Happy 11th, Daniel!

 Dear Daniel, 

Another year has gone by, and here you are turning 11 years old. It's starting to make me a little sad. You're growing up quickly now. They say the years go fast, but it doesn't always feel that way, until one day you realize that your baby is now only 6 inches shorter than you. (I'm hoping I grow a couple of inches next year with my surgery, so maybe when I write next year's letter you'll still only be 6 inches shorter than me). 

I think 10 was a good year for you for the most part.

You were very excited to learn that we were going to adopt a kitten last December. We went to the shelter to meet her, and it was love at first sight. We wished we could have taken her home with us that day, but she had to stay until after the new year. Her shelter name was Winnie, and I was thinking about changing it. You helped me change my mind though, and we kept it. You two have formed a very sweet bond, and she truly loves you. You're the only one who can get her to jump like a ninja cat, and she is always happy to see you. (Minus that one time she figured out how to hiss and started to hiss at you!). 

We also had fun taking a weekend getaway to St. Louis last December. We got to stay at a hotel, see the lights at the zoo, go to the aquarium, science center and ride the Ferris Wheel at Union Station. 

In January we finally had a decent size snow, and I had failed you as a mother up until this point in your life. I had never taken you sledding! I went and bought 2 saucers and took you and James out to the lake. As it turned out, you loved it and James hated it. It was also beyond freezing, but we made it almost an hour. I know you're hoping for more snow this winter so you can go again.

Over spring break we did some fun activities. We went to an Easter egg hunt, and of course you found money in one of your eggs, because when it comes to winning things, you're always the lucky one. We also went mini golfing at Knight's and had our own egg hunt at home too. We were supposed to go to a Cardinals game, but we got rained out. Thankfully, we got to go a few weeks later and watch them win!

Over the summer you had 2 trips to Iowa. The first trip you and James got to spend a week alone at Mimi and Pa's while I went to Colorado to visit Aunt Erica. We came back again a few weeks later for the Smith Family Reunion. 2 days of craziness with lots and lots of family members. You enjoyed some of the activities and really seemed to enjoy helping put together the puzzle of your Great Grandma and Grandpa Smith with Aunt Donna, and playing "Smith-O". The family version of BINGO. It was at the reunion that I realized that you are a bit of an introvert like your mama. The last night, you were eating your supper at a table all alone. I came over to see if you were okay and you said, "Yeah. It's just too peopley" I knew EXACTLY what you meant.

You also got your alto saxophone at the beginning of summer. We still laugh because the tag that came attached to your case says, "Daruel Elam". How they messed that up, I will never know.

You were able to attend one week of band camp and then practiced here and there during the summer. 

In August we did a quick trip to Great Mimi T's house in Chariton right before school started. 

Dad took you and James to another Cardinals game as an early birthday present and what a gift you got! You saw Albert Pujols hit home run #698!

In Taylorville you move to the Jr. High in 5th grade. It just doesn't seem right! You're still an elementary kid in my book, but 5th grade is separate from the older kids and you don't move classes yet. You were pretty bummed though because you had to miss your first day of school. You were at the tail end of  Covid- Round 2. 

So far you seem to love 5th grade. You're a straight A student. (Big surprise there). You are loving band, and were more advanced than the other kids in your group, so now you're in a class that's further ahead.  Once you realized that practicing was graded, you have been great about practicing at home. Sometimes it can be a little annoying, but honestly, I usually love listening to you play. If you keep practicing, you're going to do amazing things!

You also came home one day and told me you were applying for student council. So many 5th graders wanted in that they decided those selected would only get to serve half of the year. You are the first half, so you only have 1 meeting left. I hope you decide to try again in 6th grade, because I love seeing you involved in your school. 

Our fall has consisted of pumpkin patches, driving around to look at leaves, visiting Aikman Wildlife Adventure with Mimi and Pa and celebrating Halloween. I had to rectify another mom fail. Never in your almost 11 years of life had I taken you trick-or-treating. We've gone to trunk-or-treats. TONS of them. You guys had never been door to door through a neighborhood though, and that was your one request. It was a bit rainy that evening, but you 2 had a blast and I loved seeing the happiness on your faces...especially when you got full size candy bars at some houses. 

You have done a lot of growing this year. Both physically and emotionally. At last check, you were 5'2.5"! You are becoming more mature...but trust me, you still do things daily that make me question my sanity. You have become such great help to me though. You have taken on litter duty, you carry the groceries in, carry bins in and out of the house for me when I decide I need to decorate for the next season or holiday, and you pick up the slack for your brother more times than you should really have to. I figured it was probably time to start giving you a small allowance. It's not much, but you seem very grateful for it.

I am very proud to call you my son and I can't wait to see what year 11 brings you!

I love you more than words can say.

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday, James Michael!

 Dear James,

I can't believe it's time for me to sit down and write you your birthday letter again. Sometimes the days feel long, but the year always flies by. I am actually writing this the night before your birthday. 8 years ago tonight, I went to bed and had no idea that I would wake up at 4am and be welcoming you into the world just 4 hours later! That's you though. You've always done your own thing, even when it drives me crazy.

I hope that 7 has been a good year for you. You have had your ups and downs, but you know what? That will never change. No matter how old you get, there will be good times and bad each and every year. You are definitely my stubborn child, and it's been the year of getting your Kindle taken away over and over because you get mad or sassy with me. You like to test my patience a lot, and I know that I have yelled and taken things away, but one day you'll realize that I did you a favor by teaching you how to follow rules and how to behave. 

Enough on that though. Each year is also filled with happy memories, and I love to make memories with you boys Let's remember some of the fun things you did when you were 7!

In December one of our advent calendar activities was an overnight trip to St. Louis jam packed with fun. We stayed in a hotel, went to see the Christmas lights at the zoo, and went to the aquarium. You guys loved it, and so did I! The funny thing to me though are the 2 things you still talk about aren't any of those things. You always talk about how funny it was that the GPS tried to take us to the airport terminal to go to Chili's. (and that I actually ended up in the airport lot before I realized what was happening). And the fact that we didn't end up actually eating supper until almost 9:00 that night, and we ended up at Olive Garden where you downed probably 5 breadsticks. 

I also surprised you and your brother by taking you to the animal shelter to meet a kitty that I found online. It was love at first sight. We got to play with Winnie that day and filled out the adoption papers. We had to wait a week and a half before we could bring her home, but we did go back to visit her again. She fit right into our family and you have absolutely loved her (even though you've also tortured her a little too by getting all up in her business.)

You continued to excel in school and even got moved up to 2nd grade for reading a couple days a week. You also got Student of the Month!

In May, you got to go to your very first Cardinals game. It was so much fun. You had a slice of pizza bigger than your head. You REALLY wanted the whole crowd to do "the wave" even though you didn't fully know what it was. We saw one homerun in the first inning and then nothing the next 8...but the Cardinals won, which meant you became a good luck charm!

This summer you and Daniel got to spend a week in Iowa with Mimi and Pa while I went to spend time with Aunt Erica, Katie and Leo. Then we came back to Iowa a few weeks later for the 4th of July and the Smith Family Reunion. You got to meet your cousin Leo for the very first time and enjoyed playing with Katie (or Minnow as she liked to be called). Then you got to meet a lot of family you had never met before at the reunion. Your favorite activity was "SMITH-0", which was our family version of Bingo. You still talk about it.

We also took a very quick trip to Chariton to visit Great Mimi T, who turned 91 this year!

In August you started 2nd grade. You really wanted Mrs. Cope, and that's who you got. You have absolutely loved 2nd grade so far. This is your first year of totally normal school ever. No virtual learning, no masks, no social distancing. Real school! The way it was meant to be. You have already achieved getting Student of the Month again this school year. That makes me a proud mama.

You went to another Cardinals game with your dad as an early birthday present and you saw Albert Pujols hit his 698th homerun! I was SO excited for you (and a little jealous too!). What an amazing memory for you and Daniel.

This year I worked at Indian Knoll, but we still managed to visit a couple of other pumpkin patches. We went to Pumpkin Creek Farm and then to Rader Family Farm, which has now been declared a favorite. That day was almost perfect. I'm glad you like going to patches with me. I'll probably drag you along until you're 18.

You are still extremely picky when it comes to food...which could be a slight blessing after finding out you have several food allergies and not just peanuts. It still drives me crazy...but you have added a couple new foods to your small list of acceptable things to eat. Maybe one day you'll find even more.

I'm sure I left out a lot, but those are the things that stood out the most.

I hope you always know how much I love and care for you. I'm very thankful that God chose you to be my little boy.

Happy 8th Birthday!

Love,
Mom

A Newfound Hope

It's been a week and a half since I wrote about the potential of having a spinal fusion next year. A week and a half of time for me to do more research and really think on it. As long as my insurance approves everything, my decision is made. I'm doing it. It's time. How do I know? Because on and off for probably 22 years whenever surgery was mentioned I was hell bent on saying no. I was terrified. If you tried to convince me to do it, I would argue back. It. Was. NOT. Happening. 
Now though? Now I'm at peace. Of course there are risks and I know there can be complications. I know it will be far from a cakewalk to recover from it. I'm not scared though. Hello! Girl with epic anxiety here, and I'm not scared! That's how at peace I feel about it. Granted, the surgery is a good 10 months away, and I know anxieties will creep in. I may get nervous and scared at some point, but this is huge for me.

It's not the surgery itself that even makes me all that nervous (although having someone drill into your vertebrae isn't necessarily something you want someone doing to you), because I'll be out. I'll have no memory of being under for 8+ hours. The recovery is what has hung me up even more in the past. A week in the hospital, 3 months of major recovery and up to a year or more to feel fully recovered. Plus there's a risk of nerve damage so I may have some numb or new areas with shooting pains until they heal (which can take a year or two). 

All that said, the risk is worth it because I've tried everything else and I'd rather take the chance that I'll have less daily pain than I have now. 

I think the key to a successful healing is going to be following the doctor's orders completely (and not pushing myself to do more like I generally do), and to stay positive. I know it won't be easy, but I think a good attitude can help you have an easier recovery.

I have realized that my daily quality of life is not what it used to be. I complain so much more than I used to about it. It affects the activities that I do. I don't even think I can bowl anymore without wrenching it pretty badly. Just walking hurts. I'll still push myself to walk some days, but I've been in more pain since going to the Dells because we walked 10k+ steps each day. Inclines really get me. Not sure why, but it's not fun.

I've started waking up each day and thinking, "A year from now I should be recovering and hopefully starting to find some relief." I realized that for once I am feeling something I haven't felt in a really long time. Hope.

I'm dreaming of the things I could do if the surgery goes well and I have good results from it. 

Things like:

• walking more than a mile without sharp stabbing pains
• going back to the Rocky Mountains with my sister and going on long hikes
• carrying in my groceries without pain
• standing in a line or just standing up for longer periods of time without fighting the pain and wanting to burst into tears
• running a 5k. You read that right. Maybe pain free Rachel would actually like to run. Probably not, but I wouldn't know. Just one. That's all I want to do to prove to myself I could do it.
• going a day without saying, "OW! My back and hips are KILLING me"
• going on the Amazing Race (okay...maybe not, but I've always wanted too, and I knew my back would stop me.) It's fun to dream. And let's face it...I'd probably roll my ankle within the first 5 minutes of filming anyway.

I just really pray that this surgery will make life even better.

Be Strong and Courageous

I've written about having scoliosis many times over the years. It generally happens when I'm experiencing more pain. It's been a way to help myself cope with it and show myself that I can always push through it. 

One thing that I have always remained adamant about it that I will not have surgery to have rods placed in my back. I've seen a handful of doctors over the years. My first doctor did recommend surgery when I was done growing and had finished wearing my back brace. This would have been the late 90's. At that time my curve was around 40 degrees. I had experienced no pain at all and couldn't fathom why I would want a major surgery for something that didn't bother me. It all seemed too risky and painful.

In my mid-20's I started noticing a twinge of pain here and there, or I'd tweak the same spot in my back frequently.

By the time I hit my 30's the word chronic pain was officially in my vocabulary. My insurance was somewhere between crappy and non-existent so I just dealt with it and would go to an urgent care when the pain would get really bad. I'd get a shot of Toradol, some muscle relaxers and if I was lucky a few actual pain killers. It was usually enough for me to push through it and I'd start feeling better.

I remember getting referred to an orthopedic doctor once when Daniel was 4 and James was 1. I went in optimistically thinking he'd have a solution for me. He looked at me and said, "You need surgery. There is nothing I can do to help you except a spinal fusion. You won't able to pick up your kids. You're going to be down and out for months. But that's all I can offer you." I left that appointment so disheartened that I got into my van and sobbed.

Then a couple of years ago I was referred to my current orthopedic doctor. I went in feeling very leery. He was amazing. He sent me for an MRI, did x-rays and sat and talked to me with compassion and empathy. He suggested I try cortisone injections and then talked with me about surgery. He didn't push it though. He told me the older you get, the harder it is, but to not let that make me feel like I HAD to do it. He also said that just because it gets harder and possibly more complicated, it can still be done.

My hopes for the injections were quickly dashed when I found out that without insurance it was going to cost me something in the thousands of dollars range...so I did what I always do. Pushed through. (Well...first I cried again...then I pushed through). Then just over a year ago I was finally able to try the injections. The positive was that it worked SO well. The negative was that it lasted about 2 days and then the pain came back. You guys... For those 2 days I was like Grandpa Joe in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I he got out of bed and started dancing around. 

I would say this past year has been the hardest on me. When I mention chronic pain, I truly mean pain that never goes away. It's always there. Some days it's my "normal" pain. (FYI...there should never be a normal pain). Other days I hurt pretty badly. I have stretches where I hurt for weeks on end and live in fear that this will be the time the worse pain just doesn't subside. But even on those days, I can smile right at you and tell you I'm fine. I'd also like to just put it out there that I'm pretty sure if I took an entire bottle of Advil (disclaimer: I am NOT) it wouldn't touch the pain.

I made an appointment over a month ago to meet with my ortho again and see about trying injections again. Today was the day. This past week leading up to it I kept thinking, "He's going to bring up surgery again, so brace yourself." Then a few nights ago I found myself watching YouTube videos and reading up on spinal fusions...and you know what? I actually started considering it.

I went in with an open mind today. We did x-rays. We talked. And while I'm still not entirely sure, I think this is something that I am now strongly considering. I have time to think and pray, as I don't want to have it until late next spring when preschool is done. 

If you don't know what a spinal fusion is, here's just a small definition:

Spinal fusion is surgery to permanently connect two or more vertebrae in your spine, eliminating motion between them.

Spinal fusion involves techniques designed to mimic the normal healing process of broken bones. During spinal fusion, your surgeon places bone or a bonelike material within the space between two spinal vertebrae. Metal plates, screws and rods may be used to hold the vertebrae together, so they can heal into one solid unit.

It's invasive. It's a major surgery that takes 8+ hours to complete. It's a week long stay in the hospital. It's a 3 month recovery. It's enduring more pain to hopefully walk away with less pain. At the present time my curve is 65 degrees. Unfortunately, it is also severely arthritic...meaning it's stiff as a board and doesn't have much flexibility in it. This means that it will be harder to correct. He thinks he can get the curve back down to around 35 degrees. 

If I choose to do this, it really will take a village. But I already have family and friends jumping onboard to support me and say that they will help. I just pray that I will ultimately make the right choice for me.

Banged Up in Boulder

Our evening in Boulder deserves to be documented.

We left the house around 5:45 after debating if we should go because there was a possibility of rain. We were planning to walk around a shopping and food district to check out some shops and eat dinner.

When we got there Erica was going to park in a parking lot, but decided she didn't like it and picked a parking garage.

We pulled in and she started to panic. Why? Because before my brother-in-law left for his trip he forgot to take the car top carrier off the van, so she's just been driving around with it on. I asked what was wrong and she said, "I don't think I'm going to fit!" I told her she was probably fine to which she replied, "Rachel, I just hit the sign hanging from the ceiling!" We try backing up and a car was actually leaving so we nabbed the spot right near the entrance/exit.

She put Leo in the stroller and decided to let Katie walk. We started heading into the shopping and eating district. She figured we'd just walk down a few blocks and see what there was for food and then loop back around and go the other way. 

The sidewalk narrowed a little and I let Katie and Erica go ahead of me. I was pushing the stroller still and I happened to notice there were 2 homeless women up ahead. I really didn't think much of it. I didn't make eye contact. I was looking at Leo. I never even spoke. I passed the first woman who had been standing up against the building. 

"WHACK!"

Something had just hit me hard on the top of my shoulder and part of my head! It felt like someone had pelted a dodgeball at me. I really thought I was hit by a ball.

I yelled out and turned around just as the 2nd lady yelled at the one that hit me, "What did you do that for?!" She was backing up at this point and holding the mat all rolled up and glaring at me.

We walked away and Erica and I were just baffled. She thought the lady just kinda hit me slightly on my leg or something. We stopped after a half a block and we were laughing, but the more I thought about it the more stressed out I felt. Why would she do that to me?! About then a woman approached me and asked if I was okay? She she 4 other people saw it happen and were just as shocked about what they had just seen.

We realized there were 2 police cars another block down and I decided I needed to at least report the incident. The lady actually flagged one down for me and she gave her account as well. I said I didn't really want to press charges because I wasn't hurt. I was startled, but not injured. He did say he would try to locate and speak with her. He needed to do something in his vehicle first so he took my number and we headed back down the street but on the opposite side. (Side note…I'm glad the lady came with me because she was able to supply more of a description of the woman than I could)

Halfway down the block I realized she crossed over and was walking towards us. She was staring directly at me and spinning her hat around. I'm not totally proud of this, but I abandoned my sister and the kids ( it was clear she didn't care at all about them) and I hightailed it back to the officer. Thankfully after that he went to find her and was successful.

He called me and told me he located her and she denied it, but he said she had the yoga mat and the more she talked the more sure he was that it was her. 

He said she is definitely mentally unstable. If I had to guess, she was probably high as well. He told her to collect her stuff and get out of there. He gave her a warning that way if there was another incident he would arrest her. He said I could press harassment charges too but I didn't want the hassle of going to the police station. Honestly I just didn't want her to haul off and hit someone else!

I'm thankful it was just a yoga mat and not a baseball bat. I'd be in the hospital. You wouldn't think a yoga mat would hurt but home girl had a strong arm. And I'm glad she didn't go after the kids!

We finally decided to eat. We should have just left the area, but we decided to torture ourselves more. We ordered our food and Katie was melting down. I was still half shaken and not the most helpful aunt on the planet because the constant sound of whining was stressing me out. And of course Leo wanted his bottle during this time too.

As we had been looking for a place to eat I saw a Ben and Jerry's and declared that we were getting that after we ate. After that fiasco I decided we could just grab something from a drive thru because we just needed to get back to the van which was several blocks away. 

Katie would stop every few feet and start crying and whining. (She didn't want carried though) By this point I'm turning around going, "Katie! What is wrong? Walk and stop whining girl!" Erica finally scooped her up and carried her couple blocks while she kicked and screamed. Then a block from the parking garage she let her walk again, where she proceeded to whine and walk slowly, but we finally made it. Now all we had to contend with was 2 kids screaming in the backseat.

You'd think this would be the end, but oh no. Remember the panic because the van wouldn't fit up or down the ramps in the parking garage? Well, it was 1 way so that was the only way out. I told her to forget that. Back out and go the wrong way. The exit was very close. She backed up and I had to get out and make sure no one was coming down the ramp to exit. I motioned her on but the turn was REALLY tight so she has to keep backing up and pulling forward to not hit the pole (in their brand new van) . I'm standing there HYSTERICALLY laughing because every time she backed up she was hitting a hanging sign.

She finally gave me the ticket because she couldn't line up with the machine to pay. I walked to that side of the van and had to wedge myself between the van and the machine. Meanwhile, in the van Erica couldn't find her credit card. She passed another out the window and I told her, "Whatever you do, do NOT pull forward. You'll run me over" I finally get the dumb machine to take the card and I feel the van start to move forward. Please note again that I am wedged in there. I hit the van with my fist and she braked and then started moving again. I panicked and started hitting the van harder and yelling at her to stop. She's yelling back, "I have to go!" She was afraid the barricade arm was going to close. I got out of my predicament and finally got in the van (all the while a car was behind us this entire time waiting to exit, so I'm sure they enjoyed the show.

I told her to get out of Boulder now! She kept saying, "Sorry. I had to pull forward so the gate wouldn't close and then we'd be stuck and have to pay again." I'm going, "You didn't want to pay another $3, but you were cool with RUNNING MY FEET OVER with your van?!?!" At this point we were hysterical. We laughed so hard we cried.

We drove through DQ when we got back to Longmont and I said, "Here's what's happening when we get home. I'm going to put my ice cream in the freezer. Then I'm taking a hot shower and I'm going to enjoy this ice cream in silence when the kids are asleep and we watch a movie. That's exactly what I did. Let's hope Rocky Mountain National Park is less exciting today.