I've been wanting to write this for awhile, but I haven't been sure where to start, or how it would be received. I want to get my own feelings unapologetically written down, while also being mindful of others. Out of respect, I will not be using names.
Back in June, I began a second job at DMCC. (The church where I teach preschool) It was a job that had been brought up to me a few times over a one year span. I initially declined it. Then, I decided maybe I should consider it, but things happened. Life happened. Divorce happened. A dang pandemic happened. So, I once again put it on the back burner. It never fully left my mind though. It was always just kind of lingering in the background.
The job was just being created. It was essentially to do outreach for the church and focus on the younger generation (kids-40ish). I really went back and forth a lot. Mainly because I had a church home, and I really didn't know how DMCC would take it if I was doing this particular job, but attending and actively involved in another church within the community. Pastor Bill was okay with that, and thought the church would be as well.
Earlier this year I really started feeling God nudging me more toward this job, but I was still unsure. I even emailed my own pastor and his wife for advice. They said they would love to meet and would set up a time to do so, but that never happened. Yes, I could have taken the initiative to set something up, but that next Sunday, the pastor preached on using our gifts to serve others. I had this peace wash over me. I COULD use my gifts in both churches to serve God and his people. It shouldn't matter where you are going, as long as God is the forefront. I let Pastor Bill know that I was ready to move forward. The next step was to meet with the Personnel Committee. They had questions and concerns...and one was about the 2 churches. I explained my thoughts and they were okay with it, and decided that if I wanted the job, that it could move to the board for a vote. I was voted in near the end of May and began my job on June 7th.
I let my own pastor know by email the decision that I had made in May. I never got a response, but continued on at Calvary. I was singing in worship team (something that truly made me happy and helped me really connect with God). I was attending other events. I was presented a gift for volunteering at the church. I was greeted by the leadership as I always had been.
Calvary was my "home" for 6 years. It was the first time I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be. I made friends. I loved to worship each Sunday. I was growing.
It wasn't until the end of June that I got burned. I didn't even see it coming. Someone on staff contacted me about the job I took. Asked me questions. My brain wasn't even processing everything that was being asked and I don't even know what I was saying in return. When I get put on the spot it's like my brain turns to mush and I have an out of body experience. I tried to explain the position, but with it being new, it was hard to fully describe what I was doing.
I do remember a few of the things that were said to me. I was told that it was "weird" several times, that I was working for one church while going to another. I was told that while I wasn't being told that I needed to step down from worship team, that it didn't "sit right" that I was up in front of Calvary on Sunday mornings and doing outreach somewhere else. I was told that the church I'm working for has way different beliefs than Calvary, which also was weird and didn't sit right. (The church is far more traditional and there are a few things done differently...but both churches believe in God, baptism by immersion etc,).
And my favorite analogy was when I was informed that I was "dating two churches" and that seemed wrong. I of course acted fine on the phone because that's just me.
As soon as I hung up, my brain caught up, and I burst into tears. I felt so deflated. My spirt was completely crushed. I do better with words when I write, so after crying all day, I composed another email to the pastor and his wife. I explained in detail, my feelings. How hurt I felt. How I didn't understand why nothing was said to me until that point. I let him know that I was stepping down from worship team effective immediately and really didn't think I would be back at Calvary after that.
His reply was basically that he'd rather speak in person...something I was not comfortable with. I felt like I would be headed into the lion's den with the other leadership being present as well. He said he'd like to discuss this, and didn't want to see me go. But, how could I continue to go to a church where I wouldn't be welcomed to serve? I was made to feel that I did something wrong. I did send one more reply, to which I never received a response.
I've spend the summer going through a range of emotions. Deep hurt. Anger. Greif. I have missed it.
Last night I attended a wedding there. It was my first time back in the building. It didn't feel like "home" anymore. It wasn't bad by any means, but it just didn't feel right. I was happy to see some people that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice to get hugs. Some people said hello. I have no idea who even knows I've been gone, honestly. No one reached out to me. I told a couple closer friends what was going on. They were amazing to me and still are. One thing that struck me was that 2 people told me (one former member and one current) that Calvary doesn't interact with other churches. I realized that was true...so it made more sense to me why things happened the way they did.
For the most part, I truly just miss the people. The ones who prayed with me. Did Life Group with me. Who loved me and the boys. Who supported me through a divorce. Who were there through many of life's ups and downs. I'll always be thankful for the years I had there and the people who positively influenced my life and those to continue to do so. I don't hold ill feelings toward the church in general, I love so many people there. I just wish things had panned out differently.
But, at the same time, I do believe everything happens for a reason. God already knew what was going to happen. I'm enjoying the work I've started doing at DMCC. I'm learning to come out of my shell a bit more. I've taken a church hiatus for the time being. I do watch services online sometimes, but sometimes it takes a while to heal. I am thankful for DMCC for welcoming me with open arms and for the people I have met there as well. Hopefully I will be able to continue to serve there and with the help of God, see the church begin to grow.
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