"I'm Fine"

I found this picture the other night, and it really resonated with me. I know that I can sound like a broken record at times, and honestly I kind of feel like one. Someone who doesn't deal with chronic pain probably can't always comprehend what every day pain is like. I have what I refer to as "normal pain" and then "higher pain or flare ups" There's never a day when I wake up and feel no pain at all. The closest I got was last year when I got the epidural injections in my back. They worked for about 2 days, and I felt like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka for those 2 glorious days when I got up in the morning. 

During the low pain days and weeks I really don't say much, but on the days when it's worse, it's hard to not complain. I do it more online than face to face though. It's given me a deeper empathy for others who struggle, and I always remind myself at the end of the day, that there is always someone far worse off than me surviving, so I can do it too.

Back to the picture I mentioned:

I can relate to each of those bullet points. My go to answer is always, "I'm fine!" or "Oh, I'm hanging in there!". I thought I'd share my thoughts on all the bullets though, and what goes on in my own mind,

• I'm having a good pain day
• On days like that, it's just the normal pain, so I really am "fine"
• I'm pretending to feel fine to help myself cope better.
• I'm a push through the pain kinda girl and if I am in pain (especially around a bunch of people), I'm going to fake it 'til I make it. If all I do is focus on the pain, I'm not going to get through whatever it is I need to be doing. Some days it's just cleaning the house. I'll start and then feel the pain coming on, but I push myself every time to just keep going because I don't want to give up. Or, if I'm at work and I see something that needs done, I'm just going to do it. I have finally started relying on my co-workers more and actually asking for help more if I need something heavy picked up and moved...but I still feel bad asking. And you will always see me smiling in pictures and trying to go out and have fun with my kids, because you know what? Life is short and I'd rather make memories and be in pain, than not get to enjoy those moments with my kids.
• I'm straight up lying. I feel horrible, but explaining it doesn't benefit you or me.
• I lie a lot when it comes to talking to people I don't know very well, or for the ones that I know will want to give me unsolicited advice. Most advice givers have the best of intentions, but after years and years of people telling me, "You should try this essential oil.", "Have you tried Advil?" "Do a yoga class", "You need to totally change your diet.", Just rest and put some heat on it." I know in my heart that most people are trying to help, but I just end up feeling defeated. And for those wondering, I:
• have tried creams, oil, CBD oil etc.
• taken every OTC anti-inflammatory known to man
• taken exercise classes with stretching
• gone to physical therapy
• tried prescription meds....and so much more.
• I don't feel well, but explaining it tires me.
• Yup
• I don't want to be seen as complaining
• Yet here I am. If I'm in any situation around people that aren't my very close friends or family, I may say something like, "My back hurts more today than usual". If I say that it really means, "Holy crap...this hurts and I really want to go home and cry." This happened recently at an event. By the time I got home, I had to pause climbing the stairs and then I just laid out flat on my bedroom floor for 20 minutes trying to stretch out the pain. (Unfortunately, the pain from that night is still flaring 23 days later.)
• I know you really don't care how I am feeling.
• This depends on the person. I know who is genuine, and who isn't. And that's fine. I know it's annoying to hear someone complain.

Anyway, just a big thank you to those of you listen to me complain on here. Sometimes I just need to get it out. Sometimes, writing is a healing outlet for me. Especially when it's so hard to get a medical professional to listen to you and understand. What I'm feeling is NOT normal. Here's hoping I can get somewhere with my doctor this week!

Church Hurt and Closure

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, but I haven't been sure where to start, or how it would be received. I want to get my own feelings unapologetically written down, while also being mindful of others. Out of respect, I will not be using names.

Back in June, I began a second job at DMCC. (The church where I teach preschool) It was a job that had been brought up to me a few times over a one year span. I initially declined it. Then, I decided maybe I should consider it, but things happened. Life happened. Divorce happened. A dang pandemic happened. So, I once again put it on the back burner. It never fully left my mind though. It was always just kind of lingering in the background.

The job was just being created. It was essentially to do outreach for the church and focus on the younger generation (kids-40ish). I really went back and forth a lot. Mainly because I had a church home, and I really didn't know how DMCC would take it if I was doing this particular job, but attending and actively involved in another church within the community. Pastor Bill was okay with that, and thought the church would be as well.

Earlier this year I really started feeling God nudging me more toward this job, but I was still unsure. I even emailed my own pastor and his wife for advice. They said they would love to meet and would set up a time to do so, but that never happened. Yes, I could have taken the initiative to set something up, but that next Sunday, the pastor preached on using our gifts to serve others. I had this peace wash over me. I COULD use my gifts in both churches to serve God and his people. It shouldn't matter where you are going, as long as God is the forefront. I let Pastor Bill know that I was ready to move forward. The next step was to meet with the Personnel Committee. They had questions and concerns...and one was about the 2 churches. I explained my thoughts and they were okay with it, and decided that if I wanted the job, that it could move to the board for a vote. I was voted in near the end of May and began my job on June 7th. 

I let my own pastor know by email the decision that I had made in May. I never got a response, but continued on at Calvary. I was singing in worship team (something that truly made me happy and helped me really connect with God). I was attending other events. I was presented a gift for volunteering at the church. I was greeted by the leadership as I always had been.

Calvary was my "home" for 6 years. It was the first time I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be. I made friends. I loved to worship each Sunday. I was growing.

It wasn't until the end of June that I got burned. I didn't even see it coming. Someone on staff contacted me about the job I took. Asked me questions. My brain wasn't even processing everything that was being asked and I don't even know what I was saying in return. When I get put on the spot it's like my brain turns to mush and I have an out of body experience. I tried to explain the position, but with it being new, it was hard to fully describe what I was doing. 

I do remember a few of the things that were said to me. I was told that it was "weird" several times, that I was working for one church while going to another. I was told that while I wasn't being told that I needed to step down from worship team, that it didn't "sit right" that I was up in front of Calvary on Sunday mornings and doing outreach somewhere else. I was told that the church I'm working for has way different beliefs than Calvary, which also was weird and didn't sit right. (The church is far more traditional and there are a few things done differently...but both churches believe in God, baptism by immersion etc,).
And my favorite analogy was when I was informed that I was "dating two churches" and that seemed wrong. I of course acted fine on the phone because that's just me. 

As soon as I hung up, my brain caught up, and I burst into tears. I felt so deflated. My spirt was completely crushed. I do better with words when I write, so after crying all day, I composed another email to the pastor and his wife. I explained in detail, my feelings. How hurt I felt. How I didn't understand why nothing was said to me until that point. I let him know that I was stepping down from worship team effective immediately and really didn't think I would be back at Calvary after that.

His reply was basically that he'd rather speak in person...something I was not comfortable with. I felt like I would be headed into the lion's den with the other leadership being present as well. He said he'd like to discuss this, and didn't want to see me go. But, how could I continue to go to a church where I wouldn't be welcomed to serve?  I was made to feel that I did something wrong. I did send one more reply, to which I never received a response.

I've spend the summer going through a range of emotions. Deep hurt. Anger. Greif. I have missed it. 

Last night I attended a wedding there. It was my first time back in the building. It didn't feel like "home" anymore. It wasn't bad by any means, but it just didn't feel right. I was happy to see some people that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice to get hugs. Some people said hello. I have no idea who even knows I've been gone, honestly. No one reached out to me. I told a couple closer friends what was going on. They were amazing to me and still are. One thing that struck me was that 2 people told me (one former member and one current) that Calvary doesn't interact with other churches. I realized that was true...so it made more sense to me why things happened the way they did.

For the most part, I truly just miss the people. The ones who prayed with me. Did Life Group with me. Who loved me and the boys. Who supported me through a divorce. Who were there through many of life's ups and downs. I'll always be thankful for the years I had there and the people who positively influenced my life and those to continue to do so. I don't hold ill feelings toward the church in general, I love so many people there. I just wish things had panned out differently.

But, at the same time, I do believe everything happens for a reason. God already knew what was going to happen. I'm enjoying the work I've started doing at DMCC. I'm learning to come out of my shell a bit more. I've taken a church hiatus for the time being. I do watch services online sometimes, but sometimes it takes a while to heal. I am thankful for DMCC for welcoming me with open arms and for the people I have met there as well. Hopefully I will be able to continue to serve there and with the help of God,  see the church begin to grow.

Reflections

Today is my 1 Year Anniversary!

1 year ago today, I started a brand new chapter in my life and I never looked back. That day was pretty hush hush minus the friends who helped me move and my family. I wasn't quite ready to share with the entire world that I was getting a divorce.

What I have learned is that I am entirely capable and strong enough to make it through just about anything. Change can be a scary thing, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that God is going to get you through it all.

I've come to realize that I hid a lot of what I was going through because I felt as though I would be judged. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were married. Their parents were married. There were no divorces. I grew up going to church every Sunday (usually twice), and Wednesday nights. 

There is one thing that bothers me more now, than it ever did when I was growing up. It didn't matter what church I attended, and I still hear it now. It is drilled into your head that. "Divorce is NOT an option". I have memories of being in middle school and high school youth group and hearing that for the first time. I diligently took down notes and I knew in my heart that I would follow this "rule".

I've sat through conferences, church services, women's retreats and more, and I've heard it everywhere. You fight for your marriage. Marriage is hard work. All you need to do is communicate. Never EVER say the "D word" (Yes...that's an actual statement).

Of course, I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be a fairy tale. I most certainly didn't think that I'd ever get a divorce. Marriage vows should not be taken lightly. But, I think that the church as a whole needs to stop guilting people. Is marriage hard? Absolutely. I'm not saying just run away and give up right away. But, stop with the guilt.

You're taught that God only allows divorce for a couple of reasons and in general pastors seems to get stuck on infidelity and physical abuse. I'm here to tell you that there is more to abuse than just a physical side. There can be an emotional/psychological side to abuse that no one sees. I went through many years of guilt before I finally realized through prayer that it was okay to leave. I truly believe that God gave me his blessing.  

I mean, it took years to work up the courage and once I finally did, everything fell into place. God even had a home for the boys and I all lined up. 

I feel a whole lot stronger than I did a year ago. I have gained more confidence in myself. I've started believing in myself more. I've begun the healing process. I cried a lot last year for a few different reasons. I'm pretty sure I was depressed there for awhile. It's a weird thing to even explain because, I was free. I was happy to be free. But there's a lot to process at the same time and it didn't help that all of the world had collectivly lost their ever loving minds over a global pandemic.

I didn't lose any friends. My church family supported me. I am so thankful for that...I just wish that I hadn't spent so long thinking that people would judge me and tell me I couldn't be a part of things. (Well, maybe some did judge, but that's okay because no one did it to my face!)  

So cheers to my one year anniversary. Here's to more healing and more personal growth in the days and years that lie ahead of me. And thank you to all of you who made it through this post and who have shown me love and support this past year...and some who have been loving and supporting me even longer than that. You know who you all are. 

What 36 Taught Me

36 was a weird but liberating year for me. It didn't start out great. The state was still in the thick of the "Stay at Home Order". Everything was closed down, and I didn't get to even go out to eat on my birthday. Thankfully I have some great people in my life who helped make that day feel extra special.

I've done a lot of evolving in the past year and have been discovering things along the way.

36 taught me that:

• I am strong. Even when I have doubted it. Even when I have spent days crying my eyes out. I rise back up and keep on going. 
• It's never too late to start over, and more importantly, it's OKAY to start over. I had to use a lot of my strength to come to terms with this. It was years in the making. It's okay to leave a situation that is affecting your mental and even physical health.
• I need to set boundaries and I need to stand up for things that I believe in. A friend of mine says, "Speak your truth", and it has really stuck with me. It's something that I need to work on. It's not easy...and I totally wimp out most of the time, but I will say that the times I've been brave enough to do it leaves me feeling proud and accomplished.
• It's okay to accept and ask for help sometimes. That's another thing that doesn't come easily for me, but it's a work in progress.
• Sometimes things don't go as you plan. (Okay...I didn't just learn that). As disheartening as that is though, it usually means that it's not God's plan or not quite His timing. As another friend says, "When things don't go the way we want them to, you have to pull up your bootstraps and press on".
• Home-schooling (aka distance learning) is NOT for me.
• Sometimes all I really need is a full gas tank and some great music to sing along to. Drives do my soul good.
• Self-care is important...and it's okay to go on vacation without your kids so you can actually relax.

I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. It was a roller coaster year of life. I'm talking days where I was beyond happy and days where I cried so many tears I literally dehydrated myself and made myself sick. I made it though! 

Here's to 37! Another year of highs and lows, but I've got this. (With God's help!) Bring on the new opportunities and new memories.

 

Things I Learned in Florida

 

1.Never, I repeat NEVER pack $3 flip flops from WalMart that you've never worn before. Or you might end up limping into a souvenir shop and buying new ones that won't pinch and give you blisters on your very first night.

2. If your sister the marathon runner says we should walk somewhere and it's "not far"...it IS far. You may also end up with a blister the size of a half dollar on the bottom of your foot.

3. My sister is a cheapskate who didn't want to rent beach chairs. Granted, I didn't either, but our attempt to buy cheaper ones to just leave behind, failed. Yolo.

4. Don't fret over every single thing that costs money. Sometimes the adventure is totally worth it. Going parasailing was the best experience, and who knows if and when I'll get the chance to do it again.

5. I am a TERRIBLE decision maker. Okay. I already knew that. It's not that I make bad decisions. I just can't make up my mind on things...and apparently that really annoys my sister. I should probably work on that.

6. I'm also a poor navigational person. It made for some funny and/or frustrating moments, but I hate driving in new places, so thankfully Kendra was game. 

7. Kendra can be a scary driver. Let us never forget the orange cones she forcefully backed us into at Disney while I yelled, "Be careful!"

8. It turns out that not only am I allergic to hospital grade adhesive, I'm also allergic to the adhesive in the blister band-aids I bought. I may or may not have tossed money at Kendra and made her go in the gas station to get me Benadryl while I furiously sat scratching my feet in the car.

 9. Disney IS the happiest place on earth if you travel with the right person. I can't wait to do it again someday. Also...I stand by my opinion that I never want to take young kids there.

10. I LOVE the ocean. I knew that already, but I kind of forgot. It was so peaceful (when the construction next door was done for the day!). Walking in the sand and walking out into the water are the best feelings.

11. 3498359 facts about Disney. We may have nerded out the night before Disney and sat up for hours reading each other various facts and trivia about Disney. And then we may have continued the obsession for the rest of our trip.

12. Don't shop on Disney property...I mean, unless you've got all the money. We had way more funny going to souvenir shops in Orlando to shop and save money!

13. No matter how old we get, sisters will always get irritated with each other and smack the other one at least once or twice.

14. Be spontaneous! If there's an awesome full moon over the ocean and it's 11:30pm, who cares? Go down to the beach and enjoy it!

15. I still really love to read. I just struggle to focus at home. Therefore, I should probably just win the lottery and sit and read on the beach for the rest of my life.