Not All Anxiety is Normal

WARNING: Long post ahead!

I said in my last post that I got my anxiety under control this past year and that I would write more about it in another post.

I know that I've joked about it from time to time, but a few months ago I finally did something about it and have been on anti-anxiety medicine for about 4 months. I can't even begin to explain how much better I've felt in those 3 months!

I'll try to start from the beginning...although I'm not quite sure where the beginning actually is. I've been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. I dwell on things that many people wouldn't even have a second thought about. I am a worrier, but took it to the extreme. I let EVERYTHING stress me out. I experienced headaches, tightness in my chest and I cried all the time. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I cried at least once a week from somewhere in my teenage years on. That was normal to me. It was my release.

I would say that my anxiety got worse when Jacob and I got married. It wasn't because of Jacob though, although I'm sure he felt that way at times. Moving was a HUGE thing for me. It took me a long long time to stop thinking of Iowa as my home and accepting that Illinois IS my home. I was ridiculously homesick.  I hated that I didn't know anyone in Taylorville. I felt like a stranger who didn't belong. Silly things stressed me out. Things like, WalMart was backwards. It wasn't the same as my old store. Where would we take our car when it needed repairs? Would I ever learn the new cable channels? I don't know THESE news anchors! I mean, seriously. I was actually legitimately upset about that.

Jacob suggested many times that maybe I should talk with a doctor about getting some kind of anti-anxiety medicine, but I was stubborn. I didn't feel like I truly needed that. I didn't want a drug controlling me or my thoughts. I needed that control.

Once I had Daniel the anxiety only got worse. I didn't think much of it for awhile. After all, everyone tells you that your hormones take a long while to get back to normal and I knew that I didn't have postpartum depression, so I just went with it. Little did I know that there is a lesser known thing called postpartum anxiety!

I knew that it was normal to have more worry once you have a child, because you of course want to keep them safe from everything. I had said that I would put Daniel in his bed from night one. Instead he ended up right next to me in his bouncy seat. (Although, this turned out to be FAR more ideal for those night time feedings), but I really needed him there to make sure he was okay. I would wake up constantly and have to put my hand on his stomach to feel it rise and fall.

Once he moved to his own room, he of course didn't sleep through the night, but anytime that I woke up that he wasn't awake I HAD to go in his room to check on him. We even had the AngelCare monitor to alert us if there was no movement.

I was constantly plagued with this horrible feeling that someone would kidnap him. I knew that my thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking of these things. In fact, I never even shared a lot of that with Jacob because I thought he would think I was nuts! I was afraid someone would pick up his little car seat carrier and just walk off with him if I turned my back at the store. I couldn't focus when we started going to a new church and put him in the nursery. I had this fear that someone would come in and take him, and the nursery workers wouldn't know that he wasn't supposed to go with them.

As it turns out...anxiety isn't just worry and fear. It can also cause anger. I was very moody and snippy with Jacob. I couldn't even share a bed with him because his snoring made me irrationally angry. I would get so mad that I would kick him really hard, and my mind would race with angry thoughts. He would try to tell me that I wasn't myself, but I was convinced that he took up snoring after Daniel was born because this had never bothered me before.

Oh yeah...and then I had a few OCD tendencies pop up too. Things that I HAD to recheck several times. Things that I HAD to do in a certain order. Things that HAD to be done a certain way.

When Daniel was about 8 months I ended up with really bad poison ivy, so I went to the doctor. I decided while I was there I would bring some of this up. I basically started describing some of my anxiety, and pretty much without batting an eye, she told me I just needed some "me" time. I needed to get out and go shopping with friends or go to a movie alone. Yada yada yada. Well guess what? When money is one of your biggest anxiety triggers you don't get to go out and have "me" time doing stuff like that very often!

Things never got better, and I just kept living with it that way. I told Jacob that I would talk to my OB/GYN when I went for my yearly in April, because I felt like I could open up with her. Of course, I ended up having to reschedule my appointment and couldn't get in until June. As soon as I started explaining to her how I was feeling and what was going on, I could see a look of understanding in her eyes. She understood me! I started bawling. Let's face it. You know you have a great doctor when you're comfortable enough to open up, cry, and all the while be sitting there with just a thin sheet of paper covering you up! I'm SO thankful for her. She spent at least 20 extra minutes with me and explained to me that although I've had anxiety for so long, I had probably been dealing with postpartum anxiety and my hormones never settled back down.

She explained some options and in then decided to try a different birth control for 2  months. If that didn't work she was putting me on anxiety medicine. She promised to have her nurse call me at the 2 month mark, and sure enough she did. I told her when she called I was very nervous about it, but to go ahead an call it in.

Jacob was really proud of me for taking that step and I was proud too. I was still scared though. Imagine that. Being anxious! The first few days were a little rough. Well, the first day not so much, but that next few I had some nasty headaches. Once I got past those, it was smooth sailing. I didn't really notice much right away and didn't expect to, but slowly I started to feel the difference!

Then I started noticing that little things weren't bothering me as much. Apparently the dishes CAN sit in the sink for a couple of hours without getting washed. (Last night I even left a few overnight...I know, right?)
I don't necessarily like it, but I know it isn't the end of the world. Oh, and the blanket on the couch? If it doesn't get folded before bed each night, I don't want to punch a wall. In fact, a few weeks ago I left it unfolded for a WEEK just to prove to myself that the world wouldn't end.

I don't have to check on Daniel every time I wake up, because I can convince myself that he's fine. I don't have this fear that he isn't breathing or that someone broke in and kidnapped him. I also don't have to get up and come out into the living room or dining room to make sure there are no intruders. The medicine helped to calm that part of my mind down. I'm not saying that there isn't the occasional time that this doesn't happen. Maybe once a month or so I have to check on Daniel because I wake up with a *feeling* like I need to. And before I go to bed, I go in to check on him...and I'm totally that mom from "Love You Forever" except I don't crawl or rock him. I do peek up over the side of his bed and kiss him though. If anyone ever catches me driving to his house when he's an adult and climbing into his room with a ladder, you have my permission to commit me.

I can share a bed with my husband! He was kind of scared to even try, but it was like the ultimate test of my meds. You know what? He still snores. It still bothers me at times. It does NOT stir up an uncontrollable rage inside of me. I don't kick him anymore. I do the occasional shake or light push, to try to get him to roll over, but it's so much better now!

In general I just feel better. I don't stress like I did. I do still stress, but I'd say it's more in the normal range. I used to go into a full on panic when we had to spend money on anything. (I had the ultimate panic attack when our air broke. I think that was the moment I KNEW I wanted to try medicine). Now when things have come up, I feel that little twinge inside of me, but my first reaction is more of a deep breath or sigh and not just about having a heart attack.

I don't cry like I did either. I've only cried twice in 4 months. TWICE. Once when my mom left after coming to help me when my back hurt so badly and the other watching Steve Carrel's last episode of The Office. Haha!

A couple of weeks ago I went to a dentist appointment. I walked in, sat down and when my name was called my heart didn't start racing like a jackhammer. I didn't enjoy myself, but I wasn't fidgeting and shaking like a leaf the whole time either. Pretty proud!

The few OCD things that had popped up have gotten better. I do still have a few, but I suppose everyone does, right?

I'm thankful for my husband who stuck by me through all of my anxieties and kept encouraging me to do something about it, even if it took me 4 years to listen.

I'm thankful for my OB/GYN for being the best doctor I've ever had.

I'm thankful for realizing that maybe God's answer to my prayers of taking away my anxieties was to actually seek help.

There you have it. If you're reading this and thinking that maybe, just maybe you have anxiety too, I would totally encourage you to talk to a doctor you trust. You might find that you don't have to live with the entire weight of the world on your shoulders!