I'm Getting a "New" Spine!

If you would have asked me just a few years ago if I would ever consider having a spinal fusion, I would have told you absolutely not. I know I write about my back a lot, but it's because it's a big part of my life. 

If you're new to this, then let me give you a little review. I was diagnosed with scoliosis around the age of 12 I would guess. I had to be fitted for a back brace to try and stop the curvature as I continued to grow. This was horrifying to me. Those braces were big and bulky, and I was at the most awkward stage of my life. Middle school. I had to wear it almost 24 hours a day. Sleeping sucked. I definitely had nights that I would wake up and take it off without my mom knowing. It was uncomfortable, made me sweat and made me extremely self-conscious. Looking back, I don't think anyone cared that I was wearing a brace, and some kids probably didn't even know, but in my head everyone was making fun of me and whispering about me. 

Skip ahead, and I finally stopped growing, so I didn't have to wear the brace anymore. Freedom! Scoliosis never caused me any pain...which was probably another reason I hated the brace. I didn't see why I needed to wear it, if my back didn't even hurt. I was given the option of surgery back then, and I can remember sobbing at the kitchen table explaining all the reasons why I didn't want it to my mom. I was in what the doctor called the "gray area". I didn't need to have it, but I could get it. In the end, I got my way. I don't necessarily regret it because I feel like I had valid reasons.

In my early 20's I had minimal pain. More like a pinched nerve here and there, but nothing bad.

By my late 20's and 2 kids later the pain was starting to show up more frequently.

I can't really pinpoint when in my early 30's that the pain set in, and it just never went away. I saw an orthopedic doctor when James was 2. He pretty rudely informed me that the only thing that was going to fix me was surgery. There was just no way. A. I was terrified. B. I had 2 young children that I took care of daily. I couldn't do it. I remember going to my car and just breaking down and trying to accept that this was my life now. Constant pain. He wouldn't even consider any medications.

I didn't even try to see another orthopedic doctor until 3 years ago. That's when I met my current doctor. He has been so amazing to me. Never has pressured me. He explains things clearly and actually cares about my well being. 

Last summer I finally decided that I was ready for surgery. As my doctor told me 3 years ago, "You will know when and if you're ready. The surgery is major and usually happens when you feel like your quality of life is declining." 

Last week I finally had the appointment I had been waiting for. I got my surgery date! I had invited my mom to come along because she will be the one taking care of me for a few weeks afterward and I wanted her to meet my doctor since he will be performing the surgery. I had a list of probably 12 questions and my mom had a small list as well. He sat and answered every single one oy them.

The recovery will be brutal. Especially the first week or two. The first few months I can't bend or twist as my spine fuses together. I will have to learn new ways of doing things. There's even a specific way they teach you how to get out of bed called "the log roll". My surgery is scheduled for the day after school gets out. When I tell people this they think I'm crazy because I won't have fun summer break. My focus is recovering, so I'm well enough to get right back to work in August...which he said is doable. 

The surgery itself will be around 5 to 6 hours. Rods and screws will be placed in a large portion of my spine. Likely from about T2-L2. This will all be decided after my next MRI. Bone grafts will be placed between the vertebrae.to help fuse the whole spine together in those areas. He will maneuver my spine to get it as straight as possible. It likely will still have a curve, but not nearly like it is now. It all depends on how arthritic my bones have become. 

I'm not scared of the surgery itself. I am worried about the pain and recovery, but he told me that they will make sure I have the "good stuff". I'll be in the hospital a few days and then be able to recover at home. After about 6 weeks, once the incision is healed, I will be able to start PT. I could have hugged my doctor when I asked about the bone graft, and he said they don't take it from the hip anymore. I had a previous surgery on my foot, where a graft was taken from my hip and it still hurts from time to time.

This surgery will be life changing. Hopefully life changing in a good way! My nerve pain should go away (although I've read it's common for other nerves to get messed up, so lets hope not). Hopefully it will help my acid reflux. I'm hoping my rib pain lessens as well. I just want to be able to do things without thinking, "How badly am I going to hurt after this?" I took a 2 mile walk yesterday and have been hurting all day today. 

Life will never be the same in certain ways. I will never bend like I do now. I will have to learn to bend at the hip. No more slouching, even if I want to. There may be a few things I won't ever be able to do, but for the most part I should be able to do quite a bit. I'm a little worried about things like cleaning the litter box, shaving my legs and cutting my toe nails...but then I remember that we as humans can really learn to adapt to anything.

My biggest goal in all of this is to stay positive. I told my doctor that I've heard that a positive attitude can help you heal more quickly. He said that's true. I know there will be days in the beginning that will be HARD and I know I'll cry and be frustrated, but I also know that I've got God on my side and He will help me through. After that, it's full steam ahead with getting better...well maybe not full steam. I don't think I'm supposed to push myself super hard. Plus I will have my mom here for awhile. And I know when she leaves I have friends here that will help me too. Let me know if you like cutting toe nails...because I'm gonna need help!

96 days until my spine doesn't look like this anymore!

Worthy of Good

Sometimes new beginnings can be a good thing. It's been awhile since I've written, but maybe I'll get back into again a little more this year.

I was very thankful for the beginning of a new year. It's not that last year was particularly awful. It had it's good moments and not so good ones just like any year. By the time you reach the end though, it's kind of nice to "wipe the slate clean" and start out fresh.

Some people spend New Year's Eve out partying. That has never been my thing. Others stay up to ring in the new year at home. That was once me. The me before children. How did I spend mine? I was hoping with a couple of friends of mine but that didn't work out. I ended up eating a dinner for one out of a Styrofoam container while crying. Then binge eating every crappy food that I could fit into my stomach while watching Top Gun Maverick. Oh, but that's not all my friends. Then I had a giant emotional breakdown and cried until I had no more tears left. My mom messaged me and asked if I was going to go to Calvary the next morning? She knew I had been thinking about it. I told her "maybe". She encouraged me to go, and then I promptly fell asleep at 10pm.

Pretty depressing.

As weird as it seems though, I'm glad that I broke down. I'm glad that I cried my eyes out. I'm glad that in my saddest moment I decided to do something I hadn't done in awhile. I opened my Bible app and started a new devotional reading.

Last Sunday I got up and got myself ready for church. I texted a couple of good friends and told them to pray for me because I was nervous. It took me a few minutes of sitting in my van contemplating what I was about to do, before taking a deep breath and walking into Calvary. I didn't think people would be unwelcoming, but I still wasn't sure how I would be received. I purposely got there close to service time, so I could just sit back and slowly take things in. We weren't even halfway through the 2nd song and I was smiling. After the service I was greeted with open arms from so many people. I had missed those people so much more than I had let myself realize.

This week I was excited to go back. Not only would the boys be able to come with me, but one of my best friends who also used to go joined me this time. She calls me her "Emotional Support Person". I once again felt the love of others, and I watched as people greeted her with open arms just as I had been. 

God has always used music to speak to me...when I'm willing to listen. That's why I always loved singing on worship team there. Today we sang a song that I love, but I REALLY heard the words. Here I was singing, and in true Rachel fashion, sweating and fanning myself with a bulletin. Yet, as we sang these words my entire body was covered in goosebumps. Naturally I've been listening to it on repeat the entire day.

The sermon was just what I needed to hear and we were reminded that each one of us is worthy of good our lives. 

A conversation with Daniel is what brought up the topic of Calvary a couple of weeks ago. It all started with talking about Taylorville and how he loves it. I told him that I hated it when I first moved here in 2009. Then I got used to it but I still didn't love it. He asked me when I decided that I did love it? I said, "When I started going to Calvary. That's when I finally felt like Taylorville was my "home"." He said, "Well...why don't we go back there? I miss it." I'm so glad we had that conversation because these past 2 weeks I've felt "home" again. 

I am home. I am worthy of good. And I will sing of the goodness of God.

Happy 11th, Daniel!

 Dear Daniel, 

Another year has gone by, and here you are turning 11 years old. It's starting to make me a little sad. You're growing up quickly now. They say the years go fast, but it doesn't always feel that way, until one day you realize that your baby is now only 6 inches shorter than you. (I'm hoping I grow a couple of inches next year with my surgery, so maybe when I write next year's letter you'll still only be 6 inches shorter than me). 

I think 10 was a good year for you for the most part.

You were very excited to learn that we were going to adopt a kitten last December. We went to the shelter to meet her, and it was love at first sight. We wished we could have taken her home with us that day, but she had to stay until after the new year. Her shelter name was Winnie, and I was thinking about changing it. You helped me change my mind though, and we kept it. You two have formed a very sweet bond, and she truly loves you. You're the only one who can get her to jump like a ninja cat, and she is always happy to see you. (Minus that one time she figured out how to hiss and started to hiss at you!). 

We also had fun taking a weekend getaway to St. Louis last December. We got to stay at a hotel, see the lights at the zoo, go to the aquarium, science center and ride the Ferris Wheel at Union Station. 

In January we finally had a decent size snow, and I had failed you as a mother up until this point in your life. I had never taken you sledding! I went and bought 2 saucers and took you and James out to the lake. As it turned out, you loved it and James hated it. It was also beyond freezing, but we made it almost an hour. I know you're hoping for more snow this winter so you can go again.

Over spring break we did some fun activities. We went to an Easter egg hunt, and of course you found money in one of your eggs, because when it comes to winning things, you're always the lucky one. We also went mini golfing at Knight's and had our own egg hunt at home too. We were supposed to go to a Cardinals game, but we got rained out. Thankfully, we got to go a few weeks later and watch them win!

Over the summer you had 2 trips to Iowa. The first trip you and James got to spend a week alone at Mimi and Pa's while I went to Colorado to visit Aunt Erica. We came back again a few weeks later for the Smith Family Reunion. 2 days of craziness with lots and lots of family members. You enjoyed some of the activities and really seemed to enjoy helping put together the puzzle of your Great Grandma and Grandpa Smith with Aunt Donna, and playing "Smith-O". The family version of BINGO. It was at the reunion that I realized that you are a bit of an introvert like your mama. The last night, you were eating your supper at a table all alone. I came over to see if you were okay and you said, "Yeah. It's just too peopley" I knew EXACTLY what you meant.

You also got your alto saxophone at the beginning of summer. We still laugh because the tag that came attached to your case says, "Daruel Elam". How they messed that up, I will never know.

You were able to attend one week of band camp and then practiced here and there during the summer. 

In August we did a quick trip to Great Mimi T's house in Chariton right before school started. 

Dad took you and James to another Cardinals game as an early birthday present and what a gift you got! You saw Albert Pujols hit home run #698!

In Taylorville you move to the Jr. High in 5th grade. It just doesn't seem right! You're still an elementary kid in my book, but 5th grade is separate from the older kids and you don't move classes yet. You were pretty bummed though because you had to miss your first day of school. You were at the tail end of  Covid- Round 2. 

So far you seem to love 5th grade. You're a straight A student. (Big surprise there). You are loving band, and were more advanced than the other kids in your group, so now you're in a class that's further ahead.  Once you realized that practicing was graded, you have been great about practicing at home. Sometimes it can be a little annoying, but honestly, I usually love listening to you play. If you keep practicing, you're going to do amazing things!

You also came home one day and told me you were applying for student council. So many 5th graders wanted in that they decided those selected would only get to serve half of the year. You are the first half, so you only have 1 meeting left. I hope you decide to try again in 6th grade, because I love seeing you involved in your school. 

Our fall has consisted of pumpkin patches, driving around to look at leaves, visiting Aikman Wildlife Adventure with Mimi and Pa and celebrating Halloween. I had to rectify another mom fail. Never in your almost 11 years of life had I taken you trick-or-treating. We've gone to trunk-or-treats. TONS of them. You guys had never been door to door through a neighborhood though, and that was your one request. It was a bit rainy that evening, but you 2 had a blast and I loved seeing the happiness on your faces...especially when you got full size candy bars at some houses. 

You have done a lot of growing this year. Both physically and emotionally. At last check, you were 5'2.5"! You are becoming more mature...but trust me, you still do things daily that make me question my sanity. You have become such great help to me though. You have taken on litter duty, you carry the groceries in, carry bins in and out of the house for me when I decide I need to decorate for the next season or holiday, and you pick up the slack for your brother more times than you should really have to. I figured it was probably time to start giving you a small allowance. It's not much, but you seem very grateful for it.

I am very proud to call you my son and I can't wait to see what year 11 brings you!

I love you more than words can say.

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday, James Michael!

 Dear James,

I can't believe it's time for me to sit down and write you your birthday letter again. Sometimes the days feel long, but the year always flies by. I am actually writing this the night before your birthday. 8 years ago tonight, I went to bed and had no idea that I would wake up at 4am and be welcoming you into the world just 4 hours later! That's you though. You've always done your own thing, even when it drives me crazy.

I hope that 7 has been a good year for you. You have had your ups and downs, but you know what? That will never change. No matter how old you get, there will be good times and bad each and every year. You are definitely my stubborn child, and it's been the year of getting your Kindle taken away over and over because you get mad or sassy with me. You like to test my patience a lot, and I know that I have yelled and taken things away, but one day you'll realize that I did you a favor by teaching you how to follow rules and how to behave. 

Enough on that though. Each year is also filled with happy memories, and I love to make memories with you boys Let's remember some of the fun things you did when you were 7!

In December one of our advent calendar activities was an overnight trip to St. Louis jam packed with fun. We stayed in a hotel, went to see the Christmas lights at the zoo, and went to the aquarium. You guys loved it, and so did I! The funny thing to me though are the 2 things you still talk about aren't any of those things. You always talk about how funny it was that the GPS tried to take us to the airport terminal to go to Chili's. (and that I actually ended up in the airport lot before I realized what was happening). And the fact that we didn't end up actually eating supper until almost 9:00 that night, and we ended up at Olive Garden where you downed probably 5 breadsticks. 

I also surprised you and your brother by taking you to the animal shelter to meet a kitty that I found online. It was love at first sight. We got to play with Winnie that day and filled out the adoption papers. We had to wait a week and a half before we could bring her home, but we did go back to visit her again. She fit right into our family and you have absolutely loved her (even though you've also tortured her a little too by getting all up in her business.)

You continued to excel in school and even got moved up to 2nd grade for reading a couple days a week. You also got Student of the Month!

In May, you got to go to your very first Cardinals game. It was so much fun. You had a slice of pizza bigger than your head. You REALLY wanted the whole crowd to do "the wave" even though you didn't fully know what it was. We saw one homerun in the first inning and then nothing the next 8...but the Cardinals won, which meant you became a good luck charm!

This summer you and Daniel got to spend a week in Iowa with Mimi and Pa while I went to spend time with Aunt Erica, Katie and Leo. Then we came back to Iowa a few weeks later for the 4th of July and the Smith Family Reunion. You got to meet your cousin Leo for the very first time and enjoyed playing with Katie (or Minnow as she liked to be called). Then you got to meet a lot of family you had never met before at the reunion. Your favorite activity was "SMITH-0", which was our family version of Bingo. You still talk about it.

We also took a very quick trip to Chariton to visit Great Mimi T, who turned 91 this year!

In August you started 2nd grade. You really wanted Mrs. Cope, and that's who you got. You have absolutely loved 2nd grade so far. This is your first year of totally normal school ever. No virtual learning, no masks, no social distancing. Real school! The way it was meant to be. You have already achieved getting Student of the Month again this school year. That makes me a proud mama.

You went to another Cardinals game with your dad as an early birthday present and you saw Albert Pujols hit his 698th homerun! I was SO excited for you (and a little jealous too!). What an amazing memory for you and Daniel.

This year I worked at Indian Knoll, but we still managed to visit a couple of other pumpkin patches. We went to Pumpkin Creek Farm and then to Rader Family Farm, which has now been declared a favorite. That day was almost perfect. I'm glad you like going to patches with me. I'll probably drag you along until you're 18.

You are still extremely picky when it comes to food...which could be a slight blessing after finding out you have several food allergies and not just peanuts. It still drives me crazy...but you have added a couple new foods to your small list of acceptable things to eat. Maybe one day you'll find even more.

I'm sure I left out a lot, but those are the things that stood out the most.

I hope you always know how much I love and care for you. I'm very thankful that God chose you to be my little boy.

Happy 8th Birthday!

Love,
Mom

A Newfound Hope

It's been a week and a half since I wrote about the potential of having a spinal fusion next year. A week and a half of time for me to do more research and really think on it. As long as my insurance approves everything, my decision is made. I'm doing it. It's time. How do I know? Because on and off for probably 22 years whenever surgery was mentioned I was hell bent on saying no. I was terrified. If you tried to convince me to do it, I would argue back. It. Was. NOT. Happening. 
Now though? Now I'm at peace. Of course there are risks and I know there can be complications. I know it will be far from a cakewalk to recover from it. I'm not scared though. Hello! Girl with epic anxiety here, and I'm not scared! That's how at peace I feel about it. Granted, the surgery is a good 10 months away, and I know anxieties will creep in. I may get nervous and scared at some point, but this is huge for me.

It's not the surgery itself that even makes me all that nervous (although having someone drill into your vertebrae isn't necessarily something you want someone doing to you), because I'll be out. I'll have no memory of being under for 8+ hours. The recovery is what has hung me up even more in the past. A week in the hospital, 3 months of major recovery and up to a year or more to feel fully recovered. Plus there's a risk of nerve damage so I may have some numb or new areas with shooting pains until they heal (which can take a year or two). 

All that said, the risk is worth it because I've tried everything else and I'd rather take the chance that I'll have less daily pain than I have now. 

I think the key to a successful healing is going to be following the doctor's orders completely (and not pushing myself to do more like I generally do), and to stay positive. I know it won't be easy, but I think a good attitude can help you have an easier recovery.

I have realized that my daily quality of life is not what it used to be. I complain so much more than I used to about it. It affects the activities that I do. I don't even think I can bowl anymore without wrenching it pretty badly. Just walking hurts. I'll still push myself to walk some days, but I've been in more pain since going to the Dells because we walked 10k+ steps each day. Inclines really get me. Not sure why, but it's not fun.

I've started waking up each day and thinking, "A year from now I should be recovering and hopefully starting to find some relief." I realized that for once I am feeling something I haven't felt in a really long time. Hope.

I'm dreaming of the things I could do if the surgery goes well and I have good results from it. 

Things like:

• walking more than a mile without sharp stabbing pains
• going back to the Rocky Mountains with my sister and going on long hikes
• carrying in my groceries without pain
• standing in a line or just standing up for longer periods of time without fighting the pain and wanting to burst into tears
• running a 5k. You read that right. Maybe pain free Rachel would actually like to run. Probably not, but I wouldn't know. Just one. That's all I want to do to prove to myself I could do it.
• going a day without saying, "OW! My back and hips are KILLING me"
• going on the Amazing Race (okay...maybe not, but I've always wanted too, and I knew my back would stop me.) It's fun to dream. And let's face it...I'd probably roll my ankle within the first 5 minutes of filming anyway.

I just really pray that this surgery will make life even better.