In All Things, Give Thanks

I feel like I've been down in the dumps with a lot of my posts lately, so I figure it's about time to find some cheer and positivity. 

Here are just some of the things I am thankful for right now.

1. A God who loves me and has carried me through being sick. He has given me strength on days where I don't feel strong at all.

2. My kids. Being a mom isn't easy, but I am so lucky to have Daniel and James in my life. They are the best.

3. An amazing family. A mom who drops everything to come be with her sick adult child and to take care of her grandkids. And a dad and sisters who check in to see how I'm doing, or say random things to make me laugh.

4. Actual health care coverage that isn't going to put me into debt from my recent hospital stay.

5. Friends who check in. All the Facebook messages, texts, calls (for the few of you that I'll answer my phone for!), have given me encouragement. The amount of people who dropped things off for the boys and I when we were quarantined just blew me away. So many Halloween treats (like TOO many!), medicine, care packages, and even a gift card to order pizza so I wouldn't have to worry about supper. I may be an introvert, but knowing that people will be there when you need them is a very nice feeling too.

6. That the boys have a dad that will help take care of them, and that is willing to get along so that the boys lives aren't complicated. He has helped quite a few times these past few weeks, and it's been very helpful to me.

7. That I have an EXTERMELY understanding job. I am so thankful to the church where I work for allowing all of this recovery time. I hate being gone. I really wanted to go back this week, but I just don't see it happening. People have stepped in to sub for preschool and Kid's Club. My co-workers have all checked in on me multiple times too. 

8. I was still able to get out on a couple short drives to see the leaves at their peak. It was beautiful.

9. If I need to boost my spirits, I can jam out to Christmas music.

10. I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed and food.

Covid Chronicles -The Extended Version

Well, here we go. I suppose I missed out on my blog a day in November, but that's life.

I figured it was about time to document my journey with Covid since I've blogged and shared my opinions on it for the past year and a half. I would say, I'll try to make it brief, but I'm long winded, so just quit reading when you get bored. It's mostly here for my own memories.

Saturday, October 24th, I got to spend my entire day working at the pumpkin patch and it was glorious. I felt 100% fine (minus the bee that decided to fly down into my sock and sting my ankle). I had no idea that I was about to come crashing down within the next 12 hours.

My plan for the weekend had been to hit up some fun local Halloween festivities. Then I got called to work at the patch, and decided we would cram in a couple of things on Sunday. When I woke up, I just felt off. My sinuses were plugged, my body ached (but what else is new?) and I was freezing. The being cold is what actually caught my attention. My normal body temperature always runs a bit low. Usually about 97.5, and it was 100.5 when I took it. We canceled our plans for the day, and while James was bummed, Daniel was happy about having a stay at home day. I had a couple of home rapid tests up in the closet and figured I'd take one just for fun. It came back negative, so I figured it was just a lovely little bug I picked up. In fact, I blamed the bee!

I stayed home from work on Monday since I had a fever all day on Sunday. Took the boys to school and rested all day. No fever. By Tuesday, I woke up feeling worse. I knew the fever was back and I just felt like I was weighted down. I took the boys to school, came home and took another rapid test. Within 3 minutes I had 2 pink lines. Not pregnant. Just Covid. That meant I had to go back to school and pick up James. Daniel was still in the 90 day window from having it already and was allowed to continue going to school. James and I went to the Health Dept. so I could get an "official" test (basically so they have documentation and I don't have to quarantine again if I get exposed within the 90 day window), and to get James tested. His came back with a faint positive and honestly I think he probably had already had it for almost a week and I just assumed it was allergies. He fared well. 

I had a fever for 7 of the first 8 days. Never higher than 100.5, but no fun. Zero energy. I think I lost taste by about the 3rd or 4th day. I was also very nauseous for several days.  The cough started to set in too. Still, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. In fact, at first I said the Covid was easy compared to whatever sickness it was I had back in the summer of 2020. That was a 2 week recovery and it sucked. Although, I still think I was in way more actual pain from that sickness.

Then came day 10. You know...the point where you'd think you'd be starting to round the corner? I knew something was off that day. I did NOT feel right at all. It was James' last day in quarantine and his birthday was the following day. I was not going to let it get me down. Every muscle in my body hurt. I borrowed a pulse oximeter from a friend and noticed when I moved around more my oxygen would drop. Getting up the stairs was awful. My legs burned, my arms burned, and it felt like I was trying to climb Everest. I tucked the boys in, and went back down to set up for James' birthday and about passed out trying to hang up a banner.

I promised myself that in the morning after I took the boys to school that I would drive to Springfield to urgent care and get checked out. It seemed like a waste of resources to go to the ER. That morning I let James open one present and his card and let them know I was going to the doctor that morning. My pulse ox was dropping into the low 90's, so after I dropped Daniel off I knew that I needed to head somewhere. I just felt this nudge from God that I needed to just get myself to the ER. If it wasn't bad, they would send me home.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes trying to decide if I REALLY needed to be seen. I finally headed in and within 5 minutes I was in a room hooked up to an EKG machine because my heart was racing so fast. Then 6 hours of "fun" ensued in the ER. Chest x-rays, fluids, meds, CT scan. At one point I requested my nurse move my IV because it was hurting me. The first move ended up blowing a vein. 3rd time was a charm though. I was diagnosed with double pneumonia and the attending doctor was not happy with my pulse ox or heart rate and decided that I needed to be admitted. So much for a quick trip to the ER!

Thankfully Jacob was able to get off early to come back to town and get the boys. My mom messaged me and asked me if she should come...and as much as I didn't want to burden her, sometimes a girl just really needs her mom. She was on her way as soon as she could be. And once she got here was able to get a bag dropped at the hospital for me, and have Jacob help by picking her up at my house and going to get my van from the hospital.

Sleep didn't really happen the first night. I was attached to an IV and heart monitor. My IV port enjoyed sounding alarms at various times just because. Plus, I was kind of freaked out. At about 6:30 that evening my hands and arms felt like they were falling asleep. But no amount of movement was helping. They were weighted down. Then my legs started in, so I called in the nurse. Within an hour my face was tingling too. She called my doctor and then decided to put me on low flow oxygen. The general consensus was that my body was just not getting quite enough oxygen. And did you know it's possible to hyperventilate without even knowing it? Me either. Not until my doctor told me that it's likely what happened. The tingling and heaviness lasted into the middle of the night, but by morning was gone!

The next day was just kind of a blur. Answering messages, talking to my mom and the boys, binge watching SVU and being hooked up to monitors. But my O2 was staying up, and I found out I'd likely be released the following day. 

I just have to say, that although hospitals can suck, I felt genuinely cared for at TMH. The staff in the ER and the 2nd floor were amazing to me...and from what I could taste of the food, that wasn't too bad either.

I was only in the hospital a little over 48 hours, but man oh man did it feel good to be back in my own house. I came home to a clean house. The boys got to go to Jacob's for the weekend, which meant I was able to rest and relax with my mom and pray she didn't go insane from listening to my cough.

She headed home on Monday...and I'll admit, I cried as she drove away. I'm so very thankful for her.

I was a bit naïve when it came to this whole healing thing. Yeah, the Covid is what caused the pneumonia, and even though it sucked, I could probably handle the Covid end of it again, but the pneumonia got me good. I finished 2 of the meds I was on, and am still taking another, plus using an inhaler as needed. My heart likes to race. I get winded easily. I really had this thought in my head that by about Wednesday, I'd be really on the move. Haha! Not how recovery goes...but I did at least have a bit more energy today. Like 40% instead of 20. I feel like people must think I'm milking it at this point, but I can sincerely say I have never had the life so sucked out of me before.

With each day that passes though, I know that God is helping my body to heal. My immune system is pretty jacked up right now, so it's going to take awhile to get back on track, but I'm going to get there. There are so many people worse off than I was, so I am very thankful that while this has been a trying experience, that I'm still here kickin' for my boys.

If you read all of this, congratulations. You don't win anything, but thanks for being a sport and following me on this journey to remember. And thank you so much for those who have been praying. 

7th Birthday Letter

 Dear James,

Today is your 7th birthday! This year I'm typing this from my phone in a hospital bed. I'm so glad I got to sing to you this morning and that I let you open a present and your card. I'm glad that you get to celebrate with your dad and that Mimi T. is coming to hang out with you boys. Meredith from Happy Baked Goods even made a special delivery since I couldn't pick up your birthday cookies!

It's been kind of a crazy year for you. You did e-learning and partial school days for kindergarten. I'm sorry that you kind of got robbed of the full experience. So far this year, school has been "normal". You're still wearing masks, but things are less strict. Unfortunately, you've missed a couple of weeks of school due to quarantines, but you can say you had Covid and you were a champ.

You seem to love first grade. Mrs. Lively is your teacher and you tell me all the time how much you love school and how nice she is. You don't tell me much of what you actually do, but I know you're having fun. I'm so proud of you. You go to 2nd grade 2 days a week for reading because you're ahead of the curve. You're very smart, not always humble about it though!

This summer we took a road trip to Nebraska and you're still talking about it. Especially the huge wind storm we went through. We also met cousin Katie for the first time too! 

You are still very very dramatic. It drives me crazy and you know it. Maybe 7 is the magic number to end the drama? Probably not. You're always STARVING to death and when things don't go your way you say, "Nobody loves me". I know you know that's not true though. 

This past week you started asking a lot of questions about death, heaven and God. You ended up praying and asking Jesus into your heart one night before bed. 

You are my holiday loving child who embraces my decor and love of pumpkin patches. Pretty sure you don't love corn mazes anymore, but you do love apple cider donuts! You even insisted on getting your own little pumpkin for your bedroom. Penny and the pumpkin patch told you that you have a lot of your momma in you. 

I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. You always tell me you love me and hug me 84753 times a day. I'm so glad that you are my little boy. You're growing up too fast though. 

Happy Birthday, Goose!

Love,

Mom

"I'm Fine"

I found this picture the other night, and it really resonated with me. I know that I can sound like a broken record at times, and honestly I kind of feel like one. Someone who doesn't deal with chronic pain probably can't always comprehend what every day pain is like. I have what I refer to as "normal pain" and then "higher pain or flare ups" There's never a day when I wake up and feel no pain at all. The closest I got was last year when I got the epidural injections in my back. They worked for about 2 days, and I felt like Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka for those 2 glorious days when I got up in the morning. 

During the low pain days and weeks I really don't say much, but on the days when it's worse, it's hard to not complain. I do it more online than face to face though. It's given me a deeper empathy for others who struggle, and I always remind myself at the end of the day, that there is always someone far worse off than me surviving, so I can do it too.

Back to the picture I mentioned:

I can relate to each of those bullet points. My go to answer is always, "I'm fine!" or "Oh, I'm hanging in there!". I thought I'd share my thoughts on all the bullets though, and what goes on in my own mind,

• I'm having a good pain day
• On days like that, it's just the normal pain, so I really am "fine"
• I'm pretending to feel fine to help myself cope better.
• I'm a push through the pain kinda girl and if I am in pain (especially around a bunch of people), I'm going to fake it 'til I make it. If all I do is focus on the pain, I'm not going to get through whatever it is I need to be doing. Some days it's just cleaning the house. I'll start and then feel the pain coming on, but I push myself every time to just keep going because I don't want to give up. Or, if I'm at work and I see something that needs done, I'm just going to do it. I have finally started relying on my co-workers more and actually asking for help more if I need something heavy picked up and moved...but I still feel bad asking. And you will always see me smiling in pictures and trying to go out and have fun with my kids, because you know what? Life is short and I'd rather make memories and be in pain, than not get to enjoy those moments with my kids.
• I'm straight up lying. I feel horrible, but explaining it doesn't benefit you or me.
• I lie a lot when it comes to talking to people I don't know very well, or for the ones that I know will want to give me unsolicited advice. Most advice givers have the best of intentions, but after years and years of people telling me, "You should try this essential oil.", "Have you tried Advil?" "Do a yoga class", "You need to totally change your diet.", Just rest and put some heat on it." I know in my heart that most people are trying to help, but I just end up feeling defeated. And for those wondering, I:
• have tried creams, oil, CBD oil etc.
• taken every OTC anti-inflammatory known to man
• taken exercise classes with stretching
• gone to physical therapy
• tried prescription meds....and so much more.
• I don't feel well, but explaining it tires me.
• Yup
• I don't want to be seen as complaining
• Yet here I am. If I'm in any situation around people that aren't my very close friends or family, I may say something like, "My back hurts more today than usual". If I say that it really means, "Holy crap...this hurts and I really want to go home and cry." This happened recently at an event. By the time I got home, I had to pause climbing the stairs and then I just laid out flat on my bedroom floor for 20 minutes trying to stretch out the pain. (Unfortunately, the pain from that night is still flaring 23 days later.)
• I know you really don't care how I am feeling.
• This depends on the person. I know who is genuine, and who isn't. And that's fine. I know it's annoying to hear someone complain.

Anyway, just a big thank you to those of you listen to me complain on here. Sometimes I just need to get it out. Sometimes, writing is a healing outlet for me. Especially when it's so hard to get a medical professional to listen to you and understand. What I'm feeling is NOT normal. Here's hoping I can get somewhere with my doctor this week!

Church Hurt and Closure

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, but I haven't been sure where to start, or how it would be received. I want to get my own feelings unapologetically written down, while also being mindful of others. Out of respect, I will not be using names.

Back in June, I began a second job at DMCC. (The church where I teach preschool) It was a job that had been brought up to me a few times over a one year span. I initially declined it. Then, I decided maybe I should consider it, but things happened. Life happened. Divorce happened. A dang pandemic happened. So, I once again put it on the back burner. It never fully left my mind though. It was always just kind of lingering in the background.

The job was just being created. It was essentially to do outreach for the church and focus on the younger generation (kids-40ish). I really went back and forth a lot. Mainly because I had a church home, and I really didn't know how DMCC would take it if I was doing this particular job, but attending and actively involved in another church within the community. Pastor Bill was okay with that, and thought the church would be as well.

Earlier this year I really started feeling God nudging me more toward this job, but I was still unsure. I even emailed my own pastor and his wife for advice. They said they would love to meet and would set up a time to do so, but that never happened. Yes, I could have taken the initiative to set something up, but that next Sunday, the pastor preached on using our gifts to serve others. I had this peace wash over me. I COULD use my gifts in both churches to serve God and his people. It shouldn't matter where you are going, as long as God is the forefront. I let Pastor Bill know that I was ready to move forward. The next step was to meet with the Personnel Committee. They had questions and concerns...and one was about the 2 churches. I explained my thoughts and they were okay with it, and decided that if I wanted the job, that it could move to the board for a vote. I was voted in near the end of May and began my job on June 7th. 

I let my own pastor know by email the decision that I had made in May. I never got a response, but continued on at Calvary. I was singing in worship team (something that truly made me happy and helped me really connect with God). I was attending other events. I was presented a gift for volunteering at the church. I was greeted by the leadership as I always had been.

Calvary was my "home" for 6 years. It was the first time I finally felt like I was where I was meant to be. I made friends. I loved to worship each Sunday. I was growing.

It wasn't until the end of June that I got burned. I didn't even see it coming. Someone on staff contacted me about the job I took. Asked me questions. My brain wasn't even processing everything that was being asked and I don't even know what I was saying in return. When I get put on the spot it's like my brain turns to mush and I have an out of body experience. I tried to explain the position, but with it being new, it was hard to fully describe what I was doing. 

I do remember a few of the things that were said to me. I was told that it was "weird" several times, that I was working for one church while going to another. I was told that while I wasn't being told that I needed to step down from worship team, that it didn't "sit right" that I was up in front of Calvary on Sunday mornings and doing outreach somewhere else. I was told that the church I'm working for has way different beliefs than Calvary, which also was weird and didn't sit right. (The church is far more traditional and there are a few things done differently...but both churches believe in God, baptism by immersion etc,).
And my favorite analogy was when I was informed that I was "dating two churches" and that seemed wrong. I of course acted fine on the phone because that's just me. 

As soon as I hung up, my brain caught up, and I burst into tears. I felt so deflated. My spirt was completely crushed. I do better with words when I write, so after crying all day, I composed another email to the pastor and his wife. I explained in detail, my feelings. How hurt I felt. How I didn't understand why nothing was said to me until that point. I let him know that I was stepping down from worship team effective immediately and really didn't think I would be back at Calvary after that.

His reply was basically that he'd rather speak in person...something I was not comfortable with. I felt like I would be headed into the lion's den with the other leadership being present as well. He said he'd like to discuss this, and didn't want to see me go. But, how could I continue to go to a church where I wouldn't be welcomed to serve?  I was made to feel that I did something wrong. I did send one more reply, to which I never received a response.

I've spend the summer going through a range of emotions. Deep hurt. Anger. Greif. I have missed it. 

Last night I attended a wedding there. It was my first time back in the building. It didn't feel like "home" anymore. It wasn't bad by any means, but it just didn't feel right. I was happy to see some people that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice to get hugs. Some people said hello. I have no idea who even knows I've been gone, honestly. No one reached out to me. I told a couple closer friends what was going on. They were amazing to me and still are. One thing that struck me was that 2 people told me (one former member and one current) that Calvary doesn't interact with other churches. I realized that was true...so it made more sense to me why things happened the way they did.

For the most part, I truly just miss the people. The ones who prayed with me. Did Life Group with me. Who loved me and the boys. Who supported me through a divorce. Who were there through many of life's ups and downs. I'll always be thankful for the years I had there and the people who positively influenced my life and those to continue to do so. I don't hold ill feelings toward the church in general, I love so many people there. I just wish things had panned out differently.

But, at the same time, I do believe everything happens for a reason. God already knew what was going to happen. I'm enjoying the work I've started doing at DMCC. I'm learning to come out of my shell a bit more. I've taken a church hiatus for the time being. I do watch services online sometimes, but sometimes it takes a while to heal. I am thankful for DMCC for welcoming me with open arms and for the people I have met there as well. Hopefully I will be able to continue to serve there and with the help of God,  see the church begin to grow.