Remembering Grandma S.

This is a hard post, but one that I have to write. I'm sure I'll cry as I write, which is therapeutic. I did the same thing almost 6 years ago when my grandpa passed away. Only this time, it's my grandma. It's a little after noon and I've been sitting with this news now for about 5 hours. It came as a complete shock. We're talking about the stubborn woman who overcame a massive stroke. Last night she went to the hospital as precaution. She had a fever and a cough. Tested negative for influenza, but they did find pneumonia. Pneumonia.The woman was tough as nails. She was going to be fine. A few days in the hospital and she'd be back to playing Bingo and sassing the nurses at her assisted living home.

When my mom's number came up this morning, I knew. I knew that she didn't get home until 2:30 this morning. I knew she'd be sleeping if everything were okay. I knew she wouldn't call me if it was something minor. I knew Grandma was gone. Yet, hearing the words come out of my mom's mouth was still a shock. I walked out to the kitchen, sat on the floor and cried while we talked. I had to call my sisters, which wasn't easy. Even as I sit here now, we've all been messaging each other throughout the day. There are still some close relatives who don't know yet, so I can't even post this until later, but I needed to write. My emotions are coming and going. I'm okay. Then I'm crying. Then I'm calm or in a fog. I had a good sob in the shower. I've laughed too.

Right now she's with God. She's with my Grandpa again. She can walk. She can use her paralyzed arm again. And she's probably trying to figure out when the next Bingo game is being held.

Memories with Grandma S. (in no particular order.)

1. Grandma LOVED to rearrange her living room. Like, seriously. Every time I was there she had either moved the whole living room set around, or she would move it while I was there. Same went for the bedrooms.

2. I loved to spend the night at their house, but especially on Wednesday nights in the summers because Grandma was an avid garage-saler and the big garage sale day in Cedar Rapids was Thursday. She'd have the paper all spread out and circled all the ones to hit up. Then grandpa would drive us around for what felt like hours and as we searched for treasure. My favorite thing she bought me was Twinkie Soap. Ha!

3. My favorite book at their house was "The Monster at the End of This Book" and she'd read it to me every time I was there.

4. I had 3 favorite games to play with her at their house and I always played them in a certain order. Tom and Jerry, Winnie the Pooh and then Candy Land. I always cheated at Winnie the Pooh, but she never called me on it. I thought I was being sneaky, but as I grew up I realized just how obvious I was!

5. Grandma is the reason I am terrified of big dolls or dolls that talk. She had a WIDE selection of just about every horror movie ever on cable. She'd tape them and then catalog all of her VHS tapes and I was allowed to watch whatever I wanted. Which is why I picked a movie called "Child's Play" when I was 5 years old. Who let's their grandchild watch a movie about a killer doll? My grandma, that's who! I also watched Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Gremlins (which was my favorite).

6. All food was allowed at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The more junk food they could shove in me the better. (I realize now that as awesome as I thought that was back then, it contributed to my years of being a binge eater). But, if you wanted a bowl of ice cream, you didn't get one scoop. You got heaping PILES of ice cream. She always bought ice cream and then stored it in Rubbermaid containers. Not sure why. Probably to prevent freezer burn. Regardless, one time she served me ice cream with plastic chunks because the container broke and she didn't realize it.

7. She also tried to kill me once by accidentally putting cayenne pepper on the deviled eggs she made me instead of paprika and blew up the macaroni on Christmas Day.

8. Other favorite foods that were ALWAYS in stock were: spaghetti oh's, chicken noodle soup, Reese's PB cups, Little Debbie cupcakes (Devil Squares to be exact...and if you don't eat those things without freezing them, you're not doing it right), Cap'n Crunch and Cheetos.

9. Grandma loved to watch the Chicago Bulls with Grandpa and Bing Bang Boom (wrestling). Whenever I spent the night I'd watch with them.

10. I always watched game shows with grandma. Supermarket Sweep, Shop til You Drop, Press Your Luck (or Whammy! as she called it) and of course Wheel of Fortune.

11. When I was little and Grandpa still worked at night, I'd sit up with grandma and watch Unsolved Mysteries with her. Robert Stack's voice still creeps me out, and I was really scared of aliens there for awhile!

12. I'll miss the ways she said things. "I need to get the clothes in the warsh!" "I'm mopping the floor in the keenchin".

13. Oh grandma in the kitchen. She loved to bake. She made huge batches of monster cookies in a giant turkey roasting pan. And she'd bang pots and pans around in the kitchen so much that it drove grandpa crazy. Sounds like that always remind me of her.

14. Halloween. Grandma always had a bag of candy waiting for us. Reese's, KitKats and Carefree Bubble Gum. She'd put them all in a Ziplock bag and we never had the heart to tell her that the gum flavor always seeped into the candy and made it taste gross. It also didn't stop us from still eating it.

15. I'll miss the way she could never get our names right on the first try. Er--, Ken---,Rachel!

16. She was like the spy of the neighborhood and had nicknames for people like, "Oogie, Dingbat and Loverboy.

17. After she had her stroke and was at West Ridge we went to see her. She wasn't talking well yet and pretty quiet. Mom was "bossing" her around and I whispered to grandma to slap mom the next time she got bossy. The smile that spread over her face was priceless.

18. She was a favorite resident at RidgeView. She had the nickname, "The General" and she sassed and joked with all of the staff.

19. I will always remember her laugh. It was more of a cackle and the greatest thing ever when she really got going.

20. The people of Cedar Rapids are now safe because that women ran over more people with shopping carts and her wheelchair than you could probably count.

21. I'll always remember digging through park trash cans with her because she took back all of the old pop cans to get her nickles!

22. Going to Bever Park together. We'd always go to the monkey house first and then the rest of the zoo. But, she ALWAYS let me go back to the monkey house again before we left. Grandpa would go sit in the car to wait and Grandma would take me back in to see them.

23. I'll miss her random outfits. Bright pants and shorts, bright flowery shirt. No bra. She was living the life, ya'll.

24. She loved her cat Sugar more than life.

25. One time Erica and I stole the wishbone from the turkey and weren't going to let Kendra try. Grandma chased us down the hallway about pounded on the bathroom door demanding that we be nice to Kendra.

Grandma S. wasn't your typical lovey dovey grandma that would dote all over you, but she was the best Grandma to me. She loved us and I know that she had fun spending time with us as kids. I'll forever cherish all of the memories I have with her and thank God for all of the years I got with her.

I love you and will miss you, Grandma. See you again one day!

Highs and Lows of 2017

2017 is officially over and now we start over fresh. A new canvas to make our mark on.

This past year had it's ups and downs just like every year. It wasn't awful. It wasn't the best year ever. None the less, we're left with its memories.

Let's start with the lows, to get those out of the way.

*We were hit with 2 or 3 rounds of the stomach flu over the course of the year. The worst of it seemed to rear its head in the middle of the night, which made for some awful nights for this mama.

*During one of the stomach bugs, we were supposed to go cheer Kendra on in her marathon in St. Louis. James and I were able to go, but for a shortened time. The marathon day was a disaster of epic proportions. Kendra's goal was to run a sub 4 marathon. She ended up taking over 5 hours, which still...is amazing because I would die after 1 mile, so I was super proud of her. In the meantime though, mom fell in a pothole and had a crater in her elbow. She woke me up to help her, and I passed out and hit my head on the closet door at the hotel. We watched Kendra at the halfway point and she was ready to quit. She hated me for a bit because I wouldn't let her quit. Mom ended up at urgent care for stitches. James was melting down because crumbs were on his fruit snacks. I had to walk from the middle of downtown with James, down to the arch to cheer on Kendra at the finish. On top of that we ended up having a bad supper experience. But we still laugh about all of it to this day!

*In April or May our sewer started backing up. The same lines that were replaced to the tune of $6000 2.5 years prior! I had to deal with plumbers. I had to make phone calls and stay on top of everything so that things would be repaired. Thankfully, we got it all done for free, but it still sucks to see your yard torn up again!

*The passing of Jacob's Grandma Sally. We were able to go and be with her and say goodbye, but it's never an easy thing.

*November 4th. One of the worst days ever. Nothing prepares you to get a call that your husband and one of your kids were involved in a car accident. Then as you're scrambling to find child care, you hear the sirens and know exactly where they're headed. Thankfully, everyone was okay. I will forever be thankful to God and to our car seat which helped Daniel walk away without a scratch.

Now onto the highs!

*We were challenged at church this past year to follow God's direction and take our "next steps", whatever those might be. I knew right away what my first 2 steps would be, but I felt like there was maybe more. My first step was to join Calvary. So one of the first Sundays of the new year I became a member of the church. That's the first time I've joined a church since 2001 when we joined Valley View in Cedar Rapids.
My second step was to get involved in the children's ministries. I talked with Carlos and ended up in a teaching position in the 4-5 year old room. Those kiddos are such blessings and I love each and every one of them.
My third step didn't come until September or October. For a long time I had a longing to sing on our worship team, but I was intimidated by the other amazing singers. Finally one Sunday, something Pastor Steve said in his message hit me and I knew that I was supposed to do this. I met with Steffan and tried out...which was scary for me! I've gotten to sing twice and loved it. Can't wait to do more this year!

*Getting to unexpectedly take Daniel to his first Cardinals game with Brenda. Due to a rain out, Jacob and Kent weren't able to go back the next day, so my amazing friend Leslie watched James all day so that we could take Daniel. We had such a fun time and made lots of memories!

*Going to my 2nd Garth Brooks concert. It was amazing. I went alone, but had such a great time. I still like to believe he waved back at me when I waved to him. Don't try to burst my bubble. You can't make me think any different!

*Watching Daniel graduate preschool and start kindergarten. Even if I bawled my eyes out at both milestones, I was very proud of him!

*Road trips to Iowa and a vacation in Indiana which included zoos, a children's museums, a visit with Great Mimi T. in Chariton, parks, rocket launches and just time with family.

*A friend that loaned me her van for 2 weeks after our's was totaled. A complete blessing since it would have been costly to rent a car for that long! And then finding a van to buy just when we needed it.

So, here's to a brand new year and brand new memories....which so far have included my kids trying to kill each other, and my mom starting to lose her mind. But, a high for me is that Kendra is folding my kid's clothes while I type this. :)

So Long November!

I made it! Well, almost. I blogged 27 times this month I believe.

I'm ready to put November behind for now. It was a month of ups and downs. It feels like ages ago that we celebrated James' birthday and that Daniel and Jacob were in a car accident. Celebrating Daniel's birthday and Thanksgiving in Iowa were both very fun too!

Today was just kind of a lazy day. Yesterday I did quite a bit, so today I chilled with James and did a few small things around the house. At lunch time he wouldn't finish his food and I told him no dessert. I went in the kitchen to wash the dishes and he started having a huge tantrum. I told him he could get down, but he didn't want too. I decided it was nap time right about then! He fell asleep really fast, which is odd, but I figured the crying had worn him out.

I woke him up to go get Daniel from school and he just kept laying there until I had to pick him up out of bed and carry him to the living room. I was singing along to the radio while we were driving and it seems awfully quiet. He was asleep again! WHAT!? That never happens.

Once we got home he curled up in the recliner and wouldn't let me take off his hat, coat or shoes. He eventually came over to snuggle with me and we got the hat off. Around 3:50 I told him I had to go to my appointment. He was upset but then seemed okay. I was writing a list quickly to grab some stuff at Walmart, when he comes into the dining room looking for me and I looked up just in time to see the puke flying. Puke on the carpet, his coat and his shoes! I got it cleaned up while Jacob helped James. Ran down to start laundry and then headed out the door for physical therapy!

Thank goodness the place I go for PT is literally 2 minutes from our house!

PT was good today. Did a lot of stretches and exercises to help strengthen. Had some heat therapy and then a bit of massage therapy. I was feeling pretty good when I left, although still some twinges of pain. Plus one of the exercises kept giving me charlie horses in my hip/leg.

I didn't get to Walmart until almost 5:30, but got what I needed...until I remember something else I needed and then forgot about. I'm on day 2 of my new eating habits. I finally bit the bullet and am trying something I swore I couldn't do. I'm going low carb. Not like, extreme Keto, but trying to see if it helps. Also, I started drinking green tea. It's actually not too bad! (I can only drink it cold though. Not a big fan of hot drinks).

Got home and took a shower because I felt gross. Got the boys to bed and then finished up working on the advent calendar. Let the fun (and probably stress because this is me we're talking about), begin!

Thought Provoking Questions

I couldn't think of anything in particular to write about tonight, so I looked up through provoking questions and figured this could be fun.



You're all going to laugh at me for this because you probably know what's coming. Make sure that your children and you yourself are properly restrained in the car. So many preventable deaths and injuries occur because people won't wear a seat belt or take the time to make sure that their child's car seat is installed properly and that they are restrained correctly.



To be 30 pounds lighter in the blink of an eye. Or a Blizzard from DQ, but that just seems counter productive.



Because we take people for granted. We put other priorities in front of them, and then one day they're gone and you wish that you had more time with them. I lost my grandpa 5 years ago and I think of him often. Little things will remind me of him.



I'm a Jesus loving, thoughtful, kindhearted (although sometimes sarcastic and sassy), socially awkward kinda girl.



Oh heck no! I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming up and countdown to fun events. If I knew when I was going to die, that's all I would think about. I'd worry I wouldn't get everything done in time. Ha!



I honestly don't know. I think I'd have to be placed in that situation to know. For my kids though? I'd save them without a doubt.



Normally I'd say that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...and that's still true. But more than that, rather than searching, I'm waiting. Waiting for God to show me where He can use me the most.



Food. Specifically, all the bad ones that I put into my body on a daily basis.



Speak up!

A Fresh Start

If I type it here, it has to be true, right?

I battle with binge eating. I love me some carbs and sugar and when I slack off from a diet or exercise, I immediately start eating. It gets worse and worse until I hit my breaking point and start all over again.

It's a vicious cycle, and I joke about it to cope. I know it seems easy enough. Just don't eat. But it's a true addiction and unlike alcohol or drugs, there's no way to just NOT eat. Yes. I can eat healthier, but as soon as I see that "bad" food tempting me I want it.

I lie to myself when I binge. I tell myself that I'll start over tomorrow...for 4 months straight.
I say that I'll only have a handful of peanut butter M&M's, but I'll eat half a bag. Ice cream? Yeah, I could sit and eat that all day every day. I'll tell myself I don't need to get on the scale because if I don't, I don't have to fully face the reality that I'm gaining weight. I "wonder" why my clothes don't fit? Surely they just shrunk. Every single piece shrunk...that seems legit, right?

Well, tonight was the night. I was feeling grotesque after chowing down pizza tonight and probably consuming a billion calories, so I faced the music and stepped on the scale. Nothing can prepare you to look down and see the biggest number you've ever weighed. Especially when just 8 months ago you were 20 lbs lighter. I gained over 20 flipping pounds. I guess my theory on my clothes shrinking has been proven wrong.

I literally do this every year. I am a classic yo-yo dieter. If you look at My Fitness Pal, my weight looks like someone climbing up and down mountains for the past several years.

I think it's harder for me to lose weight now than before and that plays a part of why I eat. I eat for comfort. If the weight doesn't move, then I want to eat. I eat because it's something "cheap" I can do for satisfaction. (Although, to be honest it's not all that cheap when you're constantly buying it).

In my 20's I could drop 10 pounds in a few weeks. Now, I'm lucky to lose 1 or 2 and keep it off.  It could be a mix of anything. Mostly just my stupidity, but hormones change after having kids. My metabolism is slow. My anxiety meds and birth control could also be adding to weight gain. If I could quit either to see, I would...but it wouldn't be wise.

So...what do I do? How do I motivate myself to do this AGAIN?

Things I've tried in the past include:
Green tea extract in pill form
Hydroxycut (Yeah...I had to try)
Low calorie diet/ counting calories
Positive and encouraging notes to myself around the house.
Reading verses and devotions about it.
Slim Fast
Exercise: weights, bike, swimming, walking

You guys. I get so bored. Why is exercise and healthy eating so addictive to other people and not me? I HATE sweating. Like I have barely any tolerance for it. I'm a super picky eater, so when other people are all, "Yum! Carrots!" "Ooohhh! A kale shake!" Yeah. That makes me want to curl up and die.

My life is basically all carbs. I have to cut back, but reading the lists of food I can eat gives me like 5 foods. (okay...more than that, but not a lot). I get sick of health foods, but for some reason I can eat pizza or tacos every day for weeks on end.

I dislike cooking, so if I can't toss it all in a pan or something and call it a day it probably won't be healthy.

What has worked for you? I know I need to cut back on eating by a ton. I know I need exercise and do plan to get in the pool again within the next couple of weeks depending on how my PT goes and once I get a new swimsuit (Merry Christmas to me!) because we all know there's no way I'm going to squeeze myself into my old suit.

Here's to sticking to this and somehow making it through the Christmas season without over doing it. My mom is starting over too. The weekend of my birthday in April my sisters will both be home and mom wants family pictures taken. I have exactly 5 months from today until my birthday...and need to lose about 30lbs to be comfortable with myself.

Hit me up with your best tips. And just as a disclaimer...ain't no way I'm buying diet crap from a consultant.