What 36 Taught Me

36 was a weird but liberating year for me. It didn't start out great. The state was still in the thick of the "Stay at Home Order". Everything was closed down, and I didn't get to even go out to eat on my birthday. Thankfully I have some great people in my life who helped make that day feel extra special.

I've done a lot of evolving in the past year and have been discovering things along the way.

36 taught me that:

• I am strong. Even when I have doubted it. Even when I have spent days crying my eyes out. I rise back up and keep on going. 
• It's never too late to start over, and more importantly, it's OKAY to start over. I had to use a lot of my strength to come to terms with this. It was years in the making. It's okay to leave a situation that is affecting your mental and even physical health.
• I need to set boundaries and I need to stand up for things that I believe in. A friend of mine says, "Speak your truth", and it has really stuck with me. It's something that I need to work on. It's not easy...and I totally wimp out most of the time, but I will say that the times I've been brave enough to do it leaves me feeling proud and accomplished.
• It's okay to accept and ask for help sometimes. That's another thing that doesn't come easily for me, but it's a work in progress.
• Sometimes things don't go as you plan. (Okay...I didn't just learn that). As disheartening as that is though, it usually means that it's not God's plan or not quite His timing. As another friend says, "When things don't go the way we want them to, you have to pull up your bootstraps and press on".
• Home-schooling (aka distance learning) is NOT for me.
• Sometimes all I really need is a full gas tank and some great music to sing along to. Drives do my soul good.
• Self-care is important...and it's okay to go on vacation without your kids so you can actually relax.

I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. It was a roller coaster year of life. I'm talking days where I was beyond happy and days where I cried so many tears I literally dehydrated myself and made myself sick. I made it though! 

Here's to 37! Another year of highs and lows, but I've got this. (With God's help!) Bring on the new opportunities and new memories.

 

Things I Learned in Florida

 

1.Never, I repeat NEVER pack $3 flip flops from WalMart that you've never worn before. Or you might end up limping into a souvenir shop and buying new ones that won't pinch and give you blisters on your very first night.

2. If your sister the marathon runner says we should walk somewhere and it's "not far"...it IS far. You may also end up with a blister the size of a half dollar on the bottom of your foot.

3. My sister is a cheapskate who didn't want to rent beach chairs. Granted, I didn't either, but our attempt to buy cheaper ones to just leave behind, failed. Yolo.

4. Don't fret over every single thing that costs money. Sometimes the adventure is totally worth it. Going parasailing was the best experience, and who knows if and when I'll get the chance to do it again.

5. I am a TERRIBLE decision maker. Okay. I already knew that. It's not that I make bad decisions. I just can't make up my mind on things...and apparently that really annoys my sister. I should probably work on that.

6. I'm also a poor navigational person. It made for some funny and/or frustrating moments, but I hate driving in new places, so thankfully Kendra was game. 

7. Kendra can be a scary driver. Let us never forget the orange cones she forcefully backed us into at Disney while I yelled, "Be careful!"

8. It turns out that not only am I allergic to hospital grade adhesive, I'm also allergic to the adhesive in the blister band-aids I bought. I may or may not have tossed money at Kendra and made her go in the gas station to get me Benadryl while I furiously sat scratching my feet in the car.

 9. Disney IS the happiest place on earth if you travel with the right person. I can't wait to do it again someday. Also...I stand by my opinion that I never want to take young kids there.

10. I LOVE the ocean. I knew that already, but I kind of forgot. It was so peaceful (when the construction next door was done for the day!). Walking in the sand and walking out into the water are the best feelings.

11. 3498359 facts about Disney. We may have nerded out the night before Disney and sat up for hours reading each other various facts and trivia about Disney. And then we may have continued the obsession for the rest of our trip.

12. Don't shop on Disney property...I mean, unless you've got all the money. We had way more funny going to souvenir shops in Orlando to shop and save money!

13. No matter how old we get, sisters will always get irritated with each other and smack the other one at least once or twice.

14. Be spontaneous! If there's an awesome full moon over the ocean and it's 11:30pm, who cares? Go down to the beach and enjoy it!

15. I still really love to read. I just struggle to focus at home. Therefore, I should probably just win the lottery and sit and read on the beach for the rest of my life.

A Journey to Finding Myself

If you remember, my word this year is "Self". As in self-care, self-love, and self-worth. This past week was all about that for me. Taking a one week beach vacation with my sister was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself.

Confession. When I was in my early 20's and working in daycare, I totally judged the parents who went on vacations without their kids. I had no kids. I wanted kids more than anything and to me that just didn't make sense. How could these people leave their children to go on a week long trip?

As a young mom, I still couldn't fathom it. The first time I left Daniel all day to go to Chicago, he was 7 months old and I SOBBED the entire day before because I was sure he and I would never make it without each other. I don't think I could have taken this trip up until this past year. The timing wasn't right. I wasn't ready to leave the boys for that long. I could only dream of alone time.

Last summer, Kendra and I were supposed to go to California, but had to cancel, so, I struck out on a mini adventure on my own to Hannibal in August. It was my first taste of adventure and finding myself.

I mentioned to a good friend of mine on the 2nd day of this trip that I kind of felt like I should be missing my kids more than I did. Don't think that I don't love them, because I absolutely do. I just knew that some people were probably reading my posts and thinking, "I can't believe she left her kids!" I knew my friend would understand, and her response really resonated deeply with me. She told me that, "Mom" is just one of the hats that I wear. It doesn't define me. It isn't the only thing that I am. I am my own person. I am allowed to crave this time for myself and it's okay for me to take care of me! I knew the boys were being well taken care of. We have the technology to video chat. They were great and even well behaved for my parents.   (Of course they started fighting more when I got back!)

What I'm realizing is that each one of us moms (and dads too) are our own person. What works for one may not work for another. I know some people who would never even think about doing what I did. I know others who frequently travel without kids. Kids and travel together stress me out. It's not relaxing in the least for me. I'll stick to day trips with the boys until they're old enough to appreciate a bigger trip. I might get adventurous this summer and do an overnight somewhere with them. I'm actually thinking about taking them to Hannibal to do Mark Twain Cave. I think they would love it.

I am so thankful I took the opportunity to do this for ME! I got quality time with my sister. I got to relax on the beach. I read a book without interruptions. I stood in the ocean and watched the waves. I went to Disney and didn't have to worry about complaining...except me when I was sweaty and "moist" and when Kendra had to pee every 15 minutes. I went parasailing...something I've wanted to do since I was 12 years old. 

This is only the beginning. I started a new chapter in my life 10 months ago, and finding myself along the way. Here's to so many more adventures!

Living in Hope, Not in Fear

Well, we did it. We survived a year living in a fear stricken world. I'll just preface this by saying that these are my own thoughts and opinions. I know we all have different views, and it's been abundantly clear that we are a nation divided. 

I will say, at the beginning of all of this, I had reservations and fears. So much was unknown. I was very concerned about my parents flying to Tennessee at this time last year. I watched as fear took hold of people far and wide. I can't explain why, but besides the initial uncertainty, my anxiety never went crazy. I accepted that I could get Covid (and still could), but I know that God is in control. I can't worry about  if I may or may not get sick. I didn't let it hold me back from seeing my family and friends. But, I have been respectful of the family and friends who weren't or still aren't ready to be around others. We all have our own level of comfort.

For myself, I am so thankful for those who I have been able to see consistently. I'm a hugger. I'm an introvert who still needs human touch. I've had a tribe of people that I know I can go to for a hug when I need one. You all have kept me strong. 

I am also beyond thankful for my church family. Calvary closed down in March and switched to online, like everyone else. By later in June, the doors reopened. From the very start (although with limited seating) they held 3 services instead of 2. One of those services required masks. The others were made optional. To be able to walk into a building with other people and not have a mask on my face was exactly what my heart needed. Daniel was to be baptized on Easter, but it was delayed until August. Eventually we went back to 2 services and online. We have a small mask section, but the rest of sanctuary and church is optional. "Air hugs" are encouraged, but honestly a lot of us hug because nothing beats human touch. 

In November we had a 2 or 3 week shutdown due to  some church staff getting Covid. The thing I respected the most was that despite HAVING Covid, our pastor still preached messages. 

Now here we are in March and it's time to move on. Another thing I love about my church is that Covid isn't mentioned a lot. It may come up in a sermon very briefly, but there is no fear mongering. There is no dwelling on it. It's not all doom and gloom. No one is telling you to put on a mask. It's refreshing. There is hope every week! First service is always completely full.  I'm sad I can't go tomorrow, but I can watch online still.

I fell down a rabbit hole this week and ended up messaging local churches and researching. More churches have gone to masks optional than not. Those who are requiring them seem to have lower attendance and are far more traditional, whereas the churches more open are the ones with people flooding in the doors and that are more contemporary. 

I said last night that I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Those who want to be vaccinated can and will be. Those who don't, like myself should be just as free to do what we want. It's time to open America again. It's time to start living life again. I'm ready to go into stores without a mask. I'm ready to stalk Garth Brooks across the USA again. I'm ready for the "new normal" to change into a newer and better normal. 

Again, I know that we all have our own thoughts and some will disagree with my last statement. I can tell you now that even within my own family there's a divide on opinions. 3 want to be or are vaccinated and 2 of us are not. But we all still love each other.

Here's to a brighter 2021. We made it a year. Now let's press on and live life to the fullest.

Reflections

It's been a few months since I've written. Tomorrow we hit the 1 year mark of life changing as we knew it. Up until that point it was all fun and games. We all went to work/school on March 13th, and by that afternoon we were told that schools would be closed for the next 2 weeks. Those first couple of weeks were fine because we knew this was just to "slow the curve". We laughed at phrases such as "social distancing" and "mask up". We wondered how in the world people were going to be distanced? We scoffed at stores making aisles one way...and to be honest I still scoff at that one. Let's not forget that people turned into toilet paper hoarders and left the rest of us hoping we wouldn't have to resort to Kleenex. 

After the first week, the governor decided to shut the state down for the next 2 or 3 weeks, thus beginning the "stay at home order". How strange to hear that only one person in your family should go into a store. Masks were encouraged (and there was no way in heck I was donning one of those), restaurants closed down, small businesses had to close, and playgrounds were closed off with caution tape and snow fencing. 

I never expected this to be something that continued for months on end. My birthday was in "quarantine", and I missed my trip to California. My preschoolers didn't get a proper ending to their school year (although I was thankfully able to give them a graduation). Daniel didn't get to finish 2nd grade or say goodbye to his school and friends. Schools didn't reopen in August like we all thought would happen (because Covid would be gone by then). Mask wearing became the norm. To this day I still don't like it, but I will respect the signs on doors and wear them when required. 

While I can say this this past year has sucked in so many ways, I suppose some good came out of it. It showed me that I really do have strength. I was stuck. Feeling trapped. I was scared and uncertain. Not because of a fear of a virus, but because it forced us into being home. It helped me gather the courage to say, "I can't do this anymore. Something has to change." I took control of my life, and started over. It was scary, but thrilling. I don't know if I would have had the courage had I not been forced into a situation I had no control over.

I was dreading March 13th. Even last week, it felt like this impending doom. As I've sat and reflected this week though, I'm looking at tomorrow with hope. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that things are going to change for the better. Slowly, but surely we are getting there.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my thoughts on moving forward and not living in fear!