Daniel's 10th Birthday Letter

 Dear Daniel,

Today you reached a new milestone in your life. You made it to the double digits. I can't believe it's been 10 whole years since the nurse laid you on my chest. You were perfect. Although, looking back you kind of looked like a little alien...but moms are blind to that. I was so in love with you and in awe. I always dreamed of having kids, and God blessed me with you.

Over this past year you have grown so much. First of all, you are up to my shoulders! Almost 5 feet tall in 4th grade. I keep wondering what year you'll pass me up? You've also grown and matured a lot. You have helped me SO much. I know you don't always enjoy it (because what kid really likes being told what to do?), but you do it. It's nice to have someone that will help me when my back is hurting by carrying laundry up and down the stairs, helping to carry in the groceries and take the trash out. You've shown that you can be responsible and trustworthy too. That doesn't mean that you don't have an impulsive side that leaves me scratching my head some days. You also do plenty of immature things as well. Just this week you put a stuffed fox in a pair of underwear and I found them spinning on your ceiling fan. Today you and James won these spiky balls from a claw machine and you stuffed them in your shirt and told me you had spiky boobs. I say it all the time. Boys are WEIRD.

Highlights over the past year have been:

• surviving 3rd grade which was a giant mess of remote learning, half days of school and full days off school.
• finally learning how to ride a bike...which you picked up in 1 day!
• checking a new state off your list. We went to Nebraska and finally got to meet your cousin Katie who was almost 2 years old!
• getting Covid and having to quarantine for 10 days. Thankfully yours was super mild. A one day fever, a nasty cough and a slight runny nose. But now you can tell your kids someday that you survived the Rona.
• getting to go on an actual field trip! The 4th grade went to Springfield and got to go to the Lincoln museum and grave site. You were so dang excited and from the sounds of it, you loved every minute. I can't wait to go back with you sometime!

Yesterday we went to your conference and your teacher didn't have one negative thing to say. She said you're an awesome kid. You follow the rules. You follow directions. And your test scores for math and reading a far above average. You've passed the multiplication and division computer program, so she's excited to get the fraction program to challenge you more! I sure wish I had your math skills, but I'm thankful you understand it so well and love it, because I would be LOST!

Today we celebrated by having cake for breakfast and going to Chuck E Cheese. That part was for James too, since I missed most of his birthday. You 2 had a lot of fun and I loved seeing the smiles on your faces. 

Here's to an awesome year of being 10! I love you so much and I am proud of the person you are becoming.

Love,
Mom

In All Things, Give Thanks

I feel like I've been down in the dumps with a lot of my posts lately, so I figure it's about time to find some cheer and positivity. 

Here are just some of the things I am thankful for right now.

1. A God who loves me and has carried me through being sick. He has given me strength on days where I don't feel strong at all.

2. My kids. Being a mom isn't easy, but I am so lucky to have Daniel and James in my life. They are the best.

3. An amazing family. A mom who drops everything to come be with her sick adult child and to take care of her grandkids. And a dad and sisters who check in to see how I'm doing, or say random things to make me laugh.

4. Actual health care coverage that isn't going to put me into debt from my recent hospital stay.

5. Friends who check in. All the Facebook messages, texts, calls (for the few of you that I'll answer my phone for!), have given me encouragement. The amount of people who dropped things off for the boys and I when we were quarantined just blew me away. So many Halloween treats (like TOO many!), medicine, care packages, and even a gift card to order pizza so I wouldn't have to worry about supper. I may be an introvert, but knowing that people will be there when you need them is a very nice feeling too.

6. That the boys have a dad that will help take care of them, and that is willing to get along so that the boys lives aren't complicated. He has helped quite a few times these past few weeks, and it's been very helpful to me.

7. That I have an EXTERMELY understanding job. I am so thankful to the church where I work for allowing all of this recovery time. I hate being gone. I really wanted to go back this week, but I just don't see it happening. People have stepped in to sub for preschool and Kid's Club. My co-workers have all checked in on me multiple times too. 

8. I was still able to get out on a couple short drives to see the leaves at their peak. It was beautiful.

9. If I need to boost my spirits, I can jam out to Christmas music.

10. I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed and food.

Covid Chronicles -The Extended Version

Well, here we go. I suppose I missed out on my blog a day in November, but that's life.

I figured it was about time to document my journey with Covid since I've blogged and shared my opinions on it for the past year and a half. I would say, I'll try to make it brief, but I'm long winded, so just quit reading when you get bored. It's mostly here for my own memories.

Saturday, October 24th, I got to spend my entire day working at the pumpkin patch and it was glorious. I felt 100% fine (minus the bee that decided to fly down into my sock and sting my ankle). I had no idea that I was about to come crashing down within the next 12 hours.

My plan for the weekend had been to hit up some fun local Halloween festivities. Then I got called to work at the patch, and decided we would cram in a couple of things on Sunday. When I woke up, I just felt off. My sinuses were plugged, my body ached (but what else is new?) and I was freezing. The being cold is what actually caught my attention. My normal body temperature always runs a bit low. Usually about 97.5, and it was 100.5 when I took it. We canceled our plans for the day, and while James was bummed, Daniel was happy about having a stay at home day. I had a couple of home rapid tests up in the closet and figured I'd take one just for fun. It came back negative, so I figured it was just a lovely little bug I picked up. In fact, I blamed the bee!

I stayed home from work on Monday since I had a fever all day on Sunday. Took the boys to school and rested all day. No fever. By Tuesday, I woke up feeling worse. I knew the fever was back and I just felt like I was weighted down. I took the boys to school, came home and took another rapid test. Within 3 minutes I had 2 pink lines. Not pregnant. Just Covid. That meant I had to go back to school and pick up James. Daniel was still in the 90 day window from having it already and was allowed to continue going to school. James and I went to the Health Dept. so I could get an "official" test (basically so they have documentation and I don't have to quarantine again if I get exposed within the 90 day window), and to get James tested. His came back with a faint positive and honestly I think he probably had already had it for almost a week and I just assumed it was allergies. He fared well. 

I had a fever for 7 of the first 8 days. Never higher than 100.5, but no fun. Zero energy. I think I lost taste by about the 3rd or 4th day. I was also very nauseous for several days.  The cough started to set in too. Still, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. In fact, at first I said the Covid was easy compared to whatever sickness it was I had back in the summer of 2020. That was a 2 week recovery and it sucked. Although, I still think I was in way more actual pain from that sickness.

Then came day 10. You know...the point where you'd think you'd be starting to round the corner? I knew something was off that day. I did NOT feel right at all. It was James' last day in quarantine and his birthday was the following day. I was not going to let it get me down. Every muscle in my body hurt. I borrowed a pulse oximeter from a friend and noticed when I moved around more my oxygen would drop. Getting up the stairs was awful. My legs burned, my arms burned, and it felt like I was trying to climb Everest. I tucked the boys in, and went back down to set up for James' birthday and about passed out trying to hang up a banner.

I promised myself that in the morning after I took the boys to school that I would drive to Springfield to urgent care and get checked out. It seemed like a waste of resources to go to the ER. That morning I let James open one present and his card and let them know I was going to the doctor that morning. My pulse ox was dropping into the low 90's, so after I dropped Daniel off I knew that I needed to head somewhere. I just felt this nudge from God that I needed to just get myself to the ER. If it wasn't bad, they would send me home.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes trying to decide if I REALLY needed to be seen. I finally headed in and within 5 minutes I was in a room hooked up to an EKG machine because my heart was racing so fast. Then 6 hours of "fun" ensued in the ER. Chest x-rays, fluids, meds, CT scan. At one point I requested my nurse move my IV because it was hurting me. The first move ended up blowing a vein. 3rd time was a charm though. I was diagnosed with double pneumonia and the attending doctor was not happy with my pulse ox or heart rate and decided that I needed to be admitted. So much for a quick trip to the ER!

Thankfully Jacob was able to get off early to come back to town and get the boys. My mom messaged me and asked me if she should come...and as much as I didn't want to burden her, sometimes a girl just really needs her mom. She was on her way as soon as she could be. And once she got here was able to get a bag dropped at the hospital for me, and have Jacob help by picking her up at my house and going to get my van from the hospital.

Sleep didn't really happen the first night. I was attached to an IV and heart monitor. My IV port enjoyed sounding alarms at various times just because. Plus, I was kind of freaked out. At about 6:30 that evening my hands and arms felt like they were falling asleep. But no amount of movement was helping. They were weighted down. Then my legs started in, so I called in the nurse. Within an hour my face was tingling too. She called my doctor and then decided to put me on low flow oxygen. The general consensus was that my body was just not getting quite enough oxygen. And did you know it's possible to hyperventilate without even knowing it? Me either. Not until my doctor told me that it's likely what happened. The tingling and heaviness lasted into the middle of the night, but by morning was gone!

The next day was just kind of a blur. Answering messages, talking to my mom and the boys, binge watching SVU and being hooked up to monitors. But my O2 was staying up, and I found out I'd likely be released the following day. 

I just have to say, that although hospitals can suck, I felt genuinely cared for at TMH. The staff in the ER and the 2nd floor were amazing to me...and from what I could taste of the food, that wasn't too bad either.

I was only in the hospital a little over 48 hours, but man oh man did it feel good to be back in my own house. I came home to a clean house. The boys got to go to Jacob's for the weekend, which meant I was able to rest and relax with my mom and pray she didn't go insane from listening to my cough.

She headed home on Monday...and I'll admit, I cried as she drove away. I'm so very thankful for her.

I was a bit naïve when it came to this whole healing thing. Yeah, the Covid is what caused the pneumonia, and even though it sucked, I could probably handle the Covid end of it again, but the pneumonia got me good. I finished 2 of the meds I was on, and am still taking another, plus using an inhaler as needed. My heart likes to race. I get winded easily. I really had this thought in my head that by about Wednesday, I'd be really on the move. Haha! Not how recovery goes...but I did at least have a bit more energy today. Like 40% instead of 20. I feel like people must think I'm milking it at this point, but I can sincerely say I have never had the life so sucked out of me before.

With each day that passes though, I know that God is helping my body to heal. My immune system is pretty jacked up right now, so it's going to take awhile to get back on track, but I'm going to get there. There are so many people worse off than I was, so I am very thankful that while this has been a trying experience, that I'm still here kickin' for my boys.

If you read all of this, congratulations. You don't win anything, but thanks for being a sport and following me on this journey to remember. And thank you so much for those who have been praying. 

7th Birthday Letter

 Dear James,

Today is your 7th birthday! This year I'm typing this from my phone in a hospital bed. I'm so glad I got to sing to you this morning and that I let you open a present and your card. I'm glad that you get to celebrate with your dad and that Mimi T. is coming to hang out with you boys. Meredith from Happy Baked Goods even made a special delivery since I couldn't pick up your birthday cookies!

It's been kind of a crazy year for you. You did e-learning and partial school days for kindergarten. I'm sorry that you kind of got robbed of the full experience. So far this year, school has been "normal". You're still wearing masks, but things are less strict. Unfortunately, you've missed a couple of weeks of school due to quarantines, but you can say you had Covid and you were a champ.

You seem to love first grade. Mrs. Lively is your teacher and you tell me all the time how much you love school and how nice she is. You don't tell me much of what you actually do, but I know you're having fun. I'm so proud of you. You go to 2nd grade 2 days a week for reading because you're ahead of the curve. You're very smart, not always humble about it though!

This summer we took a road trip to Nebraska and you're still talking about it. Especially the huge wind storm we went through. We also met cousin Katie for the first time too! 

You are still very very dramatic. It drives me crazy and you know it. Maybe 7 is the magic number to end the drama? Probably not. You're always STARVING to death and when things don't go your way you say, "Nobody loves me". I know you know that's not true though. 

This past week you started asking a lot of questions about death, heaven and God. You ended up praying and asking Jesus into your heart one night before bed. 

You are my holiday loving child who embraces my decor and love of pumpkin patches. Pretty sure you don't love corn mazes anymore, but you do love apple cider donuts! You even insisted on getting your own little pumpkin for your bedroom. Penny and the pumpkin patch told you that you have a lot of your momma in you. 

I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. You always tell me you love me and hug me 84753 times a day. I'm so glad that you are my little boy. You're growing up too fast though. 

Happy Birthday, Goose!

Love,

Mom

"I'm Fine"

I found this picture the other night, and it really resonated with me. I know that I can sound like a broken record at times, and honestly I kind of feel like one. Someone who doesn't deal with chronic pain probably can't always comprehend what every day pain is like. I have what I refer to as "normal pain" and then "higher pain or flare ups" There's never a day when I wake up and feel no pain at all. The closest I got was last year when I got the epidural injections in my back. They worked for about 2 days, and I felt like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka for those 2 glorious days when I got up in the morning. 

During the low pain days and weeks I really don't say much, but on the days when it's worse, it's hard to not complain. I do it more online than face to face though. It's given me a deeper empathy for others who struggle, and I always remind myself at the end of the day, that there is always someone far worse off than me surviving, so I can do it too.

Back to the picture I mentioned:

I can relate to each of those bullet points. My go to answer is always, "I'm fine!" or "Oh, I'm hanging in there!". I thought I'd share my thoughts on all the bullets though, and what goes on in my own mind,

• I'm having a good pain day
• On days like that, it's just the normal pain, so I really am "fine"
• I'm pretending to feel fine to help myself cope better.
• I'm a push through the pain kinda girl and if I am in pain (especially around a bunch of people), I'm going to fake it 'til I make it. If all I do is focus on the pain, I'm not going to get through whatever it is I need to be doing. Some days it's just cleaning the house. I'll start and then feel the pain coming on, but I push myself every time to just keep going because I don't want to give up. Or, if I'm at work and I see something that needs done, I'm just going to do it. I have finally started relying on my co-workers more and actually asking for help more if I need something heavy picked up and moved...but I still feel bad asking. And you will always see me smiling in pictures and trying to go out and have fun with my kids, because you know what? Life is short and I'd rather make memories and be in pain, than not get to enjoy those moments with my kids.
• I'm straight up lying. I feel horrible, but explaining it doesn't benefit you or me.
• I lie a lot when it comes to talking to people I don't know very well, or for the ones that I know will want to give me unsolicited advice. Most advice givers have the best of intentions, but after years and years of people telling me, "You should try this essential oil.", "Have you tried Advil?" "Do a yoga class", "You need to totally change your diet.", Just rest and put some heat on it." I know in my heart that most people are trying to help, but I just end up feeling defeated. And for those wondering, I:
• have tried creams, oil, CBD oil etc.
• taken every OTC anti-inflammatory known to man
• taken exercise classes with stretching
• gone to physical therapy
• tried prescription meds....and so much more.
• I don't feel well, but explaining it tires me.
• Yup
• I don't want to be seen as complaining
• Yet here I am. If I'm in any situation around people that aren't my very close friends or family, I may say something like, "My back hurts more today than usual". If I say that it really means, "Holy crap...this hurts and I really want to go home and cry." This happened recently at an event. By the time I got home, I had to pause climbing the stairs and then I just laid out flat on my bedroom floor for 20 minutes trying to stretch out the pain. (Unfortunately, the pain from that night is still flaring 23 days later.)
• I know you really don't care how I am feeling.
• This depends on the person. I know who is genuine, and who isn't. And that's fine. I know it's annoying to hear someone complain.

Anyway, just a big thank you to those of you listen to me complain on here. Sometimes I just need to get it out. Sometimes, writing is a healing outlet for me. Especially when it's so hard to get a medical professional to listen to you and understand. What I'm feeling is NOT normal. Here's hoping I can get somewhere with my doctor this week!

Church Hurt and Closure

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, but I haven't been sure where to start, or how it would be received. I want to get my own feelings unapologetically written down, while also being mindful of others. Out of respect, I will not be using names.

Back in June, I began a second job at DMCC. (The church where I teach preschool) It was a job that had been brought up to me a few times over a one year span. I initially declined it. Then, I decided maybe I should consider it, but things happened. Life happened. Divorce happened. A dang pandemic happened. So, I once again put it on the back burner. It never fully left my mind though. It was always just kind of lingering in the background.

The job was just being created. It was essentially to do outreach for the church and focus on the younger generation (kids-40ish). I really went back and forth a lot. Mainly because I had a church home, and I really didn't know how DMCC would take it if I was doing this particular job, but attending and actively involved in another church within the community. Pastor Bill was okay with that, and thought the church would be as well.

Earlier this year I really started feeling God nudging me more toward this job, but I was still unsure. I even emailed my own pastor and his wife for advice. They said they would love to meet and would set up a time to do so, but that never happened. Yes, I could have taken the initiative to set something up, but that next Sunday, the pastor preached on using our gifts to serve others. I had this peace wash over me. I COULD use my gifts in both churches to serve God and his people. It shouldn't matter where you are going, as long as God is the forefront. I let Pastor Bill know that I was ready to move forward. The next step was to meet with the Personnel Committee. They had questions and concerns...and one was about the 2 churches. I explained my thoughts and they were okay with it, and decided that if I wanted the job, that it could move to the board for a vote. I was voted in near the end of May and began my job on June 7th. 

I let my own pastor know by email the decision that I had made in May. I never got a response, but continued on at Calvary. I was singing in worship team (something that truly made me happy and helped me really connect with God). I was attending other events. I was presented a gift for volunteering at the church. I was greeted by the leadership as I always had been.

Calvary was my "home" for 6 years. It was the first time I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be. I made friends. I loved to worship each Sunday. I was growing.

It wasn't until the end of June that I got burned. I didn't even see it coming. Someone on staff contacted me about the job I took. Asked me questions. My brain wasn't even processing everything that was being asked and I don't even know what I was saying in return. When I get put on the spot it's like my brain turns to mush and I have an out of body experience. I tried to explain the position, but with it being new, it was hard to fully describe what I was doing. 

I do remember a few of the things that were said to me. I was told that it was "weird" several times, that I was working for one church while going to another. I was told that while I wasn't being told that I needed to step down from worship team, that it didn't "sit right" that I was up in front of Calvary on Sunday mornings and doing outreach somewhere else. I was told that the church I'm working for has way different beliefs than Calvary, which also was weird and didn't sit right. (The church is far more traditional and there are a few things done differently...but both churches believe in God, baptism by immersion etc,).
And my favorite analogy was when I was informed that I was "dating two churches" and that seemed wrong. I of course acted fine on the phone because that's just me. 

As soon as I hung up, my brain caught up, and I burst into tears. I felt so deflated. My spirt was completely crushed. I do better with words when I write, so after crying all day, I composed another email to the pastor and his wife. I explained in detail, my feelings. How hurt I felt. How I didn't understand why nothing was said to me until that point. I let him know that I was stepping down from worship team effective immediately and really didn't think I would be back at Calvary after that.

His reply was basically that he'd rather speak in person...something I was not comfortable with. I felt like I would be headed into the lion's den with the other leadership being present as well. He said he'd like to discuss this, and didn't want to see me go. But, how could I continue to go to a church where I wouldn't be welcomed to serve?  I was made to feel that I did something wrong. I did send one more reply, to which I never received a response.

I've spend the summer going through a range of emotions. Deep hurt. Anger. Greif. I have missed it. 

Last night I attended a wedding there. It was my first time back in the building. It didn't feel like "home" anymore. It wasn't bad by any means, but it just didn't feel right. I was happy to see some people that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice to get hugs. Some people said hello. I have no idea who even knows I've been gone, honestly. No one reached out to me. I told a couple closer friends what was going on. They were amazing to me and still are. One thing that struck me was that 2 people told me (one former member and one current) that Calvary doesn't interact with other churches. I realized that was true...so it made more sense to me why things happened the way they did.

For the most part, I truly just miss the people. The ones who prayed with me. Did Life Group with me. Who loved me and the boys. Who supported me through a divorce. Who were there through many of life's ups and downs. I'll always be thankful for the years I had there and the people who positively influenced my life and those to continue to do so. I don't hold ill feelings toward the church in general, I love so many people there. I just wish things had panned out differently.

But, at the same time, I do believe everything happens for a reason. God already knew what was going to happen. I'm enjoying the work I've started doing at DMCC. I'm learning to come out of my shell a bit more. I've taken a church hiatus for the time being. I do watch services online sometimes, but sometimes it takes a while to heal. I am thankful for DMCC for welcoming me with open arms and for the people I have met there as well. Hopefully I will be able to continue to serve there and with the help of God,  see the church begin to grow.

Reflections

Today is my 1 Year Anniversary!

1 year ago today, I started a brand new chapter in my life and I never looked back. That day was pretty hush hush minus the friends who helped me move and my family. I wasn't quite ready to share with the entire world that I was getting a divorce.

What I have learned is that I am entirely capable and strong enough to make it through just about anything. Change can be a scary thing, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that God is going to get you through it all.

I've come to realize that I hid a lot of what I was going through because I felt as though I would be judged. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were married. Their parents were married. There were no divorces. I grew up going to church every Sunday (usually twice), and Wednesday nights. 

There is one thing that bothers me more now, than it ever did when I was growing up. It didn't matter what church I attended, and I still hear it now. It is drilled into your head that. "Divorce is NOT an option". I have memories of being in middle school and high school youth group and hearing that for the first time. I diligently took down notes and I knew in my heart that I would follow this "rule".

I've sat through conferences, church services, women's retreats and more, and I've heard it everywhere. You fight for your marriage. Marriage is hard work. All you need to do is communicate. Never EVER say the "D word" (Yes...that's an actual statement).

Of course, I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be a fairy tale. I most certainly didn't think that I'd ever get a divorce. Marriage vows should not be taken lightly. But, I think that the church as a whole needs to stop guilting people. Is marriage hard? Absolutely. I'm not saying just run away and give up right away. But, stop with the guilt.

You're taught that God only allows divorce for a couple of reasons and in general pastors seems to get stuck on infidelity and physical abuse. I'm here to tell you that there is more to abuse than just a physical side. There can be an emotional/psychological side to abuse that no one sees. I went through many years of guilt before I finally realized through prayer that it was okay to leave. I truly believe that God gave me his blessing.  

I mean, it took years to work up the courage and once I finally did, everything fell into place. God even had a home for the boys and I all lined up. 

I feel a whole lot stronger than I did a year ago. I have gained more confidence in myself. I've started believing in myself more. I've begun the healing process. I cried a lot last year for a few different reasons. I'm pretty sure I was depressed there for awhile. It's a weird thing to even explain because, I was free. I was happy to be free. But there's a lot to process at the same time and it didn't help that all of the world had collectivly lost their ever loving minds over a global pandemic.

I didn't lose any friends. My church family supported me. I am so thankful for that...I just wish that I hadn't spent so long thinking that people would judge me and tell me I couldn't be a part of things. (Well, maybe some did judge, but that's okay because no one did it to my face!)  

So cheers to my one year anniversary. Here's to more healing and more personal growth in the days and years that lie ahead of me. And thank you to all of you who made it through this post and who have shown me love and support this past year...and some who have been loving and supporting me even longer than that. You know who you all are. 

What 36 Taught Me

36 was a weird but liberating year for me. It didn't start out great. The state was still in the thick of the "Stay at Home Order". Everything was closed down, and I didn't get to even go out to eat on my birthday. Thankfully I have some great people in my life who helped make that day feel extra special.

I've done a lot of evolving in the past year and have been discovering things along the way.

36 taught me that:

• I am strong. Even when I have doubted it. Even when I have spent days crying my eyes out. I rise back up and keep on going. 
• It's never too late to start over, and more importantly, it's OKAY to start over. I had to use a lot of my strength to come to terms with this. It was years in the making. It's okay to leave a situation that is affecting your mental and even physical health.
• I need to set boundaries and I need to stand up for things that I believe in. A friend of mine says, "Speak your truth", and it has really stuck with me. It's something that I need to work on. It's not easy...and I totally wimp out most of the time, but I will say that the times I've been brave enough to do it leaves me feeling proud and accomplished.
• It's okay to accept and ask for help sometimes. That's another thing that doesn't come easily for me, but it's a work in progress.
• Sometimes things don't go as you plan. (Okay...I didn't just learn that). As disheartening as that is though, it usually means that it's not God's plan or not quite His timing. As another friend says, "When things don't go the way we want them to, you have to pull up your bootstraps and press on".
• Home-schooling (aka distance learning) is NOT for me.
• Sometimes all I really need is a full gas tank and some great music to sing along to. Drives do my soul good.
• Self-care is important...and it's okay to go on vacation without your kids so you can actually relax.

I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. It was a roller coaster year of life. I'm talking days where I was beyond happy and days where I cried so many tears I literally dehydrated myself and made myself sick. I made it though! 

Here's to 37! Another year of highs and lows, but I've got this. (With God's help!) Bring on the new opportunities and new memories.

 

Things I Learned in Florida

 

1.Never, I repeat NEVER pack $3 flip flops from WalMart that you've never worn before. Or you might end up limping into a souvenir shop and buying new ones that won't pinch and give you blisters on your very first night.

2. If your sister the marathon runner says we should walk somewhere and it's "not far"...it IS far. You may also end up with a blister the size of a half dollar on the bottom of your foot.

3. My sister is a cheapskate who didn't want to rent beach chairs. Granted, I didn't either, but our attempt to buy cheaper ones to just leave behind, failed. Yolo.

4. Don't fret over every single thing that costs money. Sometimes the adventure is totally worth it. Going parasailing was the best experience, and who knows if and when I'll get the chance to do it again.

5. I am a TERRIBLE decision maker. Okay. I already knew that. It's not that I make bad decisions. I just can't make up my mind on things...and apparently that really annoys my sister. I should probably work on that.

6. I'm also a poor navigational person. It made for some funny and/or frustrating moments, but I hate driving in new places, so thankfully Kendra was game. 

7. Kendra can be a scary driver. Let us never forget the orange cones she forcefully backed us into at Disney while I yelled, "Be careful!"

8. It turns out that not only am I allergic to hospital grade adhesive, I'm also allergic to the adhesive in the blister band-aids I bought. I may or may not have tossed money at Kendra and made her go in the gas station to get me Benadryl while I furiously sat scratching my feet in the car.

 9. Disney IS the happiest place on earth if you travel with the right person. I can't wait to do it again someday. Also...I stand by my opinion that I never want to take young kids there.

10. I LOVE the ocean. I knew that already, but I kind of forgot. It was so peaceful (when the construction next door was done for the day!). Walking in the sand and walking out into the water are the best feelings.

11. 3498359 facts about Disney. We may have nerded out the night before Disney and sat up for hours reading each other various facts and trivia about Disney. And then we may have continued the obsession for the rest of our trip.

12. Don't shop on Disney property...I mean, unless you've got all the money. We had way more funny going to souvenir shops in Orlando to shop and save money!

13. No matter how old we get, sisters will always get irritated with each other and smack the other one at least once or twice.

14. Be spontaneous! If there's an awesome full moon over the ocean and it's 11:30pm, who cares? Go down to the beach and enjoy it!

15. I still really love to read. I just struggle to focus at home. Therefore, I should probably just win the lottery and sit and read on the beach for the rest of my life.

A Journey to Finding Myself

If you remember, my word this year is "Self". As in self-care, self-love, and self-worth. This past week was all about that for me. Taking a one week beach vacation with my sister was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself.

Confession. When I was in my early 20's and working in daycare, I totally judged the parents who went on vacations without their kids. I had no kids. I wanted kids more than anything and to me that just didn't make sense. How could these people leave their children to go on a week long trip?

As a young mom, I still couldn't fathom it. The first time I left Daniel all day to go to Chicago, he was 7 months old and I SOBBED the entire day before because I was sure he and I would never make it without each other. I don't think I could have taken this trip up until this past year. The timing wasn't right. I wasn't ready to leave the boys for that long. I could only dream of alone time.

Last summer, Kendra and I were supposed to go to California, but had to cancel, so, I struck out on a mini adventure on my own to Hannibal in August. It was my first taste of adventure and finding myself.

I mentioned to a good friend of mine on the 2nd day of this trip that I kind of felt like I should be missing my kids more than I did. Don't think that I don't love them, because I absolutely do. I just knew that some people were probably reading my posts and thinking, "I can't believe she left her kids!" I knew my friend would understand, and her response really resonated deeply with me. She told me that, "Mom" is just one of the hats that I wear. It doesn't define me. It isn't the only thing that I am. I am my own person. I am allowed to crave this time for myself and it's okay for me to take care of me! I knew the boys were being well taken care of. We have the technology to video chat. They were great and even well behaved for my parents.   (Of course they started fighting more when I got back!)

What I'm realizing is that each one of us moms (and dads too) are our own person. What works for one may not work for another. I know some people who would never even think about doing what I did. I know others who frequently travel without kids. Kids and travel together stress me out. It's not relaxing in the least for me. I'll stick to day trips with the boys until they're old enough to appreciate a bigger trip. I might get adventurous this summer and do an overnight somewhere with them. I'm actually thinking about taking them to Hannibal to do Mark Twain Cave. I think they would love it.

I am so thankful I took the opportunity to do this for ME! I got quality time with my sister. I got to relax on the beach. I read a book without interruptions. I stood in the ocean and watched the waves. I went to Disney and didn't have to worry about complaining...except me when I was sweaty and "moist" and when Kendra had to pee every 15 minutes. I went parasailing...something I've wanted to do since I was 12 years old. 

This is only the beginning. I started a new chapter in my life 10 months ago, and finding myself along the way. Here's to so many more adventures!

Living in Hope, Not in Fear

Well, we did it. We survived a year living in a fear stricken world. I'll just preface this by saying that these are my own thoughts and opinions. I know we all have different views, and it's been abundantly clear that we are a nation divided. 

I will say, at the beginning of all of this, I had reservations and fears. So much was unknown. I was very concerned about my parents flying to Tennessee at this time last year. I watched as fear took hold of people far and wide. I can't explain why, but besides the initial uncertainty, my anxiety never went crazy. I accepted that I could get Covid (and still could), but I know that God is in control. I can't worry about  if I may or may not get sick. I didn't let it hold me back from seeing my family and friends. But, I have been respectful of the family and friends who weren't or still aren't ready to be around others. We all have our own level of comfort.

For myself, I am so thankful for those who I have been able to see consistently. I'm a hugger. I'm an introvert who still needs human touch. I've had a tribe of people that I know I can go to for a hug when I need one. You all have kept me strong. 

I am also beyond thankful for my church family. Calvary closed down in March and switched to online, like everyone else. By later in June, the doors reopened. From the very start (although with limited seating) they held 3 services instead of 2. One of those services required masks. The others were made optional. To be able to walk into a building with other people and not have a mask on my face was exactly what my heart needed. Daniel was to be baptized on Easter, but it was delayed until August. Eventually we went back to 2 services and online. We have a small mask section, but the rest of sanctuary and church is optional. "Air hugs" are encouraged, but honestly a lot of us hug because nothing beats human touch. 

In November we had a 2 or 3 week shutdown due to  some church staff getting Covid. The thing I respected the most was that despite HAVING Covid, our pastor still preached messages. 

Now here we are in March and it's time to move on. Another thing I love about my church is that Covid isn't mentioned a lot. It may come up in a sermon very briefly, but there is no fear mongering. There is no dwelling on it. It's not all doom and gloom. No one is telling you to put on a mask. It's refreshing. There is hope every week! First service is always completely full.  I'm sad I can't go tomorrow, but I can watch online still.

I fell down a rabbit hole this week and ended up messaging local churches and researching. More churches have gone to masks optional than not. Those who are requiring them seem to have lower attendance and are far more traditional, whereas the churches more open are the ones with people flooding in the doors and that are more contemporary. 

I said last night that I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Those who want to be vaccinated can and will be. Those who don't, like myself should be just as free to do what we want. It's time to open America again. It's time to start living life again. I'm ready to go into stores without a mask. I'm ready to stalk Garth Brooks across the USA again. I'm ready for the "new normal" to change into a newer and better normal. 

Again, I know that we all have our own thoughts and some will disagree with my last statement. I can tell you now that even within my own family there's a divide on opinions. 3 want to be or are vaccinated and 2 of us are not. But we all still love each other.

Here's to a brighter 2021. We made it a year. Now let's press on and live life to the fullest.

Reflections

It's been a few months since I've written. Tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of life changing as we knew it. Up until that point it was all fun and games. We all went to work/school on March 13th, and by that afternoon we were told that schools would be closed for the next 2 weeks. Those first couple of weeks were fine because we knew this was just to "slow the curve". We laughed at phrases such as "social distancing" and "mask up". We wondered how in the world people were going to be distanced? We scoffed at stores making aisles one way...and to be honest I still scoff at that one. Let's not forget that people turned into toilet paper hoarders and left the rest of us hoping we wouldn't have to resort to Kleenex. 

After the first week, the governor decided to shut the state down for the next 2 or 3 weeks, thus beginning the "stay at home order". How strange to hear that only one person in your family should go into a store. Masks were encouraged (and there was no way in heck I was donning one of those), restaurants closed down, small businesses had to close, and playgrounds were closed off with caution tape and snow fencing. 

I never expected this to be something that continued for months on end. My birthday was in "quarantine", and I missed my trip to California. My preschoolers didn't get a proper ending to their school year (although I was thankfully able to give them a graduation). Daniel didn't get to finish 2nd grade or say goodbye to his school and friends. Schools didn't reopen in August like we all thought would happen (because Covid would be gone by then). Mask wearing became the norm. To this day I still don't like it, but I will respect the signs on doors and wear them when required. 

While I can say this this past year has sucked in so many ways, I suppose some good came out of it. It showed me that I really do have strength. I was stuck. Feeling trapped. I was scared and uncertain. Not because of a fear of a virus, but because it forced us into being home. It helped me gather the courage to say, "I can't do this anymore. Something has to change." I took control of my life, and started over. It was scary, but thrilling. I don't know if I would have had the courage had I not been forced into a situation I had no control over.

I was dreading March 13th. Even last week, it felt like this impending doom. As I've sat and reflected this week though, I'm looking at tomorrow with hope. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that things are going to change for the better. Slowly, but surely we are getting there.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my thoughts on moving forward and not living in fear!