A Newfound Hope

It's been a week and a half since I wrote about the potential of having a spinal fusion next year. A week and a half of time for me to do more research and really think on it. As long as my insurance approves everything, my decision is made. I'm doing it. It's time. How do I know? Because on and off for probably 22 years whenever surgery was mentioned I was hell bent on saying no. I was terrified. If you tried to convince me to do it, I would argue back. It. Was. NOT. Happening. 
Now though? Now I'm at peace. Of course there are risks and I know there can be complications. I know it will be far from a cakewalk to recover from it. I'm not scared though. Hello! Girl with epic anxiety here, and I'm not scared! That's how at peace I feel about it. Granted, the surgery is a good 10 months away, and I know anxieties will creep in. I may get nervous and scared at some point, but this is huge for me.

It's not the surgery itself that even makes me all that nervous (although having someone drill into your vertebrae isn't necessarily something you want someone doing to you), because I'll be out. I'll have no memory of being under for 8+ hours. The recovery is what has hung me up even more in the past. A week in the hospital, 3 months of major recovery and up to a year or more to feel fully recovered. Plus there's a risk of nerve damage so I may have some numb or new areas with shooting pains until they heal (which can take a year or two). 

All that said, the risk is worth it because I've tried everything else and I'd rather take the chance that I'll have less daily pain than I have now. 

I think the key to a successful healing is going to be following the doctor's orders completely (and not pushing myself to do more like I generally do), and to stay positive. I know it won't be easy, but I think a good attitude can help you have an easier recovery.

I have realized that my daily quality of life is not what it used to be. I complain so much more than I used to about it. It affects the activities that I do. I don't even think I can bowl anymore without wrenching it pretty badly. Just walking hurts. I'll still push myself to walk some days, but I've been in more pain since going to the Dells because we walked 10k+ steps each day. Inclines really get me. Not sure why, but it's not fun.

I've started waking up each day and thinking, "A year from now I should be recovering and hopefully starting to find some relief." I realized that for once I am feeling something I haven't felt in a really long time. Hope.

I'm dreaming of the things I could do if the surgery goes well and I have good results from it. 

Things like:

• walking more than a mile without sharp stabbing pains
• going back to the Rocky Mountains with my sister and going on long hikes
• carrying in my groceries without pain
• standing in a line or just standing up for longer periods of time without fighting the pain and wanting to burst into tears
• running a 5k. You read that right. Maybe pain free Rachel would actually like to run. Probably not, but I wouldn't know. Just one. That's all I want to do to prove to myself I could do it.
• going a day without saying, "OW! My back and hips are KILLING me"
• going on the Amazing Race (okay...maybe not, but I've always wanted too, and I knew my back would stop me.) It's fun to dream. And let's face it...I'd probably roll my ankle within the first 5 minutes of filming anyway.

I just really pray that this surgery will make life even better.

Be Strong and Courageous

I've written about having scoliosis many times over the years. It generally happens when I'm experiencing more pain. It's been a way to help myself cope with it and show myself that I can always push through it. 

One thing that I have always remained adamant about it that I will not have surgery to have rods placed in my back. I've seen a handful of doctors over the years. My first doctor did recommend surgery when I was done growing and had finished wearing my back brace. This would have been the late 90's. At that time my curve was around 40 degrees. I had experienced no pain at all and couldn't fathom why I would want a major surgery for something that didn't bother me. It all seemed too risky and painful.

In my mid-20's I started noticing a twinge of pain here and there, or I'd tweak the same spot in my back frequently.

By the time I hit my 30's the word chronic pain was officially in my vocabulary. My insurance was somewhere between crappy and non-existent so I just dealt with it and would go to an urgent care when the pain would get really bad. I'd get a shot of Toradol, some muscle relaxers and if I was lucky a few actual pain killers. It was usually enough for me to push through it and I'd start feeling better.

I remember getting referred to an orthopedic doctor once when Daniel was 4 and James was 1. I went in optimistically thinking he'd have a solution for me. He looked at me and said, "You need surgery. There is nothing I can do to help you except a spinal fusion. You won't able to pick up your kids. You're going to be down and out for months. But that's all I can offer you." I left that appointment so disheartened that I got into my van and sobbed.

Then a couple of years ago I was referred to my current orthopedic doctor. I went in feeling very leery. He was amazing. He sent me for an MRI, did x-rays and sat and talked to me with compassion and empathy. He suggested I try cortisone injections and then talked with me about surgery. He didn't push it though. He told me the older you get, the harder it is, but to not let that make me feel like I HAD to do it. He also said that just because it gets harder and possibly more complicated, it can still be done.

My hopes for the injections were quickly dashed when I found out that without insurance it was going to cost me something in the thousands of dollars range...so I did what I always do. Pushed through. (Well...first I cried again...then I pushed through). Then just over a year ago I was finally able to try the injections. The positive was that it worked SO well. The negative was that it lasted about 2 days and then the pain came back. You guys... For those 2 days I was like Grandpa Joe in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I he got out of bed and started dancing around. 

I would say this past year has been the hardest on me. When I mention chronic pain, I truly mean pain that never goes away. It's always there. Some days it's my "normal" pain. (FYI...there should never be a normal pain). Other days I hurt pretty badly. I have stretches where I hurt for weeks on end and live in fear that this will be the time the worse pain just doesn't subside. But even on those days, I can smile right at you and tell you I'm fine. I'd also like to just put it out there that I'm pretty sure if I took an entire bottle of Advil (disclaimer: I am NOT) it wouldn't touch the pain.

I made an appointment over a month ago to meet with my ortho again and see about trying injections again. Today was the day. This past week leading up to it I kept thinking, "He's going to bring up surgery again, so brace yourself." Then a few nights ago I found myself watching YouTube videos and reading up on spinal fusions...and you know what? I actually started considering it.

I went in with an open mind today. We did x-rays. We talked. And while I'm still not entirely sure, I think this is something that I am now strongly considering. I have time to think and pray, as I don't want to have it until late next spring when preschool is done. 

If you don't know what a spinal fusion is, here's just a small definition:

Spinal fusion is surgery to permanently connect two or more vertebrae in your spine, eliminating motion between them.

Spinal fusion involves techniques designed to mimic the normal healing process of broken bones. During spinal fusion, your surgeon places bone or a bonelike material within the space between two spinal vertebrae. Metal plates, screws and rods may be used to hold the vertebrae together, so they can heal into one solid unit.

It's invasive. It's a major surgery that takes 8+ hours to complete. It's a week long stay in the hospital. It's a 3 month recovery. It's enduring more pain to hopefully walk away with less pain. At the present time my curve is 65 degrees. Unfortunately, it is also severely arthritic...meaning it's stiff as a board and doesn't have much flexibility in it. This means that it will be harder to correct. He thinks he can get the curve back down to around 35 degrees. 

If I choose to do this, it really will take a village. But I already have family and friends jumping onboard to support me and say that they will help. I just pray that I will ultimately make the right choice for me.