Over It!

I can't wait for winter to be over. I say it every single winter, but this one is like living in Iowa again. The snow is pretty, but I need green grass! I despise the cold. I'm sick of coats, and hats. I'm just over it. I can't wait until the day when I can slide my bare feet into flip flops and walk out the door without having to bundle up the kiddo!

Daniel and I have had fun playing out in the snow together a few times, so I guess I'm not a complete Scrooge!





We had a fun Valentine's Day!



I bought some treats to take to the Y for the kiddos from Daniel. He helped pass them out as the kids came in. I also made sugar cookies for all of the main staff who spoil Daniel rotten every single day. Then I printed some Valentine's to attach to the front of the bag, and let him pass them out!



After nap he got to open his mail. He had cards from both sets of grandparent's and a card from his Great Grandma T. He got a dollar in that card and exclaimed, "Money!" then pulled out his cash register to put it in! He also got a couple of books and some treats as well.

After he went to bed, Jacob and I watched a movie. We don't really exchange gifts or anything, but it was fun watching a movie together!

Yesterday Mimi and Pa came over and played. Daniel had a blast, as always.





Then he got to stay home with Daddy today, because I didn't want to take him out in this icy mess!

I finally made myself exercise today. I've been slacking and hadn't worked out since last Thursday. I'm pretty proud of myself though. I've lost about 9 pounds since the first week of January and ridden about 230 miles on my recumbent bike! I knew when my jeans didn't fit it was time to cut back again. Being tall has an advantage, because it makes me look thinner, but I know when I'm weighing too much. I had gained almost 15 pounds in the last year. My goal is to lose that 15. I've done a lot of cheating...especially this last week. Mostly eating out and not making good choices. I let myself eat McDonalds on Friday...first time since the end of December. Big. Fat. Mistake. I didn't get fries. I got a snack wrap and a caramel frappe. The snack wrap was yummy. The first few sips of the frappe were heavenly, but that's all I really needed, and I drank almost all of it. I felt sick all night and was sick all morning on Saturday. Lesson learned. Gotta get back on track. I'm letting myself eat a little more junk, but I have to be careful not to get out of control. It's WAY too easy for me! Maybe by the beginning of April I'll shed the other 6 pounds. That's the goal!

It's Been A Few Weeks

I haven't blogged much lately. I haven't really known what to say. A lot of people know there's something going on with my sister (Erica) and Jim, but many do not know the circumstances, nor is it my place to share them here. They just need a lot of prayers. It's only been 10 days since we found out what was happening, and it feels like months. I've been through an array of emotions. Confused. Shocked. Angry. Sad.
When you intermix that with the emotions of motherhood and daily life it's hard to feel a sense of balance. I'd be laughing at something Daniel did, while trying to sort through my emotions of everything happening with my sister. With the help of my anxiety medicine, I've only had one meltdown though. Phew.
I know. This is all so mysterious, but really there's no good way to share what's happening, so just pray.

Daniel keeps up on our toes constantly. He's talking in full sentences! For the past 2 days he's been talking nonstop. He's quite the little chatter box and his little mind absorbs everything. I am insanely jealous of his memory. He remembers things that happened months ago and tells me about them like it's fresh in his mind.

He can finally says the names of every letter of the alphabet! He's struggled with "W" for a long time and wouldn't even try to say it. Usually he'd just flip whatever we were looking at upside down and say, "M!" Then the other night we were playing with his foam letters and he said it! He can also count to 12 now. After that everything is either "teen" or "15".

My absolute favorite time of the day is bedtime. Not because he's going to bed and we finally get a couple hours of quiet (although I LOVE that too!), but because of our long talks. They're getting so much fun. Once we finally get teeth brushed and everything ready, we read books and then turn out the light. Even before he could talk much, I've always talked about what we did that day. Now he snuggles up and says, "Mommy, Daniel...talk about day!" So we review...and then he usually backs up and we talk about other things too. He's still talking about our trip to Iowa! Then we say our prayers and I always have him thank Jesus for something too. For awhile he was thankful for "HoHo" every night. Lately he's thankful for Mommy and Daddy! Usually we sing some Bible songs, but lately he's wanting to talk more and not sing...until I say it's time for bed! He's quite the negotiator too. He'll say things like, "Rock, a couple more minutes?" And really, how can I resist that? It's the one time of day he stays on my lap for more than 30 seconds. Well besides going down for nap.

All of a sudden he can say people's names too! He names all of his friends at the Y now. He can now name all of his aunts and uncles too! Still working on his cousin Logan's name, but he said Erica today!

We've had some major cabin fever this winter. I literally feel like I'm living in Iowa again. It's been bitterly cold (or as I call it, "snot freezing cold") Not to mention, we've had a ton of snow. It was finally gone and then we got another 8 inches dumped on us on Tuesday. Lucky Jacob! He got out of school early on his birthday (Tuesday) and didn't have school until today. They've had 9 snows days this year. I lucked out and got a snow day on Wednesday too, so Daniel and I had some fun with PlayDoh and color pegs.







He stayed at home with Jacob yesterday and was rather ornery. I decided to let him help me bake cookies for our friends at the Y last night. He first baking experience. He had fun in the kitchen, but I don't know that he really enjoyed the cookie making. He had more fun playing in the sink!





He had fun at the Y today, and was very nice to his friends! Yay! (It's a work in progress) Then we got his hair cut.

Tomorrow we're going to Springfield to go out for Jacob's birthday dinner. Hopefully we can get rid some more cabin fever!

Our Mini Vacation

Our long weekend in Iowa turned into a mini vacation. I can't believe we've almost been here a week.

It's been a fun and relaxing time though.

We headed over last Wednesday and made it in one piece, even though there was a lot of blowing snow and white outs once we got into Iowa. Thank the Lord for anxiety medicine. I was nervous, but I never panicked.

On Thursday, Daniel and I both slept in until almost 9:00. Amazing.

Then Sheila came over for a visit and stayed for 3 hours. It was SO nice getting to see her and catch up with her. I feel like in a weird way, I've gotten to know her more in the years since I've moved through Facebook and reading her blog. She's been through a lot over the past several months and needs a friend. I'm happy to help fill that role! Time went by way too quickly though!





After Sheila left, I had a car seat tech come over again and help me get Daniel's new seat correctly installed in my mom's van. I don't know why I have such problems in other cars. It's so easy to get a tight install in my car. I'm just thankful one lives so close by and she was happy to help!

Kendra got home a little after that, so we all hung out and ended our Thursday with a tear jerker episode of Parenthood.

On Friday, we went to pick up Grandma and do an early lunch at Texas Roadhouse. I promised myself I wouldn't ruin my diet too much and I did pretty good. Plus, I limited myself to one roll. Now that my friends, is what I call will power.

Dad drove separately, so he went home and we all went back to Grandma's for a little while. Daniel had a blast playing with the cat's toys and had fun trying to coax Sugar out from under the bed. She never did come out!

 



We headed back and I got Daniel down for a late nap. Then Mom, Kendra and I went shopping at Stuff and Kohls. We got Daniel some "new" books, puzzles, Easter outfit and and Iowa hoodie at Stuff. Then at Kohls we got a ton of clothes for Daniel for next fall! Yay for clearance (and for Mimi!)!

On Saturday, I got to go visit my middle school/high school swim coach. She was a big inspiration for me throughout middle school and high school and was always a huge encouragement to me as well. I'm so glad that we've kept in touch over the years, but I hadn't seen her since my baby shower. I was very excited to introduce her to Daniel finally!

He loved exploring their house, feeding their dog some of his crackers, looking at their fish and even helping Randy cook. I loved catching up with Heather (it still seems weird not to call her Coach Feuerhelm).

 







Besides the gigantic tantrum Daniel had when it was time to go, he was a very good boy...and he left with a bag full of books! I love adding books to our collection!

Once home, it was time to hunker down and I started debating whether or not to head home on Sunday like we had planned.

By yesterday morning the wind was blowing with 50mph gusts. After texting with Jacob, we decided that Daniel and I should just stay put. It literally turned into the laziest day ever. I think the only thing I managed to do was shower and get dressed. Other than that we sat around and watched TV all day. The wind died down a bit during the late morning, but around 4:30 it got nasty! It sounded like the house was going to blow over, and it went on until about 7:00 this morning.

Although, we probably could have made it home today, we decided to just stay one more day and not risk anything.  It's so cold that we just hibernated again today. More laziness. It's been kind of nice to relax a bit. Poor Daniel has a cold that came out of nowhere! Saturday he was fine. Yesterday he started coughing, sneezing, had a runny nose and then started losing his voice by last night. He only napped 5 minutes yesterday, so he was begging to go to bed at 7:30. By 8 he was out...but then was up 3 times in the next 2 hours. Poor little guy!

Tomorrow we're finally planning to head home. I'm excited to get home and see Jacob. I know Daniel will be happy to see Daddy! It's been lots of fun here though!

Catching Up and Looking Forward!

I've had a hard time knowing what to write about after writing my last post about anxiety. I'm so glad that I wrote it. I couldn't believe the amount of comments I got from others who have dealt with the same thing. I even received several private messages. I'm thankful for all of you who posted support and words of wisdom!

Anyway, I suppose I'll just catch back up on life!

A couple of weeks ago we went to Villa Grove for the weekend to celebrate Christmas on the Elam side. We had planned to go Saturday and come home that Sunday, but we decided to go a day early and headed over on Friday. We all had a really fun time together. Daniel was exceptionally good, and had a great time with his Mimi and Pa. He even slept better than he usually does there. Of course one of the nights he did wake up at 2, and since he sleeps in the same room with us there, he saw me and I start to hear, "Mommy? Mommy?" I tried the ignore tactic. Then I tried whispering, "It's nigh-night time. Go back to sleep." Ha! Instead he wound up in the middle with Jacob and I for awhile and then went back to the pack n play without a fight. Phew!

We had fun celebrating Christmas again too! It's of course, mostly about Daniel, but Jacob and  I loved all of the things we received as well. We have some great parents!











Then this past weekend we had ourselves a lovely snowstorm. You wouldn't think living 4.5 hours away from where you grew up would make that huge of a difference in weather, but it does! I've been pretty spoiled living here, even though it still gets cold and I will always complain about the cold, it's still "warmer" than Iowa. My first winter here we had a "snowstorm" of sorts. I think like maybe 2 or 3 inches and people were freaking out like it was the biggest snow ever. But, even we couldn't escape the arctic blast that hit the Midwest.

I will admit that it sure was beautiful coming down...although it got so windy that at one point we couldn't even tell if it was snowing or just blowing. By 4:00 on Saturday afternoon they literally shut down the county. Well...the roads. Of course some people still had to be out in it anyway because some businesses didn't close. It was bad though. Lots of drifting. They said some roads had 8 foot drifts.

I think all in all we got around 8 or 9 inches. Honestly, I kinda like the white. It's better than staring at brown grass all winter. Who would've thought? The horrendously cold temperatures though? I could do without those. At least we all got an extra snow day. Well, Jacob and Daniel got 2 extra days!







I'll only be able to deal with this for so long though. It's only a matter of time...more likely a matter of days before I'm sick of it and begging for Spring! We're supposed to get freezing rain tomorrow, and if I have to drive in that I will take back everything nice I may have said about Winter. (Which wasn't much to begin with!)

Daniel still hasn't been out to play in it though since it's been too cold. Although yesterday he decided not to listen to me and I may have let him learn his lesson. He ran away from me and fell in the snow with only his coat and hat on. He was not happy about his hands getting cold, or his pants and shoes being wet. He probably didn't learn his lesson though...so I carried him today.

I'm excited! I've got my first Iowa road trip of the year planned. And if Mother Nature gets in my way I will not be happy. My parents were planning to visit here this month, but talking with Kendra she really wanted me to come there. I decided since Jacob will be away that weekend, we'd head over there! I need good Iowa and Illinois weather. In January. During one of the worst winters in years. Wish me luck.

We're waiting for Jacob's family to get here soon! Rachel and Micah are visiting, so we're all going out for supper tonight. Looking forward to seeing them even though it will be a short visit!

Not All Anxiety is Normal

WARNING: Long post ahead!

I said in my last post that I got my anxiety under control this past year and that I would write more about it in another post.

I know that I've joked about it from time to time, but a few months ago I finally did something about it and have been on anti-anxiety medicine for about 4 months. I can't even begin to explain how much better I've felt in those 3 months!

I'll try to start from the beginning...although I'm not quite sure where the beginning actually is. I've been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. I dwell on things that many people wouldn't even have a second thought about. I am a worrier, but took it to the extreme. I let EVERYTHING stress me out. I experienced headaches, tightness in my chest and I cried all the time. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I cried at least once a week from somewhere in my teenage years on. That was normal to me. It was my release.

I would say that my anxiety got worse when Jacob and I got married. It wasn't because of Jacob though, although I'm sure he felt that way at times. Moving was a HUGE thing for me. It took me a long long time to stop thinking of Iowa as my home and accepting that Illinois IS my home. I was ridiculously homesick.  I hated that I didn't know anyone in Taylorville. I felt like a stranger who didn't belong. Silly things stressed me out. Things like, WalMart was backwards. It wasn't the same as my old store. Where would we take our car when it needed repairs? Would I ever learn the new cable channels? I don't know THESE news anchors! I mean, seriously. I was actually legitimately upset about that.

Jacob suggested many times that maybe I should talk with a doctor about getting some kind of anti-anxiety medicine, but I was stubborn. I didn't feel like I truly needed that. I didn't want a drug controlling me or my thoughts. I needed that control.

Once I had Daniel the anxiety only got worse. I didn't think much of it for awhile. After all, everyone tells you that your hormones take a long while to get back to normal and I knew that I didn't have postpartum depression, so I just went with it. Little did I know that there is a lesser known thing called postpartum anxiety!

I knew that it was normal to have more worry once you have a child, because you of course want to keep them safe from everything. I had said that I would put Daniel in his bed from night one. Instead he ended up right next to me in his bouncy seat. (Although, this turned out to be FAR more ideal for those night time feedings), but I really needed him there to make sure he was okay. I would wake up constantly and have to put my hand on his stomach to feel it rise and fall.

Once he moved to his own room, he of course didn't sleep through the night, but anytime that I woke up that he wasn't awake I HAD to go in his room to check on him. We even had the AngelCare monitor to alert us if there was no movement.

I was constantly plagued with this horrible feeling that someone would kidnap him. I knew that my thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking of these things. In fact, I never even shared a lot of that with Jacob because I thought he would think I was nuts! I was afraid someone would pick up his little car seat carrier and just walk off with him if I turned my back at the store. I couldn't focus when we started going to a new church and put him in the nursery. I had this fear that someone would come in and take him, and the nursery workers wouldn't know that he wasn't supposed to go with them.

As it turns out...anxiety isn't just worry and fear. It can also cause anger. I was very moody and snippy with Jacob. I couldn't even share a bed with him because his snoring made me irrationally angry. I would get so mad that I would kick him really hard, and my mind would race with angry thoughts. He would try to tell me that I wasn't myself, but I was convinced that he took up snoring after Daniel was born because this had never bothered me before.

Oh yeah...and then I had a few OCD tendencies pop up too. Things that I HAD to recheck several times. Things that I HAD to do in a certain order. Things that HAD to be done a certain way.

When Daniel was about 8 months I ended up with really bad poison ivy, so I went to the doctor. I decided while I was there I would bring some of this up. I basically started describing some of my anxiety, and pretty much without batting an eye, she told me I just needed some "me" time. I needed to get out and go shopping with friends or go to a movie alone. Yada yada yada. Well guess what? When money is one of your biggest anxiety triggers you don't get to go out and have "me" time doing stuff like that very often!

Things never got better, and I just kept living with it that way. I told Jacob that I would talk to my OB/GYN when I went for my yearly in April, because I felt like I could open up with her. Of course, I ended up having to reschedule my appointment and couldn't get in until June. As soon as I started explaining to her how I was feeling and what was going on, I could see a look of understanding in her eyes. She understood me! I started bawling. Let's face it. You know you have a great doctor when you're comfortable enough to open up, cry, and all the while be sitting there with just a thin sheet of paper covering you up! I'm SO thankful for her. She spent at least 20 extra minutes with me and explained to me that although I've had anxiety for so long, I had probably been dealing with postpartum anxiety and my hormones never settled back down.

She explained some options and in then decided to try a different birth control for 2  months. If that didn't work she was putting me on anxiety medicine. She promised to have her nurse call me at the 2 month mark, and sure enough she did. I told her when she called I was very nervous about it, but to go ahead an call it in.

Jacob was really proud of me for taking that step and I was proud too. I was still scared though. Imagine that. Being anxious! The first few days were a little rough. Well, the first day not so much, but that next few I had some nasty headaches. Once I got past those, it was smooth sailing. I didn't really notice much right away and didn't expect to, but slowly I started to feel the difference!

Then I started noticing that little things weren't bothering me as much. Apparently the dishes CAN sit in the sink for a couple of hours without getting washed. (Last night I even left a few overnight...I know, right?)
I don't necessarily like it, but I know it isn't the end of the world. Oh, and the blanket on the couch? If it doesn't get folded before bed each night, I don't want to punch a wall. In fact, a few weeks ago I left it unfolded for a WEEK just to prove to myself that the world wouldn't end.

I don't have to check on Daniel every time I wake up, because I can convince myself that he's fine. I don't have this fear that he isn't breathing or that someone broke in and kidnapped him. I also don't have to get up and come out into the living room or dining room to make sure there are no intruders. The medicine helped to calm that part of my mind down. I'm not saying that there isn't the occasional time that this doesn't happen. Maybe once a month or so I have to check on Daniel because I wake up with a *feeling* like I need to. And before I go to bed, I go in to check on him...and I'm totally that mom from "Love You Forever" except I don't crawl or rock him. I do peek up over the side of his bed and kiss him though. If anyone ever catches me driving to his house when he's an adult and climbing into his room with a ladder, you have my permission to commit me.

I can share a bed with my husband! He was kind of scared to even try, but it was like the ultimate test of my meds. You know what? He still snores. It still bothers me at times. It does NOT stir up an uncontrollable rage inside of me. I don't kick him anymore. I do the occasional shake or light push, to try to get him to roll over, but it's so much better now!

In general I just feel better. I don't stress like I did. I do still stress, but I'd say it's more in the normal range. I used to go into a full on panic when we had to spend money on anything. (I had the ultimate panic attack when our air broke. I think that was the moment I KNEW I wanted to try medicine). Now when things have come up, I feel that little twinge inside of me, but my first reaction is more of a deep breath or sigh and not just about having a heart attack.

I don't cry like I did either. I've only cried twice in 4 months. TWICE. Once when my mom left after coming to help me when my back hurt so badly and the other watching Steve Carrel's last episode of The Office. Haha!

A couple of weeks ago I went to a dentist appointment. I walked in, sat down and when my name was called my heart didn't start racing like a jackhammer. I didn't enjoy myself, but I wasn't fidgeting and shaking like a leaf the whole time either. Pretty proud!

The few OCD things that had popped up have gotten better. I do still have a few, but I suppose everyone does, right?

I'm thankful for my husband who stuck by me through all of my anxieties and kept encouraging me to do something about it, even if it took me 4 years to listen.

I'm thankful for my OB/GYN for being the best doctor I've ever had.

I'm thankful for realizing that maybe God's answer to my prayers of taking away my anxieties was to actually seek help.

There you have it. If you're reading this and thinking that maybe, just maybe you have anxiety too, I would totally encourage you to talk to a doctor you trust. You might find that you don't have to live with the entire weight of the world on your shoulders!