It's Happening!

It’s finally happening! I am getting my spinal fusion. (Although, I’m sure there will be hoops to jump through with insurance.) 

Let’s back up to early November. I had to go in to see my orthopedic doctor for a follow up on a medication he prescribed. I was annoyed beyond belief that I had to follow up in the first place, and then I ended up sitting in the waiting room for 2 hours with the boys before even being called back to be seen. I brought up the fact that my nerve meds don’t seem to be helping anymore. I walk 5 days a week to build up my bone strength and stay in shape, but I told him that more and more frequently my foot will fall asleep while I’m walking. I always press through because that’s just what I do. What can I say? I am stubborn. Always have been,

My doctor didn’t like the sound of that and said, “I think it’s time to get an updated MRI and put surgery back on the table.” My head was swimming that entire day. Last spring I was mentally ready. Then when the surgery was canceled I was devastated. While I understand now why God prevented it from happening, I didn’t then. Eventually I pushed it to the back of my mind and assumed it wouldn’t happen for another year or two. I felt blindsided when he said the word surgery. I felt unprepared and unsure. Last spring insurance denied me an MRI twice before my surgery was canceled, so I assumed this would be an issue again, therefore pushing surgery even further into the future. Lo and behold, they called me a week later to tell me that it was approved. Do insurance companies just flip a coin to decide what they approve and deny?

I went a couple of weeks ago for my MRI and it was a horrible experience. I don’t know why. I’ve had them before. The only thing different with this one was that they put a face shield over me. It wasn’t that that was bothering me though. My back was on FIRE. To the point I couldn’t stay still and they had to redo some images. I wasn’t about to ask them to let me out of there though because I wanted to get it over with. (See? Stubborn.)

I was able to see my results the following day, but had to use Google and my Grey’s Anatomy knowledge to try and decipher things. I could tell it wasn’t great. Essentially I have several bulging discs, some bad nerve compression and arthritis. Interestingly enough, I was surprised today when the doctor told me I have pretty moderate nerve compression where my curve is but it bothers me far less than the lumbar area. That’s where a ton of my pain comes from. 

Today I had to wait about 50 minutes in the waiting room and another 20 in the exam room. The one redeeming factor is that my doctor doesn’t rush me and he answers all of my questions, which means he does that with all of his patients. 

We talked about the risks vs. benefits again. A surgery of this magnitude is a last resort. He won’t perform it on someone until other avenues have been explored and their quality of life is deteriorating. Sometimes I live in denial, but over the last few years especially I have had a harder time doing some things. I’ve had a couple of breakdowns in the privacy of my own home on high pain days. Mostly because it’s scary to imagine living the rest of my life at that level of pain. My doctor doesn’t want me to get to the point where I’m disabled or unable to walk anymore.

In a 10 year time frame my curve went from around 42 degrees to 68 degrees. 

I am excited, scared and every emotion in between. The date isn’t set yet, but it’s looking like February. It’s going to take me out of work for a decent chunk of time and I hate that because I love my kiddos, and I have to figure out how to survive off of no pay. My mom has told me not to worry about any of that. If God works out the surgery for me, he’s got a plan on “survival” too. 

This is a huge and life changing surgery. As my doctor puts it…”I can’t reverse this, so I want to make sure every patient understands that.” Surgery can last up to 10+ hours. Rods, screws and fillers will be placed so that my vertebrae fuse into one bone. I will lose mobility in the area I am fused at. I’m scared about that, but thankfully I should still be able to bend at the waist. I will just need to learn new ways to do things.

Today he had me stand up and he twisted my body a bit to show me how things will work. I looked at him and said, “Oh my gosh. That’s going to feel SO good!” Obviously in time. I have followed a support group for a couple of years. I’ve read the good, the bad and the ugly. I already know that the first couple of weeks are going to feel like literal hell. By 6 weeks or so I’ll be allowed to start PT. I told him I want to be as mobile as possible as soon as possible. He gave me a look and I said, “Well, obviously I have to let my body heal too.” For the bones to fully fuse takes 1-2 years. I’ve heard that usually within about 6 months most people are feeling a lot better though. I hope mine is sooner.

I’ve had friends tell me of teens they know who have been back to normal in just 6 weeks or so. I’m here to tell you, that’s AMAZING. But age plays a HUGE part in recovery. The recovery of a 16 year old and an almost 40 year old are vastly different as my bones have become more rigid, arthritic and “old” for lack of a better word. 

I know things can go wrong. I could go in and somehow end up with worse permanent pain. But, I’m going to go into this optimistically. If I can walk away in 50 percent less pain when all is said and done, it will have been worth it. If I do nothing, my condition will continue to progress and I could end up in a wheelchair one day anyway.

In the end this is in God’s hands. I have no control other than to decide to go through with it. I fought against having surgery for 20+ years. It’s time. I just hope that insurance approves everything. Once we get through that hurdle it’s full steam ahead.

My mom will come and help for a while because I will need someone with me full time. But she can’t stay forever and I am going to have to do something I don’t like doing. Rely on friends here to help me and let people help me when it’s offered. So here I am telling the world that I am going to need help and if I tell you I’m “fine” you probably shouldn’t believe me. 

My word this year was “warrior” because I had planned on having surgery in May. It turns out I’ve been a warrior in many ways, and I just may keep that word another year. Here’s to having a “new” spine for my 40th year of life!

5 Things I'd Tell Younger Me

If I could tell my younger self these things, I would.

1 Being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be. 

Grown ups tell you that, and you don't believe them, but they're right. Sure, you can cook half a bag of tator tots for dinner, and eat ice cream right from the carton and no one can tell you no. (Spoiler alert, your metabolism is gonna suck after you have kids) But then there are responsibilities too. Going to work to make money to pay the bills. Having unexpected issues like having sewage back up into your basement not once, but THREE times. Having to make appointments, keep up on laundry, be awake half the night with a pukey kid. It's not always bad, but embrace childhood and don't take it for granted. Even those awkward middle school years...nah who am I kidding? Those few years sucked.

2. It's okay to question your beliefs.

You have never waivered in believing in God...but you will have many moments in life that you will find yourself questioning certain things that you were taught. Then you will inevitably feel guilty for thinking those things. A lot of people who were born in the "Millennial" era are doing a thing called "deconstruction", although some walk away from everything related to religion. Ironically, deconstruction will actually be the thing that gets you to go back to church because you realize it's okay to not agree with every single thing a pastor or leader says. They are human too, and as long as they're teaching the fundamentals of what you believe Christianity is then it's okay.

3. Alone time is everything.

Remember your meltdown on the first mission trip you ever went on? It happened mid-week. You had been around people 24/7 for at least 3 to 4 whole days, and you absolutely fell apart one night. You couldn't be around people for one more second. Thankfully a leader in the group acknowledged what was happening and found you a quiet space. You were even allowed to skip worship that night. It's the first time you realized you were an introvert. Being around people is all well and good, but you have a social battery and once it's dead, it's all over. Always make time for yourself. It's refreshing. And it's okay to say no when someone begs you to do something and you don't want to. Do not forget that!

4. Being a mom is amazing and torture.

Let me explain. First of all you better brace yourself because you didn't have girls like you had always imagined yourself having. It's okay though, because both times you found out that you were having a boy, you were so happy! Motherhood is what you dreamed of since childhood. Being pregnant was amazing...minus the acid reflux and James giving you a scare a few times. Like I said though, being a mom is amazing torture. You are blessed with healthy babies. It's love at first sight. Those sweet little angels then proceed to not sleep through the night for a year and a half each. But then they learn to say "mama" and then give drooly kisses. They learn to crawl and walk. They learn the art of throwing themselves on the ground and screaming bloody murder in the middle of Target. They learn to read and write. They tell you that they love you. They throw up all over in the middle of the night. They win awards in school. They sass back. They learn about Jesus and then ask him into their hearts. It's a roller coaster ride, but those boys are so loved by you, mama. 

5.You may never known what you want to be when you grow up...and that's okay!

You grew up thinking that you would go to college and land on one career and stick with it your whole life. Being a teacher or a nurse. Senior year of high school you took a college level CNA class, and it was then that you realized the nursing world was not for you. You were already working in daycare and you wanted your own independence, so you skipped the whole college thing and jumped headfirst into full time child care which you stuck with for 11 years. Then you got landed your dream job. Stay at home mom! Then on to become a preschool teacher and a paraprofessional.  Eventually, you'll have to find another path that's more full time, but you don't have to panic, because all it does is cause you anxiety. God always comes through with a plan. 

 

Warrior Status Activated

It's hard to believe that we're already halfway through the year. I think we say that every year, but it's going fast. 

While there have been hard times, there have been really positive things that have happened as well, but to get to the positive, I have to share the negatives too. 

After my New Year's Eve "mental breakdown", I took a deep breath and pressed on. I started 2023 by picking a word of the year. I chose "warrior", because I knew with my upcoming surgery it would be fitting. 

The tears that I had cried on New Year's Eve were tears of stress, emotional exhaustion and frustration. I had been struggling at work all year. It had nothing to do with the kids or their families. It had everything to do with the leadership within the church and the way that I was being treated both by the pastor and the committee that should have been there to support me. In November I had a review where I was basically told I was doing a crap job for 2 hours. Never in my life had I ever been given anything but outstanding reviews. I went straight from there to the Taylorville District Office to pick up an application to be a para. I messaged the principal at North to see if there were any openings. She said no, but to put my app in.

I carried on for another month, which brought us to the week Christmas break would be starting. I had approached the personnel board with concerns in a letter, which I asked to remain confidential which they did not...and I was pulled in for another 2 hour meeting that was demeaning and condescending. Needless to say, I was struggling. I could write a whole book on how myself and another staff member were treated, but I choose to rise above that.

The new year arrived and I decided things were going to turn around. Somehow. Some way. My first decision was going back and trying Calvary again. Daniel had asked about it the week before and after messaging with a friend, I felt like I needed to go. I was welcomed back with open arms. It was refreshing to feel at home again.

I also decided that same day that I was starting over for the millionth time with a weight loss journey. If you know me, you know I am a yoyo dieter. I am also a binge eater. It's an addiction. I usually make it a few months at most and then fall off the wagon. I'm happy to say that I am 6 months in and about 19 pounds down from where I started. My metabolism is not what it was in my 20's, that's for sure. Slow and steady win the race...although I've been heavy on the snacking this past week which had been a big struggle. I'm trying to walk 10k steps a day now though. I'm at my lowest weight since before I had James and feeling a little more confident in my own skin. Plus walking builds bone density!

That same week, I came in to work at the church. I remember telling a coworker how badly my body ached even though I hadn't done anything. I'm almost certain it was the stress of being there. I sat down at my computer in the office and my messenger notification popped up. It was the principal telling me a para spot was opening up and she wanted me! 

I had a few hurdles to jump to get there including a 2 hour test which I stressed over for days. I passed though! God literally let every single thing fall into place, and by February 1 I was able to start my new job which I loved from the start.

Life was good until April 6th. I went to my orthopedic surgeon to go over my bone density results. I had to wait an hour past my appointment time, so I was already in a mood. Then he came in to let me know my bone density isn't where it needs to be in my spine. If we proceeded with the surgery as planned, I would run the risk of the hardware failing. He left the ultimate choice up to me , but he also was very clear that he didn't recommend it. I didn't even make it out of the room before I started to cry. I sat in my car sobbing. I could not understand why God would stop this from happening, when it felt like he had lined things up for me perfectly. 

This is where I sometimes want to shake myself. I get SO worked up. I get emotional and consumed by anxiety. It's not that I like it. It's not that I want it to happen, but I need to learn to trust God more in these moments. I know exactly why he stopped the surgery from happening as planned. If I would have had it, I would never have been able to go and be with my grandma in her final days. I never would have even been able to make it to her funeral. He stopped my surgery because He knew my grandma was going to need me and that I needed to be there for her.

So, that's where I am. I was kind of mad at first because I had specifically picked "warrior" as my word because I was going to be one as I recovered. But looking over the major events of the year so far, I sure as heck have been a warrior, and I'm proud of it.

An Earthly Goodbye

Today I spoke at Grandma's service. Here is what I shared:

I’m Rachel, and I am one of Bonnie’s granddaughters. A couple of months ago when her health really started to fail, I didn’t know how much time we had left with her. I called and talked to her, and when I hung up I started to cry. There were so many things that I wanted to tell her before she passed, but I couldn’t do it over the phone because I knew I would cry too hard, and Grandma would tell me it was just silly to be crying over her! So, I did what I do best when I’m feeling anxious. I sat down and wrote it all out in a letter to her.

I have revamped the original letter just a bit, but I would like to share it with you today.

Dear Grandma,

There are so many things that I want to tell you, so I hope this letter makes it to you.

I just want to say thank you for being such an incredible grandma. I have been so blessed to have you as a part of my life for 39 years!

You are the strongest, most positive and most patient person I have ever known. I have always aspired to be more like you. You have lived such a full life, and have never wavered in your faith. You have been dedicated to a life of serving God, and praying for your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren daily.

Even when I was little, I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to be a teacher. I’ve been a preschool teacher and now a paraprofessional at an elementary school. I remember thinking it was the best thing ever when you let us go over to the school and spend time in your classroom. You probably secretly wished you didn’t have to be at work on the weekend, but you never showed it! I remember once I was there as the teachers were cleaning out their rooms at the end of the year. You let me take some things home.I had inspirational posters and teaching books. I spent hours teaching my imaginary classroom.

Coming to Chariton was always so exciting. I can remember the build up all week knowing we were coming for the weekend. Saturdays were my favorite because I knew we would have a full day to spend with you. I’d always try to be the first kid up so I would get special one on one time with you. I’d tiptoe down the hallway and then down the stairs, and there you would be sitting at the table with your coffee and reading the newspaper. You would make me whatever I wanted for breakfast…usually French toast. Then the day would be filled with games, chatting, cooking and usually a lot of family filling up the house.

Your house has always been a source of comfort. I absolutely loved coming to visit you and Grandpa in the summers. Getting to spend one or two weeks at a time and getting to be the only child made for some great memories.

I remember making lists of everything I wanted to do, and you worked to make sure they all happened. I loved going to the Chariton and Corydon museums. We took multiple trips to DQ. I remember one year you let me get an Oreo Blizzard every single day. We’d go shopping, and of course have to stop at Piper’s to get a box of mints and some penny candy. I think one of my very favorite memories is the year that I convinced you and Grandpa to take me to Red Haw for a breakfast cookout…and I roasted hot dogs!

There were countless hours at Great Grandma’s house. Heaps of homemade chicken and noodles to make my little heart happy. We’d play “Hide the Cube”, and  games of Monopoly that would go on all week. You always let me buy Boardwalk and Park Place. Sitting and banging on the piano, pretending like we knew how to play. Using a bunch of ingredients in your kitchen to “fake bake” I know I came up with some pretty disgusting concoctions. You always tasted them though. Well…in my 5 year old mind you did. I realized later in life you were an excellent pretender.

I think my very favorite memories were made on the front porch though. Hours were spent out on that swing. I hope I have a place for it one day because I have loved it for so many years. You would sit and listen to stories about my life. You always took interest in each one of your grandchildren. You told me stories from the past and I loved hearing your stories about my Dad as a kid. That porch was made for stories and memories.

But I just want to make sure you know that I could never have asked for a better grandma. Thank you for always being there. For always thinking of us, even as we all grew up and our lives got busy. For always loving us.
 

                                                                          Love always,
                                                                          Rachel

I am happy to say, she received that letter and I was able to visit her 2 times before she passed. The first time she spoke of how proud she was of me. She told me that I’m doing such a good job raising my boys, And she told me how much she loved me. We said our goodbyes, not knowing if we would see each other again.

The second time was a bit different. Life came full circle. She was there to hold me and love me when I was just a couple of days old, and God made it possible for me to be there to hold her and love her through her last couple of days and right up until her final breath on Earth.

She is reunited with so many people that she lost and rejoicing with the Lord now. It’s not a goodbye today, because one day we will meet again. I love you Grandma. Thank you for the memories.

I'm Getting a "New" Spine!

If you would have asked me just a few years ago if I would ever consider having a spinal fusion, I would have told you absolutely not. I know I write about my back a lot, but it's because it's a big part of my life. 

If you're new to this, then let me give you a little review. I was diagnosed with scoliosis around the age of 12 I would guess. I had to be fitted for a back brace to try and stop the curvature as I continued to grow. This was horrifying to me. Those braces were big and bulky, and I was at the most awkward stage of my life. Middle school. I had to wear it almost 24 hours a day. Sleeping sucked. I definitely had nights that I would wake up and take it off without my mom knowing. It was uncomfortable, made me sweat and made me extremely self-conscious. Looking back, I don't think anyone cared that I was wearing a brace, and some kids probably didn't even know, but in my head everyone was making fun of me and whispering about me. 

Skip ahead, and I finally stopped growing, so I didn't have to wear the brace anymore. Freedom! Scoliosis never caused me any pain...which was probably another reason I hated the brace. I didn't see why I needed to wear it, if my back didn't even hurt. I was given the option of surgery back then, and I can remember sobbing at the kitchen table explaining all the reasons why I didn't want it to my mom. I was in what the doctor called the "gray area". I didn't need to have it, but I could get it. In the end, I got my way. I don't necessarily regret it because I feel like I had valid reasons.

In my early 20's I had minimal pain. More like a pinched nerve here and there, but nothing bad.

By my late 20's and 2 kids later the pain was starting to show up more frequently.

I can't really pinpoint when in my early 30's that the pain set in, and it just never went away. I saw an orthopedic doctor when James was 2. He pretty rudely informed me that the only thing that was going to fix me was surgery. There was just no way. A. I was terrified. B. I had 2 young children that I took care of daily. I couldn't do it. I remember going to my car and just breaking down and trying to accept that this was my life now. Constant pain. He wouldn't even consider any medications.

I didn't even try to see another orthopedic doctor until 3 years ago. That's when I met my current doctor. He has been so amazing to me. Never has pressured me. He explains things clearly and actually cares about my well being. 

Last summer I finally decided that I was ready for surgery. As my doctor told me 3 years ago, "You will know when and if you're ready. The surgery is major and usually happens when you feel like your quality of life is declining." 

Last week I finally had the appointment I had been waiting for. I got my surgery date! I had invited my mom to come along because she will be the one taking care of me for a few weeks afterward and I wanted her to meet my doctor since he will be performing the surgery. I had a list of probably 12 questions and my mom had a small list as well. He sat and answered every single one oy them.

The recovery will be brutal. Especially the first week or two. The first few months I can't bend or twist as my spine fuses together. I will have to learn new ways of doing things. There's even a specific way they teach you how to get out of bed called "the log roll". My surgery is scheduled for the day after school gets out. When I tell people this they think I'm crazy because I won't have fun summer break. My focus is recovering, so I'm well enough to get right back to work in August...which he said is doable. 

The surgery itself will be around 5 to 6 hours. Rods and screws will be placed in a large portion of my spine. Likely from about T2-L2. This will all be decided after my next MRI. Bone grafts will be placed between the vertebrae.to help fuse the whole spine together in those areas. He will maneuver my spine to get it as straight as possible. It likely will still have a curve, but not nearly like it is now. It all depends on how arthritic my bones have become. 

I'm not scared of the surgery itself. I am worried about the pain and recovery, but he told me that they will make sure I have the "good stuff". I'll be in the hospital a few days and then be able to recover at home. After about 6 weeks, once the incision is healed, I will be able to start PT. I could have hugged my doctor when I asked about the bone graft, and he said they don't take it from the hip anymore. I had a previous surgery on my foot, where a graft was taken from my hip and it still hurts from time to time.

This surgery will be life changing. Hopefully life changing in a good way! My nerve pain should go away (although I've read it's common for other nerves to get messed up, so lets hope not). Hopefully it will help my acid reflux. I'm hoping my rib pain lessens as well. I just want to be able to do things without thinking, "How badly am I going to hurt after this?" I took a 2 mile walk yesterday and have been hurting all day today. 

Life will never be the same in certain ways. I will never bend like I do now. I will have to learn to bend at the hip. No more slouching, even if I want to. There may be a few things I won't ever be able to do, but for the most part I should be able to do quite a bit. I'm a little worried about things like cleaning the litter box, shaving my legs and cutting my toe nails...but then I remember that we as humans can really learn to adapt to anything.

My biggest goal in all of this is to stay positive. I told my doctor that I've heard that a positive attitude can help you heal more quickly. He said that's true. I know there will be days in the beginning that will be HARD and I know I'll cry and be frustrated, but I also know that I've got God on my side and He will help me through. After that, it's full steam ahead with getting better...well maybe not full steam. I don't think I'm supposed to push myself super hard. Plus I will have my mom here for awhile. And I know when she leaves I have friends here that will help me too. Let me know if you like cutting toe nails...because I'm gonna need help!

96 days until my spine doesn't look like this anymore!

Worthy of Good

Sometimes new beginnings can be a good thing. It's been awhile since I've written, but maybe I'll get back into again a little more this year.

I was very thankful for the beginning of a new year. It's not that last year was particularly awful. It had it's good moments and not so good ones just like any year. By the time you reach the end though, it's kind of nice to "wipe the slate clean" and start out fresh.

Some people spend New Year's Eve out partying. That has never been my thing. Others stay up to ring in the new year at home. That was once me. The me before children. How did I spend mine? I was hoping with a couple of friends of mine but that didn't work out. I ended up eating a dinner for one out of a Styrofoam container while crying. Then binge eating every crappy food that I could fit into my stomach while watching Top Gun Maverick. Oh, but that's not all my friends. Then I had a giant emotional breakdown and cried until I had no more tears left. My mom messaged me and asked if I was going to go to Calvary the next morning? She knew I had been thinking about it. I told her "maybe". She encouraged me to go, and then I promptly fell asleep at 10pm.

Pretty depressing.

As weird as it seems though, I'm glad that I broke down. I'm glad that I cried my eyes out. I'm glad that in my saddest moment I decided to do something I hadn't done in awhile. I opened my Bible app and started a new devotional reading.

Last Sunday I got up and got myself ready for church. I texted a couple of good friends and told them to pray for me because I was nervous. It took me a few minutes of sitting in my van contemplating what I was about to do, before taking a deep breath and walking into Calvary. I didn't think people would be unwelcoming, but I still wasn't sure how I would be received. I purposely got there close to service time, so I could just sit back and slowly take things in. We weren't even halfway through the 2nd song and I was smiling. After the service I was greeted with open arms from so many people. I had missed those people so much more than I had let myself realize.

This week I was excited to go back. Not only would the boys be able to come with me, but one of my best friends who also used to go joined me this time. She calls me her "Emotional Support Person". I once again felt the love of others, and I watched as people greeted her with open arms just as I had been. 

God has always used music to speak to me...when I'm willing to listen. That's why I always loved singing on worship team there. Today we sang a song that I love, but I REALLY heard the words. Here I was singing, and in true Rachel fashion, sweating and fanning myself with a bulletin. Yet, as we sang these words my entire body was covered in goosebumps. Naturally I've been listening to it on repeat the entire day.

The sermon was just what I needed to hear and we were reminded that each one of us is worthy of good our lives. 

A conversation with Daniel is what brought up the topic of Calvary a couple of weeks ago. It all started with talking about Taylorville and how he loves it. I told him that I hated it when I first moved here in 2009. Then I got used to it but I still didn't love it. He asked me when I decided that I did love it? I said, "When I started going to Calvary. That's when I finally felt like Taylorville was my "home"." He said, "Well...why don't we go back there? I miss it." I'm so glad we had that conversation because these past 2 weeks I've felt "home" again. 

I am home. I am worthy of good. And I will sing of the goodness of God.