Life Isn't Always Sunshine and Roses

First of all, thank you to each and every person who read, liked, commented or messaged me after my last post about my new normal. I had no idea that so many people would read it. I know I haven't gotten back to everyone who has messaged, but thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

One thing that seemed to come up many times in the comments was that I have such a positive outlook and attitude in life. I'm thankful that I come across that way, because my ultimate goal is to do just that. Let's just take a moment to get real though.

I struggle. My life is like a roller coaster, with constant highs and lows. Usually daily. I try to remain positive, but my very close friends/family can tell you that they have heard plenty of negative come out of me. Sometimes I just need to vent or be mad!

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy with being in my new home and starting this new journey in life. It has been a long time coming, but life has a funny way of still throwing curve balls at you. I can literally be in the happiest mood ever, and find myself triggered by something and there I am crying my eyes out.

For a long time, I built a wall up around myself for protection. I rarely cried. I didn't want my guard down. I didn't want to be weak. At some point this year the dam broke, and I'm pretty sure I've cried at least a few years worth of tears.

I mostly get caught up in the, "What if's?" and the "How's?" in life. I start wondering what my actual purpose is in life. Is there something more I should be doing? Anxiety plays a role I'm sure. I like to know what's going on. I want an exact road map planned out for me. Every time I think I've got it figured out, a rug gets pulled out from under me.

The sad thing is...I know the answer. The answer is God. Why is it so hard to just hand things over to Him? I frequently turn the same situations over to him, only to find myself trying my hardest to keep plugging away doing my own thing. I'm stubborn. I'm impatient. I want the answers right now...to everything. He has the road map I so desperately want...and I'm sure that through prayer and (ugh) patience, He will reveal the answers.

There are many struggles I've been through or am currently going through, that I don't talk about or share. Some have tried to break me. This is why it is SO important to be kind to others. You never know what is going on in someone else's life. They could be quietly going through something. I know there are times where I am unkind or I say something hurtful. In general though, I try to spread kindness in any way I can because whether someone is going through a rough patch or not, I think it's important to find ways to encourage others or to do something to brighten their day. I love to send cards, bake treats or just give someone a compliment.

While I do look for those positives or create them, I still have plenty of negatives too. I just don't want people to think I'm just this happy go lucky, roll with the punches kinda person all the time. Sometimes, I'm the girl crying herself to sleep, while trying to remind myself that God's got this and that he's making me a better and stronger person through all of it.