Living in Hope, Not in Fear

Well, we did it. We survived a year living in a fear stricken world. I'll just preface this by saying that these are my own thoughts and opinions. I know we all have different views, and it's been abundantly clear that we are a nation divided. 

I will say, at the beginning of all of this, I had reservations and fears. So much was unknown. I was very concerned about my parents flying to Tennessee at this time last year. I watched as fear took hold of people far and wide. I can't explain why, but besides the initial uncertainty, my anxiety never went crazy. I accepted that I could get Covid (and still could), but I know that God is in control. I can't worry about  if I may or may not get sick. I didn't let it hold me back from seeing my family and friends. But, I have been respectful of the family and friends who weren't or still aren't ready to be around others. We all have our own level of comfort.

For myself, I am so thankful for those who I have been able to see consistently. I'm a hugger. I'm an introvert who still needs human touch. I've had a tribe of people that I know I can go to for a hug when I need one. You all have kept me strong. 

I am also beyond thankful for my church family. Calvary closed down in March and switched to online, like everyone else. By later in June, the doors reopened. From the very start (although with limited seating) they held 3 services instead of 2. One of those services required masks. The others were made optional. To be able to walk into a building with other people and not have a mask on my face was exactly what my heart needed. Daniel was to be baptized on Easter, but it was delayed until August. Eventually we went back to 2 services and online. We have a small mask section, but the rest of sanctuary and church is optional. "Air hugs" are encouraged, but honestly a lot of us hug because nothing beats human touch. 

In November we had a 2 or 3 week shutdown due to  some church staff getting Covid. The thing I respected the most was that despite HAVING Covid, our pastor still preached messages. 

Now here we are in March and it's time to move on. Another thing I love about my church is that Covid isn't mentioned a lot. It may come up in a sermon very briefly, but there is no fear mongering. There is no dwelling on it. It's not all doom and gloom. No one is telling you to put on a mask. It's refreshing. There is hope every week! First service is always completely full.  I'm sad I can't go tomorrow, but I can watch online still.

I fell down a rabbit hole this week and ended up messaging local churches and researching. More churches have gone to masks optional than not. Those who are requiring them seem to have lower attendance and are far more traditional, whereas the churches more open are the ones with people flooding in the doors and that are more contemporary. 

I said last night that I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Those who want to be vaccinated can and will be. Those who don't, like myself should be just as free to do what we want. It's time to open America again. It's time to start living life again. I'm ready to go into stores without a mask. I'm ready to stalk Garth Brooks across the USA again. I'm ready for the "new normal" to change into a newer and better normal. 

Again, I know that we all have our own thoughts and some will disagree with my last statement. I can tell you now that even within my own family there's a divide on opinions. 3 want to be or are vaccinated and 2 of us are not. But we all still love each other.

Here's to a brighter 2021. We made it a year. Now let's press on and live life to the fullest.

Reflections

It's been a few months since I've written. Tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of life changing as we knew it. Up until that point it was all fun and games. We all went to work/school on March 13th, and by that afternoon we were told that schools would be closed for the next 2 weeks. Those first couple of weeks were fine because we knew this was just to "slow the curve". We laughed at phrases such as "social distancing" and "mask up". We wondered how in the world people were going to be distanced? We scoffed at stores making aisles one way...and to be honest I still scoff at that one. Let's not forget that people turned into toilet paper hoarders and left the rest of us hoping we wouldn't have to resort to Kleenex. 

After the first week, the governor decided to shut the state down for the next 2 or 3 weeks, thus beginning the "stay at home order". How strange to hear that only one person in your family should go into a store. Masks were encouraged (and there was no way in heck I was donning one of those), restaurants closed down, small businesses had to close, and playgrounds were closed off with caution tape and snow fencing. 

I never expected this to be something that continued for months on end. My birthday was in "quarantine", and I missed my trip to California. My preschoolers didn't get a proper ending to their school year (although I was thankfully able to give them a graduation). Daniel didn't get to finish 2nd grade or say goodbye to his school and friends. Schools didn't reopen in August like we all thought would happen (because Covid would be gone by then). Mask wearing became the norm. To this day I still don't like it, but I will respect the signs on doors and wear them when required. 

While I can say this this past year has sucked in so many ways, I suppose some good came out of it. It showed me that I really do have strength. I was stuck. Feeling trapped. I was scared and uncertain. Not because of a fear of a virus, but because it forced us into being home. It helped me gather the courage to say, "I can't do this anymore. Something has to change." I took control of my life, and started over. It was scary, but thrilling. I don't know if I would have had the courage had I not been forced into a situation I had no control over.

I was dreading March 13th. Even last week, it felt like this impending doom. As I've sat and reflected this week though, I'm looking at tomorrow with hope. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that things are going to change for the better. Slowly, but surely we are getting there.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my thoughts on moving forward and not living in fear!

Still Looking For Answers

I had my orthopedic appointment on Tuesday, and left not quite sure how I was feeling. A spinal fusion is about all that can be done from his standpoint He prescribed me some anti-inflammatory medicine and gave me a steroid injection in my hip. 

I'm not sold on the fusion at all. I've always been scared of doing it, and that hasn't changed. There are a lot of pros and cons to weigh out before making such a huge decision. 

The hip injection did nothing besides leave a bruise. And the medicine didn't touch any of the pain. The week went so slowly. On Friday I saw my regular doctor in hopes of getting a referral to a new rheumatologist. I went armed with a list of symptoms and things I would like to be tested for. She very much agreed I need to see one again and upped my dose of meds to see if it would help any. Now it's another waiting game as to when I'll get in with the RA. 

Ruling out an auto immune disorder or any other issue will help me in my decision with the spinal fusion as well. If I have something else going on that will cause lifelong pain, then is there a point? 

I came home feeling defeated Every muscle and joint in my body hurt. I burst into tears, and all through the evening I would calm down and then start crying again. On high pains days it's hard to imagine living the rest of your life in pain. This wasn't just a high pain DAY either. It was 3 weeks straight with no relief. 

Saturday rolled around, and I laid in bed all morning. Everything ached. I have a hard time being comfortable for long periods of standing or sitting, but even laying down lately has been uncomfortable. I "wasted" the whole day doing nothing. I realize that isn't actually wasteful. It's my bodies way of trying to heal itself. No kids meant I could rest. 

Yesterday I woke up and didn't immediately feel discomfort. I took it slow all morning and then was able to do some housework, wrap presents and go to WalMart, all without wanting to curl up and die as soon as I got done.

This morning was much of the same, and I even did a mini purge. How do I accumulate so much "stuff" in such a short amount of time? 

I went for a drive, which I haven't been able to do because sitting has been hurting. I even went and looked at the Christmas star. 

Now that I'm home again, my muscles are starting to ache more. I'm hoping sleep will help. Driving to Iowa is going to suck next week if it still hurts to sit. 

Please pray that I can find relief somehow, some way. 

Life is a Pain...Literally

I write about it often, because I live with it every day. I try to limit my complaining because I'm sure it comes off as needy and annoying. I also don't mean to make it sound like I'm complaining. It's more that I'm trying to bring an awareness to unseen pain. More people suffer from it than you'd think. 

One thing I have learned about chronic pain over the years it that there are good days, there are okay days and there are days where you hurt so badly that you wonder how you're going to make it through the rest of your life when you're only 36? The good days are still painful, but tolerable enough that my brain just automatically logs it as a good day. 

I had my steroid injections at the end of October. I was cautiously optimistic. My body generally doesn't respond to stuff like that, but I really hoped it would this time. After the injections they told me it could be up to 2-7 days before I would feel it working. When I woke up the following morning I already felt a difference. Over the next 5 days I hopped out of bed like Grandpa Joe after Charlie found the golden ticket. There was still some pain, but I could bend without sound effects. I could stand longer.  As quickly as the relief came, it faded away. It started with my hip starting to hurt more and within days, all the pain had returned. I still pushed through, but I called and tried to get into my orthopedic doctor. His next appointment was a month out. (Now I'm down to less than 48 hours!). 

Unfortunately, as the pain started to return, it has come back worse than before. My hip pain has increased. I constantly ache. My joints hurt. My muscles ache like I have the flu. I'm always tired. This weekend has been the worst so far. I still press on as much as I can, but I did let myself just lay and rest all afternoon. I even took a nap. 

The funny thing I've noticed about myself is how much I can fake it til I make it when I'm around other people. I've got the, "Hey! How are you!?" "I'm good!" down pat. Why do I do that!? I did it so many times at church today. I wasn't good. I was ready to crawl into a hole and die, but I stood there smiling and saying I was good. It just comes out automatically. I was in so much pain sitting through the service. The sermon was about being joyful...and I got in the van and yelled at my kids to just be quiet. Our advent activity was getting food to donate to the food pantry, so we went right after church because I knew as soon as I got home I was going to crash and not want to leave the house.

The boys have had to fend for themselves for the most part today. I'm pretty sure James will probably barf up Goldfish at some point.

People offer suggestions, but honestly I've pretty much tried it all. I've tried different natural anti-inflammatory concoctions, regular OTC meds, stretching (which I still do), physical therapy, injections, chiropractor heat, ice and probably more things I've forgotten about. I'm pretty sure my body laughs every time I swallow anything OTC. I could take an entire bottle of Advil and it probably wouldn't touch the pain or faze me in the least. 

I'm just praying that my orthopedic doctor can help me out at my appointment. I have some suggestions and questions for him. I really like him and feel like he listens and will actually try to help me as much as possible. I hate to think that I'll eventually need to have surgery and have a spinal fusion, but it may end up coming down to it. For now I just have to pray and trust that God will show me and the doctor what the next step is. 

A Picture Doesn't Always Tell the Whole Story

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I love taking pictures. I love documenting all the random moments in my life. A lot of times I post pictures through the day because I have a terrible memory, and I can look back and see when certain events happened.

I try to keep it real on Facebook. I share the good and the bad...but not always. Social media has a way of making people think they need to live up to a certain standard, or that life should look a certain way. Every morning I check my memories on Facebook. They pop up old posts from previous years. In general I love looking a pictures, watching videos and reading funny things that happened. Sometimes though, a photo will pop up and I just cringe because I'll flashback to what was really going on. 

I've gone through and deleted some because I needed to do it in order to move forward. Others I keep as a reminder that life isn't always as it seems on someone's Facebook/Instagram etc.

I'll give you some examples of my own.

This is the smile of a mom who was one hundred percent OVER life. Yes. Life. She had cried a thousand tears in the days/weeks leading up to this picture. Every ounce of her was trying to stay happy and positive, while trying to figure out how the heck they would pay plumbing bills and exterminator bills. She was starting to spiral, but had to smile for the the picture.

Here's a woman who traveled all day. Tried not to engage in stress that was being put on her. She wanted to do something fun, while her spouse wanted to go to sleep at the hotel at 4 in the afternoon while she entertained kids. Then when she was finally able to go somewhere felt like she couldn't have fun...but no worries! She'll smile for that picture. 

Here's a girl out shopping with her mom and being silly at Hobby Lobby. What you don't see/hear is that her anxiety is off the charts, and just the sound of peoples voices was about to send her off the deep end. She was irritated and sassy, and just over it all.

This smile. SO SO fake. I can see the exhaustion on her face. This is the face of a mom that had traveled out of state to a wedding. Who was up all night long at the hotel because people were being loud, her baby kept waking up and wanting nursed. Her spouse was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. She had an infected wisdom tooth that no amount of ice and Advil would touch. Then she had to call a tow truck on the day of the wedding because of a flat tire. She had to transfer 2 car seats into another vehicle by herself while it was 90 degrees outside. She had to dress her 3 year old in a tux in a bathroom that had NO air conditioning. She sat through a wedding. She changed said 3 year old out of his tux at the reception in a bathroom...by herself. She nursed the baby alone. She finally sat down at the table only to find out that all the appetizers were gone and no one saved her anything even though she hadn't had a bite to eat since early that morning. But she smiled her way through the rest of the evening even though every part of her was trying not to burst into tears.

Lastly, a mom who just wanted nice family photos. Everyone was crabby. She was the only one excited. The wind was out of control. Her children were out of control. No amount of bribing was helping. There was frustration. And by the time they were driving home, that smiling mama from the picture was in tears and feeling like a failure at life.

There are times I post smiling pictures of the boys, or the 3 of us where we're smiling big smiles and they are very genuine. There are other times that I will ask for a picture and they won't cooperate, so I'll start yelling at them and threaten to take stuff away if they won't "smile for this dang picture already!!" So, there you have it. Now you can play the guessing game on Facebook. Is it real, or did she yell? Ha!

I've tried to play certain areas of my life off as happy, but I look back and can see the fake put on smile to make everything seem fine to the outside world. I think the most important thing to remember is that not everything you see posted is authentic. I don't think we constantly need to air all of our dirty laundry, but just remember that there is always more to every story.