What 36 Taught Me

36 was a weird but liberating year for me. It didn't start out great. The state was still in the thick of the "Stay at Home Order". Everything was closed down, and I didn't get to even go out to eat on my birthday. Thankfully I have some great people in my life who helped make that day feel extra special.

I've done a lot of evolving in the past year and have been discovering things along the way.

36 taught me that:

• I am strong. Even when I have doubted it. Even when I have spent days crying my eyes out. I rise back up and keep on going. 
• It's never too late to start over, and more importantly, it's OKAY to start over. I had to use a lot of my strength to come to terms with this. It was years in the making. It's okay to leave a situation that is affecting your mental and even physical health.
• I need to set boundaries and I need to stand up for things that I believe in. A friend of mine says, "Speak your truth", and it has really stuck with me. It's something that I need to work on. It's not easy...and I totally wimp out most of the time, but I will say that the times I've been brave enough to do it leaves me feeling proud and accomplished.
• It's okay to accept and ask for help sometimes. That's another thing that doesn't come easily for me, but it's a work in progress.
• Sometimes things don't go as you plan. (Okay...I didn't just learn that). As disheartening as that is though, it usually means that it's not God's plan or not quite His timing. As another friend says, "When things don't go the way we want them to, you have to pull up your bootstraps and press on".
• Home-schooling (aka distance learning) is NOT for me.
• Sometimes all I really need is a full gas tank and some great music to sing along to. Drives do my soul good.
• Self-care is important...and it's okay to go on vacation without your kids so you can actually relax.

I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. It was a roller coaster year of life. I'm talking days where I was beyond happy and days where I cried so many tears I literally dehydrated myself and made myself sick. I made it though! 

Here's to 37! Another year of highs and lows, but I've got this. (With God's help!) Bring on the new opportunities and new memories.

 

Things I Learned in Florida

 

1.Never, I repeat NEVER pack $3 flip flops from WalMart that you've never worn before. Or you might end up limping into a souvenir shop and buying new ones that won't pinch and give you blisters on your very first night.

2. If your sister the marathon runner says we should walk somewhere and it's "not far"...it IS far. You may also end up with a blister the size of a half dollar on the bottom of your foot.

3. My sister is a cheapskate who didn't want to rent beach chairs. Granted, I didn't either, but our attempt to buy cheaper ones to just leave behind, failed. Yolo.

4. Don't fret over every single thing that costs money. Sometimes the adventure is totally worth it. Going parasailing was the best experience, and who knows if and when I'll get the chance to do it again.

5. I am a TERRIBLE decision maker. Okay. I already knew that. It's not that I make bad decisions. I just can't make up my mind on things...and apparently that really annoys my sister. I should probably work on that.

6. I'm also a poor navigational person. It made for some funny and/or frustrating moments, but I hate driving in new places, so thankfully Kendra was game. 

7. Kendra can be a scary driver. Let us never forget the orange cones she forcefully backed us into at Disney while I yelled, "Be careful!"

8. It turns out that not only am I allergic to hospital grade adhesive, I'm also allergic to the adhesive in the blister band-aids I bought. I may or may not have tossed money at Kendra and made her go in the gas station to get me Benadryl while I furiously sat scratching my feet in the car.

 9. Disney IS the happiest place on earth if you travel with the right person. I can't wait to do it again someday. Also...I stand by my opinion that I never want to take young kids there.

10. I LOVE the ocean. I knew that already, but I kind of forgot. It was so peaceful (when the construction next door was done for the day!). Walking in the sand and walking out into the water are the best feelings.

11. 3498359 facts about Disney. We may have nerded out the night before Disney and sat up for hours reading each other various facts and trivia about Disney. And then we may have continued the obsession for the rest of our trip.

12. Don't shop on Disney property...I mean, unless you've got all the money. We had way more funny going to souvenir shops in Orlando to shop and save money!

13. No matter how old we get, sisters will always get irritated with each other and smack the other one at least once or twice.

14. Be spontaneous! If there's an awesome full moon over the ocean and it's 11:30pm, who cares? Go down to the beach and enjoy it!

15. I still really love to read. I just struggle to focus at home. Therefore, I should probably just win the lottery and sit and read on the beach for the rest of my life.

A Journey to Finding Myself

If you remember, my word this year is "Self". As in self-care, self-love, and self-worth. This past week was all about that for me. Taking a one week beach vacation with my sister was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself.

Confession. When I was in my early 20's and working in daycare, I totally judged the parents who went on vacations without their kids. I had no kids. I wanted kids more than anything and to me that just didn't make sense. How could these people leave their children to go on a week long trip?

As a young mom, I still couldn't fathom it. The first time I left Daniel all day to go to Chicago, he was 7 months old and I SOBBED the entire day before because I was sure he and I would never make it without each other. I don't think I could have taken this trip up until this past year. The timing wasn't right. I wasn't ready to leave the boys for that long. I could only dream of alone time.

Last summer, Kendra and I were supposed to go to California, but had to cancel, so, I struck out on a mini adventure on my own to Hannibal in August. It was my first taste of adventure and finding myself.

I mentioned to a good friend of mine on the 2nd day of this trip that I kind of felt like I should be missing my kids more than I did. Don't think that I don't love them, because I absolutely do. I just knew that some people were probably reading my posts and thinking, "I can't believe she left her kids!" I knew my friend would understand, and her response really resonated deeply with me. She told me that, "Mom" is just one of the hats that I wear. It doesn't define me. It isn't the only thing that I am. I am my own person. I am allowed to crave this time for myself and it's okay for me to take care of me! I knew the boys were being well taken care of. We have the technology to video chat. They were great and even well behaved for my parents.   (Of course they started fighting more when I got back!)

What I'm realizing is that each one of us moms (and dads too) are our own person. What works for one may not work for another. I know some people who would never even think about doing what I did. I know others who frequently travel without kids. Kids and travel together stress me out. It's not relaxing in the least for me. I'll stick to day trips with the boys until they're old enough to appreciate a bigger trip. I might get adventurous this summer and do an overnight somewhere with them. I'm actually thinking about taking them to Hannibal to do Mark Twain Cave. I think they would love it.

I am so thankful I took the opportunity to do this for ME! I got quality time with my sister. I got to relax on the beach. I read a book without interruptions. I stood in the ocean and watched the waves. I went to Disney and didn't have to worry about complaining...except me when I was sweaty and "moist" and when Kendra had to pee every 15 minutes. I went parasailing...something I've wanted to do since I was 12 years old. 

This is only the beginning. I started a new chapter in my life 10 months ago, and finding myself along the way. Here's to so many more adventures!