Not All Anxiety is Normal

WARNING: Long post ahead!

I said in my last post that I got my anxiety under control this past year and that I would write more about it in another post.

I know that I've joked about it from time to time, but a few months ago I finally did something about it and have been on anti-anxiety medicine for about 4 months. I can't even begin to explain how much better I've felt in those 3 months!

I'll try to start from the beginning...although I'm not quite sure where the beginning actually is. I've been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. I dwell on things that many people wouldn't even have a second thought about. I am a worrier, but took it to the extreme. I let EVERYTHING stress me out. I experienced headaches, tightness in my chest and I cried all the time. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I cried at least once a week from somewhere in my teenage years on. That was normal to me. It was my release.

I would say that my anxiety got worse when Jacob and I got married. It wasn't because of Jacob though, although I'm sure he felt that way at times. Moving was a HUGE thing for me. It took me a long long time to stop thinking of Iowa as my home and accepting that Illinois IS my home. I was ridiculously homesick.  I hated that I didn't know anyone in Taylorville. I felt like a stranger who didn't belong. Silly things stressed me out. Things like, WalMart was backwards. It wasn't the same as my old store. Where would we take our car when it needed repairs? Would I ever learn the new cable channels? I don't know THESE news anchors! I mean, seriously. I was actually legitimately upset about that.

Jacob suggested many times that maybe I should talk with a doctor about getting some kind of anti-anxiety medicine, but I was stubborn. I didn't feel like I truly needed that. I didn't want a drug controlling me or my thoughts. I needed that control.

Once I had Daniel the anxiety only got worse. I didn't think much of it for awhile. After all, everyone tells you that your hormones take a long while to get back to normal and I knew that I didn't have postpartum depression, so I just went with it. Little did I know that there is a lesser known thing called postpartum anxiety!

I knew that it was normal to have more worry once you have a child, because you of course want to keep them safe from everything. I had said that I would put Daniel in his bed from night one. Instead he ended up right next to me in his bouncy seat. (Although, this turned out to be FAR more ideal for those night time feedings), but I really needed him there to make sure he was okay. I would wake up constantly and have to put my hand on his stomach to feel it rise and fall.

Once he moved to his own room, he of course didn't sleep through the night, but anytime that I woke up that he wasn't awake I HAD to go in his room to check on him. We even had the AngelCare monitor to alert us if there was no movement.

I was constantly plagued with this horrible feeling that someone would kidnap him. I knew that my thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking of these things. In fact, I never even shared a lot of that with Jacob because I thought he would think I was nuts! I was afraid someone would pick up his little car seat carrier and just walk off with him if I turned my back at the store. I couldn't focus when we started going to a new church and put him in the nursery. I had this fear that someone would come in and take him, and the nursery workers wouldn't know that he wasn't supposed to go with them.

As it turns out...anxiety isn't just worry and fear. It can also cause anger. I was very moody and snippy with Jacob. I couldn't even share a bed with him because his snoring made me irrationally angry. I would get so mad that I would kick him really hard, and my mind would race with angry thoughts. He would try to tell me that I wasn't myself, but I was convinced that he took up snoring after Daniel was born because this had never bothered me before.

Oh yeah...and then I had a few OCD tendencies pop up too. Things that I HAD to recheck several times. Things that I HAD to do in a certain order. Things that HAD to be done a certain way.

When Daniel was about 8 months I ended up with really bad poison ivy, so I went to the doctor. I decided while I was there I would bring some of this up. I basically started describing some of my anxiety, and pretty much without batting an eye, she told me I just needed some "me" time. I needed to get out and go shopping with friends or go to a movie alone. Yada yada yada. Well guess what? When money is one of your biggest anxiety triggers you don't get to go out and have "me" time doing stuff like that very often!

Things never got better, and I just kept living with it that way. I told Jacob that I would talk to my OB/GYN when I went for my yearly in April, because I felt like I could open up with her. Of course, I ended up having to reschedule my appointment and couldn't get in until June. As soon as I started explaining to her how I was feeling and what was going on, I could see a look of understanding in her eyes. She understood me! I started bawling. Let's face it. You know you have a great doctor when you're comfortable enough to open up, cry, and all the while be sitting there with just a thin sheet of paper covering you up! I'm SO thankful for her. She spent at least 20 extra minutes with me and explained to me that although I've had anxiety for so long, I had probably been dealing with postpartum anxiety and my hormones never settled back down.

She explained some options and in then decided to try a different birth control for 2  months. If that didn't work she was putting me on anxiety medicine. She promised to have her nurse call me at the 2 month mark, and sure enough she did. I told her when she called I was very nervous about it, but to go ahead an call it in.

Jacob was really proud of me for taking that step and I was proud too. I was still scared though. Imagine that. Being anxious! The first few days were a little rough. Well, the first day not so much, but that next few I had some nasty headaches. Once I got past those, it was smooth sailing. I didn't really notice much right away and didn't expect to, but slowly I started to feel the difference!

Then I started noticing that little things weren't bothering me as much. Apparently the dishes CAN sit in the sink for a couple of hours without getting washed. (Last night I even left a few overnight...I know, right?)
I don't necessarily like it, but I know it isn't the end of the world. Oh, and the blanket on the couch? If it doesn't get folded before bed each night, I don't want to punch a wall. In fact, a few weeks ago I left it unfolded for a WEEK just to prove to myself that the world wouldn't end.

I don't have to check on Daniel every time I wake up, because I can convince myself that he's fine. I don't have this fear that he isn't breathing or that someone broke in and kidnapped him. I also don't have to get up and come out into the living room or dining room to make sure there are no intruders. The medicine helped to calm that part of my mind down. I'm not saying that there isn't the occasional time that this doesn't happen. Maybe once a month or so I have to check on Daniel because I wake up with a *feeling* like I need to. And before I go to bed, I go in to check on him...and I'm totally that mom from "Love You Forever" except I don't crawl or rock him. I do peek up over the side of his bed and kiss him though. If anyone ever catches me driving to his house when he's an adult and climbing into his room with a ladder, you have my permission to commit me.

I can share a bed with my husband! He was kind of scared to even try, but it was like the ultimate test of my meds. You know what? He still snores. It still bothers me at times. It does NOT stir up an uncontrollable rage inside of me. I don't kick him anymore. I do the occasional shake or light push, to try to get him to roll over, but it's so much better now!

In general I just feel better. I don't stress like I did. I do still stress, but I'd say it's more in the normal range. I used to go into a full on panic when we had to spend money on anything. (I had the ultimate panic attack when our air broke. I think that was the moment I KNEW I wanted to try medicine). Now when things have come up, I feel that little twinge inside of me, but my first reaction is more of a deep breath or sigh and not just about having a heart attack.

I don't cry like I did either. I've only cried twice in 4 months. TWICE. Once when my mom left after coming to help me when my back hurt so badly and the other watching Steve Carrel's last episode of The Office. Haha!

A couple of weeks ago I went to a dentist appointment. I walked in, sat down and when my name was called my heart didn't start racing like a jackhammer. I didn't enjoy myself, but I wasn't fidgeting and shaking like a leaf the whole time either. Pretty proud!

The few OCD things that had popped up have gotten better. I do still have a few, but I suppose everyone does, right?

I'm thankful for my husband who stuck by me through all of my anxieties and kept encouraging me to do something about it, even if it took me 4 years to listen.

I'm thankful for my OB/GYN for being the best doctor I've ever had.

I'm thankful for realizing that maybe God's answer to my prayers of taking away my anxieties was to actually seek help.

There you have it. If you're reading this and thinking that maybe, just maybe you have anxiety too, I would totally encourage you to talk to a doctor you trust. You might find that you don't have to live with the entire weight of the world on your shoulders!

A Brand New Year

First post of 2014. As I looked back over 2013, I wasn't really that sad to leave it behind like I am some years. It was a good year. Not the best. Not the worst. Just a year. Of course, I have some great memories, mixed in with not so great.

Some of the highlights of 2013 included:

*Daniel FINALLY sleeping through the night at 16 months old!

*Just watching Daniel learn and grow through the entire year!

*Fun little road trips to St. Louis to see the Cardinals play, going the the Science Center and then to the St. Louis Zoo!

*Time spent with both sides of our family, including a VERY impromptu road trip to Iowa so I could plant my butt on the 2nd Ave Bridge to watch the fireworks!

*Our vacation! We spent time at my parents, then traveled up to Minnesota to visit Rachel and Micah, and then back to Iowa for a family get together at Grandma's house!

*Celebrated 4 years of marriage!

*Went to see the Hawkeyes play in the NIT tournament with my Daddio!

*Got a lot of my anxiety under control! (Post to come on that!)

Some of the lows of 2013 included:

*Pain. Pain. Pain. I was plagued with back and hip pain through the year. Spent tons of money on urgent care, doctor visits, drugs, a chiropractor and getting an MRI. Still have pain, but I'm just dealing for now. And with crappy insurance I'm still paying for all of it. (All out of pocket)

*Car problems up the wazoo! Let's see. 2 flat tires. 8 brand new tires. New oil regulator. New wheel bearings and I think brake pads or something like that. And a new alternator. I hope that's it for awhile. Our car maintenance fund is officially lacking!

*Our air conditioner kicked the bucket and we ended up getting a new one and a new furnace. More money.

*Getting many cavities filled. I guess this could be a high and low. Low because, well, cavities and money. High, because I faced my fear of going to the dentist! I still don't like it, but I went for a cleaning a couple of weeks ago and my heart didn't race, and I didn't want to jump out of the chair and run away!

Quite the year!

I'm not setting an resolutions, because let's face it...I will not follow through. I never do. I know what needs to be done, it's just getting up the motivation to do it.

We don't have any big plans this year. At least not right now. I always like having something to look forward too, but so far I have a big blank year staring me in the face! Looks like we'll have to create some adventures! I'm sure there will be several Iowa trips thrown in there. Hopeful to add to our family this year, but we'll see what God has in store for us!

Merry Christmas!

What a fun Christmas week this has been! I've really loved spending time with my boys. Although Daniel is just 2 years old, this was his 3 Christmas, and I have to say that each year has been more fun than the last! I kind of feel the "magic" of Christmas returning. You know. That exciting feeling you had as a kid? That's how I felt!

Christmas Eve was pretty much perfect. Jacob and I even talked about how sometime it feels like Christmas Eve is more exciting than Christmas because there's so much anticipation!

I had to work in the morning, but when I got off, Daniel and I went home and picked up Jacob for a last minute crazy trip to WalMart. It was just about as crowded as I had anticipated, but we had a good time none the less.

We made our traditional junk food. I got Daniel down for a nap. Then Jacob and I popped in Home Alone. Daniel woke up about half way through which was odd for him. He was crying, so I went in and he ended up snuggling with me during almost the rest of the movie. He had a bit of a tummy ache.

Then we watched A Muppet Christmas Carol...one of Jacob's Christmas favorites!

After that we took a break so that I could finish cleaning up the kitchen, get the breakfast casserole ready and get the roast in the crockpot so I wouldn't have to worry about anything in the morning.

Next we went to look at the lights at Christmas in the Park. They had some really cool displays!

Then back home to let Daniel open his Christmas Eve gifts. He got jammies (a new tradition I started last year) and a new book.

This was followed by, A Christmas Story, The Night Before Christmas, read by Daddy, leaving out milk and cookies for Santa (or HoHo) as Daniel calls him. Bedtime for the little guy. And last but not least, the movie that makes it OFFICIALLY Christmas....National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation!

We didn't get to bed until midnight and I was awake by 7:00. I was giddy, but the boys were still asleep. We were finally up and ready to roll by 8.We decided to let Daniel open all of his stuff first, eat breakfast and then open our things. My mom had mailed their gifts to us, so we had a lot to open!

 











It was just so much fun watching him open things. He would pick up each gift and say, "What's this? Ooooh!!!" I think each of his gifts was a hit. He played with everything yesterday.

Jacob and I had fun opening our's too, but I think we'd both agree that watch Daniel was the best! We got some great things from each other and from my parents. I feel pretty blessed to have 2 wonderful sets of parents and a wonderful husband!

The rest of the day was filled with talking to family and playing, playing, playing! I'm very proud to say that Daniel knew that yesterday was Jesus' birthday as well. Very exciting to teach these things to him!

Today I had to work again. I'm glad I took Daniel because it was just me and him. No other kiddos showed up, so we called it a day a half an hour early. Actually, before we even got in the building I discovered my tire was flat, so I called the local place and had them tow it and repair it for me. Thankfully it happened on Jacob's break, because I was able to just take the car seat out and then have him come get us when I was done!

We stopped to pick up my car, dropped it at home and headed on our adventure to Springfield. We hit up Best Buy, Olive Garden for lunch, Target and WalMart. Daniel was so so good. We were really proud of him. I didn't know how he would be without a  nap. He did have a meltdown just before we came home, so I assumed he'd nap on the way back. Nope. He stayed awake. He fell asleep at 7:45 tonight. He was a tired little guy, and I'm a tired Momma, but had a great day!

Tomorrow I work and then we're heading to Villa Grove. We planned to go Saturday but decided today to see if we could come a day early. So, we'll be spending tomorrow night and Saturday night there. Can't wait to celebrate Christmas with Jacob's parents and watch Daniel get excited about his new things again!

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

The Boy

I realized that I haven't made a post about Daniel lately. Well, of course he's in all of my posts, but I always like to write about the things that he does and brag on him a little.

I mentioned in a previous post that he had his 2 year check up. He weighed in at 29 pounds and 36 inches! He's a very tall boy. I finally got on the ball and ordered him a new car seat. He had pretty much outgrown his rear facing (and we all know where I stand on that!). It finally arrived the other day, and he couldn't wait to try it out! He kept climbing into it while I was trying to figure everything out. I think I should get at least another year of rear facing now!

That child never ceases to amaze us. He can count from 1-10 and knows what each number is. He knows all the letters of the alphabet, although not in order. He knows the words to songs that we sing. He can recognize shapes and name some of them. He also knows almost all of his colors. Again, he can identify them, but can't say a few of them.

He insists on calling himself "Baby". I am 100% convinced that he could say it, but now he thinks it's a joke. He'll just giggle and give a big cheesy grin when we say, "What's your REAL name?!"

He likes routine. (Wonder who he got that from? :)) He also puts all of his toys away where they belong. If you put something in the wrong spot he will pick it up and move it to where it goes.

He still loves to read. We read countless numbers of books during the day...but I'm thankful he enjoys it.

He is very good at saying, "Please" and "Thanks", although sometimes he doesn't use them quite right he really tries.

He understands plurals. I mean, what 2 year gets that so well?

We've been working on potty training, but I'm still not hardcore into it. Exciting news though! He pooped on the potty for the first time the other night! Now he talks about how it "plops" all the time. Haha!

He is a total spit fire. His favorite word is, "NO!!!" Sigh. This too shall pass.

He has a memory that is a million times better than mine. He pulls things out of the air that happened several months ago and starts talking about them!

Sometimes I enjoy trying to figure out how his little mind works.

One of my favorite parts of the day is bedtime. Not because I'm ready for some quiet time (although that's a huge perk), but because I love our routine (once I get him settled down). I like reading him stories and then rocking with him. He wasn't a super snuggly baby,  but he's coming around, and I LOVE when he snuggles with me each night! We pray and sing songs before going to bed.

Yeah. He's pretty much the best kiddo I could ever ask for!

Christmas Is in the Air!

We got home from Iowa on Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty uneventful drive. Oh yeah. Except the part when Jacob looked into the backseat to discover Daniel brushing his teeth! What a hilarious kid! He got into his suitcase and took it out of the plastic bag it was in without us even noticing. That's what you get where you're belting out Christmas songs!

Monday I decided to get out the Christmas tree. I was feeling kind of bummed because I don't like when Thanksgiving is so late. Everyone was posting pictures of their trees and I wanted mine up! I decided that it wasn't in my best interest to carry the tree up the stairs, but Jacob wasn't home. I sort of though maybe I could do it without killing my back, so I dragged the box across the basement. I then decided I was not getting up the stairs with that thing. Last year the box fell apart so I duct taped it back together...but it all fell apart again. Finally, common sense took over and I realized I could carry it up one piece at a time. Duh!

Amazingly, it only took me maybe 15 minutes to get it up this year. I'm pretty sure it took WAY longer last year because I had never done it before. I was pretty proud. I even managed to get it decorated before Daniel woke up.

He was very excited about the "Big-a tree!" (He likes to add A's to the end of words lately).









I waited until yesterday to put up my other decorations. I carried them up in small loads in a laundry basket. I didn't put everything out, but I like how everything turned out.

Today, I dropped Lola off at the mechanic. The day we were leaving for Iowa, she decided to start making a weird humming sound, so we decided to take Jacob's car. I'm glad we did. It turned out to be the alternator going bad. Got that all fixed up and kissed a little more money farewell. I really like the place we take our cars though. They are so friendly, and pretty fast too.

I'm feeling some relief as I think I've finally picked a new insurance plan for Daniel and I. It'll cost more, but it's going to cost more no matter what. I feel pretty at peace with it though. I've researched the heck out of stuff and talked to 3 different companies today. This new stuff really sucks, but I'm pretty excited that as of January 1st I will officially have maternity insurance again! :)

We've got snow on the way. 60 degrees today. 30 degrees tomorrow and snow tomorrow night and Friday. Bah Humbug. Guess I'll suck it up and enjoy some Christmas music and maybe even bake something.