I'm Lovin' It

Time to resurrect the blog, because I got nostalgic.

Today I was driving James to meet my mom halfway, so he can stay another week with them in Iowa. Our halfway point is Knoxville, IL. It's just before Galesburg. For 17 years it's been a stopping point in our travels. We used to ALWAYS stop at the McDonalds, although as the boys have gotten older, we make more stops at the Love's gas station across the street.

But, that McDonalds brought back a lot of memories and I was thinking just how random it is. To the people who live in Knoxville, they just know that as their local McDonalds. To others it's a random stop after being on the road. To me, it holds memories.

It's where we'd stop sometimes to grab something to eat and take a bathroom break when I was newly married. It was about the point where I'd stop feeling sad about driving home from Iowa...or where I'd be excited because we only had a little over two hours to get to Mom and Dad's.

It's where I sat and nursed my babies, while I had a bite to eat.

It's where we were eating lunch when I suddenly remembered I left my car keys and house keys at my parent's house. (I was still married and Jacob was using his keys) 

It's where Daniel threw a royal three year old tantrum because I said it was time to go, so he climbed up on a table and started yelling and screaming. He and I were traveling alone. I hulked him out to the car and I refused to pull out of that parking lot until he apologized. I think we sat there a good 20 minutes before he did.

It's where the boys and I have sat and played "I Spy" while waiting for our food.

It's where Daniel accidentally spilled my entire caramel frappe in the most dramatic way possible. It hit the floor, the lid flew off, liquid went in every direction. It was on the floor, and chairs. It splattered all over the window. I went to get stuff to clean it up and the staff wouldn't let me. They insisted on cleaning it up, and while they were, another employee was making me a new drink on the house. I was apologizing profusely and thanking them all at the same time. I even mailed a Thank You card to the store in hopes their manager would reward them.

I was thinking about how many times through the years we've walked in there and imagined this "montage" of clips. Pregnant me, mommy to littles me, and now 40's me. 

Silly how a place as common as a McDonalds can trigger memories. 

But, I still think of all those years in Iowa where we'd meet our grandparents halfway. The Super 8 parking lot in Grinell. There was a gazebo and we'd have a picnic there every once in a while. Or if we were really lucky we'd get to go into town and get DQ.

I hope James has another great week. I love that he's gotten to travel so much this summer. Daniel is my homebody. James is ready to spread his wings and fly. And both are okay. 

Here's to more years of making random McDonald's memories.

I Am Not Okay. I Am. But, I'm Not

 

This picture popped up in my feed this morning and I saved it. Then I went to church and Pastor Chad was talking about how we all lie. When people ask us how we're doing, many of us give the easy answer. "Not bad." My go to answers are always, "I'm fine!" or  "Not too bad!" I could have just had an entire meltdown, but as soon as anyone asks it just flies out of my mouth and then I crack a joke. I often wonder how many other people have lied to me when I've asked how they're doing?

For me, it's just easier. I don't want to dump my problems on someone else. Or the things that are bothering me are MY issues. Not something I want to share with others. I hold a lot in. I've always been that way. 

I shared a post on Facebook this last week and it asked people to share something they like about me. It was just one of those generic posts for people to share and get comments. Several people commented that they like my sense of humor, my honesty and realness. Sometimes I think I overshare. In fact, I have a friend who leans far more toward privacy and they tell me I share too much and that no one really reads all of that or cares. My response is always that writing is my therapy. Yes, I could use a journal, but for me, reading other's personal experiences has always helped me, and maybe something I say will help someone else. In fact, I've had people tell me that I've helped them, or inspired them in one way or another. I always say that no one HAS to read what I share. Scroll right on by. It's not going to bother me. 

All of that said...if you ask me in real life how I'm doing, you're probably going to get my standard, "Not too bad!" response. If you ask the me who is typing this post though? I'm not okay. I am. But I'm not. I'm on a journey. The path has been rocky and I've taken some big tumbles lately. I've shared a little on Facebook about being down, but not specifics. I knew it was rough when I had people reach out to see if I was okay. One friend called me on Christmas Eve. I told her, "I'll be okay. I've just been down and out." She was quick to tell me, "You're down, but you are not out!" 

The truth is, I have struggled a lot in my relationship with God, and I think He is trying to work on my heart, but things had to fall apart for me to seek him out again. I hate things falling apart. God knows I hate it. I tell him frequently. But guess who has also been reading her Bible app and praying every day? Has it fixed everything? No. I'm still falling apart, but I know that God holds all of my tears and even when I can't always feel Him, he's been there holding me and working on things that I can't see.

I SUCK at patience. I want to see exactly what the future holds. I get frustrated when I can't. I do things my way. I've known God my whole entire life. You'd think eventually I'd learn to just trust blindly, but I'm praying after this brutal knockdown, there's a huge blessing on the other side waiting for me.

Now...if you're a curious person like I am and you've made it this far, I might as well share a little of what took me down. You deserve some tea for putting up with my ramblings.

A man.

That's what took me down. I'm not going to into all the details, but yep. I finally felt ready for a relationship. I met someone on FB Dating, kind of sort of by accident. You may be wondering how you accidentally meet someone when you're intentionally "looking"? You can set your distances of how far you'd like to search. Well, one way or another I matched with someone who lived 2.5 hours away. Either way it was an accidental "like" on my part. He said hello and I replied never thinking it would lead to anything. Yet, there I was chatting back and forth. It eventually led to FB messages, and then texting, sending voice texts and eventually talking on the phone. For hours. Every night. He came to see me. He sent donuts to work for my coworkers and I just because. I felt at peace. My nerves were calm around him. I shared and opened up. I let my guard down. There was a bump in the road. It stung. But I recovered. We tried again, only to hit that same bump again. It broke something deep inside of me.

I had to let him go. I had to go no contact. It's been almost 2 weeks and it's still killing me. It's crazy to me how a person can enter your life for such a short time, and have such a profound impact that you find yourself grieving something that could have been. I went from happiness, contentedness and hopeful, to sad, broken and depressed just like that. Granted there's more behind the scene things that have played into everything, but it's really put me in a place where I've had to rely on God to hold me up and keep me going. 

I felt like such a crappy mom in December. The first week I was on a high. Then a roller coaster. I tried. I hid the tears, and made the most of what I could. I don't think the boys really noticed, but maybe they did. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried in the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I'll be totally fine, and out of nowhere they spill over again. I go for a drive or turn on worship music to calm down. I've cried in my bed, in the shower, my car, the bathroom at work and now we can add church today. I pray for peace and healing for myself. I picked the word "Surrender" as my word of the year. I'm trying. I have surrendered, but I also know that doesn't immediately turn off the sadness. I have to continuously ask God to handle it. 

I'm in a season of challenges and growth. I know what I want. I know what I deserve. I know that God can heal me, and will provide. Like I said earlier, I think I have to endure this valley because maybe God is preparing something bigger for me. All I can do is pray and put my trust in him.

There's my overshare of the new year. I don't care though. Maybe someone else has been holding their sadness in. Maybe it's just something I needed to do to work through this. Maybe this will give someone else the courage to reach out to God  or others for help. I'm so thankful He never leaves my side even when I push him away.