at the start of the first quarantine, so I swear this better not be an omen. This time it, "wasn't his fault". He was just kicking ball and it flew off up there. I was really hoping my Ring camera caught it, but it did not. It also managed to not catch me yelling at him that I wasn't buying him another pair of shoes and that he could just wear his shoes that didn't fit, because you know, I'm such a loving mom sometimes. 

I texted my neighbor to see if she had a ladder. She only had a step ladder and it wasn't tall enough. My neighbor across the street came through...and Daniel even carried the ladder and held it for me as I climbed up and then used a broom to knock it further down until I could get the handle in the shoe and pull it the rest of the way. Oh...and I was in my pajamas the whole time.

Tonight I discovered James eats skin and finger/toenails, so there's that. Being a mom is a very interesting job.

Then my 90 year old grandma called me. Oh, how I love that woman. 90 and she isn't scared of Covid. It was fun talking to her and listening to her take on all of this craziness. I told her about the shoe on the roof and she laughed and said, "Your dad got mad at the neighbor boy once and threw his shoe up on the roof!" Guess shoes on the roof runs in the family.

Now here I sit. Tomorrow is Friday...again. Except I won't be going to work so it'll probably feel like Saturday and I'll really be thrown for a loop. At least I'm not quarantined. I've got shopping to do and then decorating! It's time to deck these halls!

Wednesday Recharge

While it's been amazing to be back at work for the past 2 months, it was nice to have a day off today. Even with the boys I was still able to recharge. I told the boys last night that I was going to sleep in today, and they actually left me alone until 9:30! Daniel asked what we were going to do today and I said probably nothing. 

Well...that turned not to be true. Once I was up and dressed, I kicked into high gear and told the boys they needed to clean their room. Daniel of course called me out on "not doing anything today", but begrudgingly complied when I told them that if they didn't go through their stuff today, that I would when they're at their dad's, and throw things away. We got things pretty well organized and I even got them to part with some crap. James is more willing to let go of things than Daniel is. I decided the boys needed clean bedding too, so I stripped those and tossed them in the laundry.

Next we had to get our grocery pickup from Walmart. Daniel has really stepped up on grocery days. He always helps carry the bags in and sometimes he'll grab the ones I'm already holding and tell me that he's got it. Today he unloaded it all while I put everything away.

Once that was done, "purge mode" was activated again. I was tossing things right and left. I swear, nothing feels better than knowing you're freeing yourself of clutter. I still have more to do, but it felt great. 

The sun was shining and the sky was blue, so we decided to take a drive. I had to drop off some stuff in the UPS box anyway. It was beautiful. A little chilly, but I'm so happy that the cold front finally moved back in. We ended up at the lake. I sat and stared at the water for awhile, while the boys played on the little playground. Why is water so comforting?

Once we were home I did a little more cleaning and had some me time while the boys hung out upstairs. And tonight was just low key.

All in all, it ended up being a perfect day off. Back to work tomorrow, but we're doing pajama day and a movie the next 2 days, so it should be pretty laid back.

The Little Things In Life

Simple things I do for my mental health or to find happiness.

 1. I go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs. I was nicknamed the family dog growing up (along with the "pee whiner"), because I loved going on car rides. I still do. I love driving aimlessly. It's so refreshing and helps me clear my mind.

2. I take pictures. This is something I want to get back into more. I lack confidence, but I know that I could be really good at it. Who wants to teach me their photo shop skills, because I totally fail in that area.

3. I window shop online. I can't tell you how many times I scroll through Amazon, Zulily, Etsy and more. I make lists or favorite things that I love, even though I likely will never buy it them.

4. I decorate for holidays and seasons. I definitely got this from my mom. I like changing things up and putting up different decor brings me joy. I'm enjoying my last few days of Fall, before I deck the halls!

5. I listen to worship music. God speaks to me most through music, which is why you'll see me posting lyrics or links to my favorite songs. He speaks in other ways, but I've always felt a huge connection to him while in worship.

6. I get lost in a good TV series. Sometimes I just need to shut my mind off to the world, so I'll find a show and binge away. I probably watch too much TV, but oh well.

7. I read. Although, these past few years I've been so bad at reading. I get glued to my phone or other things, when I should really pick up a good book and get lost in it. I used to read ALL the time. I love reading chapter books to the boys each night too.

8. I vent. Sure, it's not the most positive thing, but I've got a few friends that I know I can vent to and get things off of my chest and they'll be there to show their support or crack me up with funny memes and gifs.

9. I look at real estate listings. I know that sounds so weird, but I LOVE looking at pictures of houses. I especially love finding old houses that have been restored. 

10. I call my mama. Or we chat online. We talk or chat at least once a day. Sometimes it's just a short check in, and other times we'll end up chatting for an hour or more. It's just nice to know my mom is there and even though I've stressed her out with my problems over the years, she's always there for me.

Random Questions

1. You have to go on a road-trip from Maine to San Diego CA. You have to bring 3 people. Who are they? 
   My mom and my sisters, of course! We would drive each other insane, but end up laughing our butts off the rest of the time. 
2. What about yourself are you really self-conscious about?
   I rarely tell anyone this, but I am super self-conscious about my lazy eye. It has bothered me my whole life because I feel like that's what people are paying attention to and then all l can think about while I'm trying to speak is that they're staring at me. Although, when I'm comfortable around someone, I feel far less self-conscious.
3. What is something you like that most people don’t?
   Candy corn
4. What is something most people like that you don’t?
   Anything lavender scented.
5. If you had someone following you around all the time what would you have them do?
   Either clean up whatever disaster has been created around me, or slap the junk food out of my hand.
6. We look back now at slavery and are appalled and shocked. What will people look back at us 50 years from now and be shocked and appalled by?
   Literally everything that has happened in 2020 from Covid, to the BLM protests, to the dumpster fire that was our presidential election. And just the way people treated others and picked fights about everything. I'm appalled and shocked living through it right now.
7. If you had to delete all but 3 apps from your smartphone, which ones would you keep?
   Facebook,  TikTok and Amazon
8. My pet peeve is…
   Only one!? I've got way more than that! How about 3?
   1. People using the wrong form of your/you're.
   2. Cigarette smoke/the smell of it. It makes me want to vomit and gives me an immediate headache.
   3. The McDonald's drive thru.
9. Buried or cremated?
   Cremated. It's cheaper and I'm dead...sooo...
10. What’s a compliment someone gave you still think about?
    In the past 5 months I've had 3 different people...2 who are older than me, tell me that I have been an inspiration to them. It caught me off guard the first time, and by the third I was like, "What in the world!?" So, even though I don't see myself as some amazing person, that has really stuck and I'm trying my best to be a good example and "inspiration" to others.

Back to School!

I can't believe that I'm sitting here on November 8th, talking about tomorrow being the "first day of school"! Tomorrow the boys start their hybrid learning. What does that mean? It means they'll go to school on Mondays and Tuesdays each week. The rest of the week will be remote learning as they have been doing since August.

They will only attend about 4 hours on those 2 days, but I am happy that they're finally going to get some in school structure and learning. I don't get a break. Tomorrow I'll be up earlier to get us out the door. I've got 2 drop offs at 2 schools. From there I go to work and once I'm done at work it's time to go pick up 2 kids at 2 schools. 

I've being hyping it up all weekend. Today we packed their backpacks, and everything is ready to go in the morning. Daniel is excited. James is excited but he told me he's a little bit nervous too. We talked about everything that will happen at drop off and that I can't go in with him. I am so thankful that he's been in North a million times, so he's comfortable with that. Here's hoping there aren't any tears. He told me, "I'll wave at you!" 

With the Covid cases skyrocketing in our area recently, I kept waiting for the district to drop the hammer again. There are many that don't agree with us going hybrid and others of us who are happy about it.

I have faith that all will be okay and that I've made the right decision for my kids. I have total respect for those who have decided to stay full remote because they are concerned. It's the ones who condemn those of us sending our kids that irritates me. I've had someone tell me to my face that I'm putting my kids lives and their teachers lives in danger.

Umm, hello! I've been back to teaching for 8 weeks. My kids are with me. I could potentially get it from my preschool kids. My own kids are around my preschoolers. We go to church. We go to parks. We go shopping. I'm honestly more worried about Daniel getting strep because every time he goes back to school he gets strep. (Maybe the masks will help)

The schools have plans and procedures in place. I fully understand that at any point one of them may be exposed and we will all have to quarantine. It's not ideal...and let's face it, if it happens before Thanksgiving and we don't get to go to Iowa, I will cry. But we'll make the best of it.

My prayers are with the teachers and kiddos as they return this week. March 13th is the last time these kids attended in person. Teachers will be juggling classes of kids and remote learning at the same time. There's going to be a learning curve, but so far communication has been great with both of the boys' schools. It's easy to reach their teachers, and get information. 

Tomorrow I will drop my kids off to start brand new adventures! And I'm sending in chocolate to their teachers, because every teacher needs a backup supply of chocolate!

Here's a few "back to school" pics I snapped tonight. I'll load the rest later when my computer decides to cooperate better.

Finding the Positives

I'm going to keep this short tonight. I don't think many people are reading anyway.

I'm trying to not engage in any political posts on social media, and for the most part I'm trying to just not comment my opinion on Covid anymore either. At least on other people's posts. My brain is exhausted from hearing about both. My only thoughts I want to share on the election are these:

*Something super sketchy is going on.  I do believe there was cheating. I don't know how. I also think there was probably cheating on both sides, but things just don't add up.

*At the end of the day, not everyone is going to be happy, but God is still the true ruler, and he'll get us through no matter who is in charge of our country.

*Lastly, I think we can all agree that the only good thing to come from the election and Covid are the memes.

To offset the negative, here are a few positives from this past week:

*The weather has been beautiful! We've spent hours at the park, outside and enjoying the sunshine. (I'm ready to bust out my Christmas shirts though!)

*I got my favorite Happy Baked Goods cookies this week. 

*Made it through our 8th full week of preschool. One of the best feelings is when one of the kiddos says, "Ms. Rachel? I love you!" 

*Found out I'm FINALLY getting part of a settlement check from insurance from the tornado almost 2 years ago!

*Got to celebrate James turning 6 and also got to sing a late happy birthday to my niece and watch her eat some birthday pie thanks to technology.

No matter how many lows I hit, there are always positive moments to be found.

Deck The Halls!

The Christmas Spirit has hit hard this year! I love Christmas anyway, but this year nothing is holding me back. I've enjoyed my fall things for the past 2 months, so why not spend 2 months with my Christmas decor too? 

I'm very thankful that God has given us an amazingly beautiful fall this year. Some years I feel like summer turns directly to winter, but this year I feel like God said, "You know what? It's been a bad Earth year...I'll give you some extra beauty." Or, maybe we're just not taking as much for granted this year.

For the "haters", I love Thanksgiving too! I promise. I just roll Thanksgiving right in with Christmas. October-December are literally the best months of the year. The boys and I are even doing a "Thankful Pumpkin" this year. I'll post pictures sometime. 

My urge to put up Christmas has been strong this past week. I've started listening to Christmas music daily because it makes me happy. I'm trying to figure out if I have enough space for my big tree in my living room. My mom had me almost convinced to get a pencil tree...but it kills me. I love my full size tree. I'm convinced I'm going to make it work, so we shall see. I'm not even going to attempt it until the boys are at Jacob's, because I get stressed out with "help". They'll still get to put ornaments on though.

Today we went to Springfield just for fun. I knew the boys would jump at the chance to go to Scheel's, so off we went after preschool. We had fun looking around and riding the Ferris Wheel of course. They appeased me and we went to Michael's (I didn't torture them with Hobby Lobby this time), and I made it out with only one Christmas decoration. We did a quick trip through Target and then headed to Walmart for school supplies. Mom of the year over here procrastinated because what was the point in buying new until now?

While we were there, I of course needed to take a stroll down the Christmas aisles. I was doing good, and the next thing I knew a 4 ft. flocked tree jumped into my cart. I've been envisioning a tree in my bedroom, and I have plenty of space, so why not? I always contained Christmas to the living room and dining room at the old house. Time to let the cheer spread through the whole house! The boys even entertained themselves with Christmas stuff while I was deciding on decor. I decided I wanted a buffalo plaid tree. I love it! It's small, but perfect. Now I just need a topper. The one I bought weighed the whole tree down. The boys think it's great. Even Daniel who was a bit skeptical of me putting a tree up on November 6th.

I love the build up and anticipation. Once gifts are open on Christmas, it's almost sad. I want to enjoy the holiday spirit as much as I can this year. Daniel brought up the Advent calendar activities we do each year. This will be probably our 5th or 6th year of doing it. We do acts of kindness and other fun activities each day leading up to Christmas. It has reached the point where they have their favorites, and so we do a lot of the same things, but that's okay! I look forward to it each year, and it's so much better than Elf on the Shelf...at least for me.

49 days until Christmas! Here's hoping I can help send some holiday cheer your way!

She is STRONG

When 2020 began, I decided that I would pick a word of the year to carry me through. It was just something I really felt was important because I knew in my heart that this year would bring big changes in my life. Or at least I hoped so.

After much consideration and even prayer, I picked the word "strength". What I learned was that if you're going to pick a word, you had better be prepared because I had no idea how much I would be tested this year.

I feel as though I have been through every single emotion imaginable. It's been a roller coaster ride. I've been through highs where I am happy. I've had times of contentedness, and I've had times where I've cried so hard I could barely breathe.

Being strong takes courage and determination. It means learning to stand your ground and set boundaries. It means not letting someone step all over your soul, manipulate and lie to you just so that you can keep the peace. Being strong doesn't mean you have to do it all on your own. It means leaning on God, family and friends. 

Another thing I've learned about my own strength is that sometimes in order to become stronger, I have to fall apart a little. Sometimes I just need a good cry, and a chance to pour out my heart to God. I've also had to learn to surrender situations that I couldn't control. Sometimes, I start to spiral and have to give it back to God because I like to try to take back the controls.

I am beyond thankful for a couple friends and family members that I've been able to confide in. Those few who have seen me bare my soul, talked me down as I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating, who have prayed for me, embraced me in a hug, or given me meaningful advice. Those who have shown me love, when I don't feel lovable or done something funny just because they know it'll make me laugh. 

I've remained strong not just because of myself, but because of God and those friends and family members who have held me up when I needed a boost.

I AM a strong woman. I am proud of who I am, and I am proud that I'm starting to become more of who I want to be.

Life will always be filled with good times and bad times. I will choose to stay strong through it all. But, if you ever see me starting to drown, reach out and let me lean on you for awhile. We all need someone who will remind us of who we are, what we are capable of and to remind us of our inner strength.

Ultimately, whether I had picked that word or not, life still would've been insane this year, but I'm still glad I chose it.

I've had about enough of the craziness though. I think in 2021, I'll pick something like "wealth"! 

9 Quirks That Make Me A Socially Awkward Introvert.

There are many words we use to describe our own self. I frequently find myself telling people that I am an introvert. Although, I've decided that I'm actually a socially awkward, anxiety ridden introvert. You know what though? That's okay! It's just who I am. While there are aspects that I would like to change, or fix I have to remember that it's on my own terms, and generally I embrace my weirdness.

Every introvert has their own quirks (I mean every human does), but the one thing we all crave is solitude to recharge our batteries. Here are things that make me a socially awkward, anxiety ridden introvert:

1. I am a homebody that likes to go places, but will spend at least half of my time wishing that I was back at home.

I'll want to go shopping, but once I start (unless I'm wandering aimlessly at Hobby Lobby), I get this intense desire to just go back home. Or, I'll just not want to shop, so I'll sit and people watch instead. One year we went to The Mall of America and I spent most of my time sitting on benches. Shopping is exhausting. Oh, and don't get me started on the stores where they greet you when you walk in and tell you all about their sales, and ask if I need anything? I'll smile and say, "Thanks, I'm just looking!", while inside I'm going, "Please just stop talking to me!"

2.  I hate crowds.

I'll put myself into them sometimes though because I really want to do something. Hence, why I've gone to see Garth Brooks 3 times. Every single time I've had a blast seeing him, but SO much anxiety being around that many people. There's too much going on and it physically drains me.

3. I make plans and then cancel them because I get stressed out and overwhelmed.

Most of the time I'll be looking forward to doing something with a friend, but as the time gets closer I'll start thinking, "I just want to be alone." "I don't have the energy to socialize." There are many times I've forced myself to go to things, and I've had a great time. There are also many times I've forced myself to go to things and I've spent the whole time fake smiling and wishing I had never gone. I don't know why I get so worked up, but it's just the way I'm built I guess. I mean, I can think back to elementary school and I was the same even back then...only the worst part was my mom forced me to go to things. I had headaches constantly from stress of having to do things I didn't want to do.

4. I like to go on drives...alone.

Road trips with other people stress me out. I'd rather just drive myself. If I am road tripping with someone else though, I make them drive. I hate driving other people. A lot of times if I need to clear my mind and I don't have the boys, I go on a drive through the country. I can sing at the top of my lungs, or just be alone with my thoughts. It's so relaxing.

5. I'm a daydreamer.

I have been my whole entire life. I have a whole world inside my head. I imagine things I want in life. I play out situations and imagine every possible scenario. This is a blessing and a curse. I can be very fun and relaxing, but I can also lead to extreme anxiety and playing what if games.

6. My kids invade my introvert bubble and it stresses me out.

No one ever told my that my kids might be extroverted! Holy stress, Batman! Sometimes I literally have to tell them they have to leave me alone for awhile or that I need them to be quiet. Constant chatter drives me crazy! To this day, they have "Rest time" for 1.5-2 hours in the afternoons. Why? Because I need to recharge. They just have to go upstairs and find something quiet to do and let me have quiet time.

7. Sometimes I'm feeling a little extroverted and will be thrilled to see people I know out in public.
Sometimes I will literally dart down random aisles to escape even having to say hi to a friend.

Trust me...I know that's crazy, but that's me. My mom, sisters and I even have a code word we use if we're together and need to escape quickly! Let me just apologize now if you've ever walked up to me in public and I acted anti-social. Sometimes I get caught off guard and turn into a total disaster.

8. People who talk my ear off, even when I feel like I'm showing signs of discomfort really stress me out.

I don't even know what else to say with that one. The thing is, if I don't know you well and the conversation isn't just flowing, then I'm probably dying inside and plotting my escape.

9. I either connect with you or I don't.

I don't know if this is necessarily an introvert thing or just a me thing. I swear I can sense "vibes" from people. I will either almost instantly feel a connection to someone, or will just feel "off".  It's like I know if we'll click and I can open up to you or not. I am almost always right, but I have for sure also been wrong about people before too.

Chances are, if you're reading this, I really like you, so don't worry! Just give me space. Invite me to things, but don't be offended if I back out. Also...if you're one of my preschool parents, just know I LOVE teaching your kids. Kids are my jam. (As long as I get quiet time after they go home, so I can recharge for the next day!)