Warrior Status Activated

It's hard to believe that we're already halfway through the year. I think we say that every year, but it's going fast. 

While there have been hard times, there have been really positive things that have happened as well, but to get to the positive, I have to share the negatives too. 

After my New Year's Eve "mental breakdown", I took a deep breath and pressed on. I started 2023 by picking a word of the year. I chose "warrior", because I knew with my upcoming surgery it would be fitting. 

The tears that I had cried on New Year's Eve were tears of stress, emotional exhaustion and frustration. I had been struggling at work all year. It had nothing to do with the kids or their families. It had everything to do with the leadership within the church and the way that I was being treated both by the pastor and the committee that should have been there to support me. In November I had a review where I was basically told I was doing a crap job for 2 hours. Never in my life had I ever been given anything but outstanding reviews. I went straight from there to the Taylorville District Office to pick up an application to be a para. I messaged the principal at North to see if there were any openings. She said no, but to put my app in.

I carried on for another month, which brought us to the week Christmas break would be starting. I had approached the personnel board with concerns in a letter, which I asked to remain confidential which they did not...and I was pulled in for another 2 hour meeting that was demeaning and condescending. Needless to say, I was struggling. I could write a whole book on how myself and another staff member were treated, but I choose to rise above that.

The new year arrived and I decided things were going to turn around. Somehow. Some way. My first decision was going back and trying Calvary again. Daniel had asked about it the week before and after messaging with a friend, I felt like I needed to go. I was welcomed back with open arms. It was refreshing to feel at home again.

I also decided that same day that I was starting over for the millionth time with a weight loss journey. If you know me, you know I am a yoyo dieter. I am also a binge eater. It's an addiction. I usually make it a few months at most and then fall off the wagon. I'm happy to say that I am 6 months in and about 19 pounds down from where I started. My metabolism is not what it was in my 20's, that's for sure. Slow and steady win the race...although I've been heavy on the snacking this past week which had been a big struggle. I'm trying to walk 10k steps a day now though. I'm at my lowest weight since before I had James and feeling a little more confident in my own skin. Plus walking builds bone density!

That same week, I came in to work at the church. I remember telling a coworker how badly my body ached even though I hadn't done anything. I'm almost certain it was the stress of being there. I sat down at my computer in the office and my messenger notification popped up. It was the principal telling me a para spot was opening up and she wanted me! 

I had a few hurdles to jump to get there including a 2 hour test which I stressed over for days. I passed though! God literally let every single thing fall into place, and by February 1 I was able to start my new job which I loved from the start.

Life was good until April 6th. I went to my orthopedic surgeon to go over my bone density results. I had to wait an hour past my appointment time, so I was already in a mood. Then he came in to let me know my bone density isn't where it needs to be in my spine. If we proceeded with the surgery as planned, I would run the risk of the hardware failing. He left the ultimate choice up to me , but he also was very clear that he didn't recommend it. I didn't even make it out of the room before I started to cry. I sat in my car sobbing. I could not understand why God would stop this from happening, when it felt like he had lined things up for me perfectly. 

This is where I sometimes want to shake myself. I get SO worked up. I get emotional and consumed by anxiety. It's not that I like it. It's not that I want it to happen, but I need to learn to trust God more in these moments. I know exactly why he stopped the surgery from happening as planned. If I would have had it, I would never have been able to go and be with my grandma in her final days. I never would have even been able to make it to her funeral. He stopped my surgery because He knew my grandma was going to need me and that I needed to be there for her.

So, that's where I am. I was kind of mad at first because I had specifically picked "warrior" as my word because I was going to be one as I recovered. But looking over the major events of the year so far, I sure as heck have been a warrior, and I'm proud of it.