Breathe and Be Still

This has not been my day. Does this happen to anybody else? You're living life. Everything is looking up. You're happy. You're content. You're excited for the future. Then one day you wake up and then entire day just sucks! It's like the devil says, "I see you're enjoying life too much lately. Allow me to make you miserable."

Let me just say...I was in a MOOD today. I've finally been sleeping so much better these past few weeks. Last night I couldn't fall asleep. The boys woke me up fighting this morning. They spent the entire day annoying each other. Daniel got mad every time I asked him to do something. James had a thousand tantrums. And I yelled way more than I should have.

I felt down about school because I feel like they don't have anything to do yet. It's been explained and I get it, but we're done in no time and then I have to find other activities for them to do...which is fine except I feel like it's just normal life. This doesn't feel like school to them and it most certainly doesn't to me either.

I decided a field trip was in order. We went to the library for the first time in probably a year. I thought it would be a nice distraction. Daniel was moping around for awhile. James was having an absolute meltdown when I told him he had enough books. It felt like a sauna in there and masks are required, so I kept ripping it off every few minutes to breathe.

I stopped in at a local store to pick up an order and then they started hitting and yelling at each other again. I was going to go get my paycheck, but we came home instead and I banished James up to his room, and sent Daniel up a little later. Then I sat down on the couch and let the tears flow. I told myself I could cry for 10 minutes and then I had to snap out of it. 

I cried because I felt like I was failing as a mom today. I was failing as a teacher. I let a couple of hurtful actions by other people carry over to today. I cried out of sheer frustration over Covid-19 and how it's always in our faces. I also vented to a couple of my best friends because sometimes you just need to let it all out.

I did stop crying, but I stayed in a funk the rest of the night. Daniel and I had a good talk though and I apologized to the boys for being so cranky, but also told James his attitude and behavior toward me tonight was not acceptable. 

Someone told me to blog, so here I am. Writing things down usually helps clear my mind.

While I'm still feeling pretty down, I know that tomorrow is a new day. I also know that God is trying to get my attention. My mom sent the boys a new devotion book and tonight's was about stopping and being still to hear God's voice. 

When I got out of the shower, the song "You Say" by Lauren Daigle started on my playlist. I've heard it a million times, but the words resonated tonight:

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know, ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours

So, now it's time to go have some quiet time with God and pray that He will take the negative thoughts away, give me peace and give me guidance. And if you feel like sending some prayers my way, I would gladly accept them.

"Be still, and know I am God."
Pslam 46:10

Life Isn't Always Sunshine and Roses

First of all, thank you to each and every person who read, liked, commented or messaged me after my last post about my new normal. I had no idea that so many people would read it. I know I haven't gotten back to everyone who has messaged, but thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

One thing that seemed to come up many times in the comments was that I have such a positive outlook and attitude in life. I'm thankful that I come across that way, because my ultimate goal is to do just that. Let's just take a moment to get real though.

I struggle. My life is like a roller coaster, with constant highs and lows. Usually daily. I try to remain positive, but my very close friends/family can tell you that they have heard plenty of negative come out of me. Sometimes I just need to vent or be mad!

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy with being in my new home and starting this new journey in life. It has been a long time coming, but life has a funny way of still throwing curve balls at you. I can literally be in the happiest mood ever, and find myself triggered by something and there I am crying my eyes out.

For a long time, I built a wall up around myself for protection. I rarely cried. I didn't want my guard down. I didn't want to be weak. At some point this year the dam broke, and I'm pretty sure I've cried at least a few years worth of tears.

I mostly get caught up in the, "What if's?" and the "How's?" in life. I start wondering what my actual purpose is in life. Is there something more I should be doing? Anxiety plays a role I'm sure. I like to know what's going on. I want an exact road map planned out for me. Every time I think I've got it figured out, a rug gets pulled out from under me.

The sad thing is...I know the answer. The answer is God. Why is it so hard to just hand things over to Him? I frequently turn the same situations over to him, only to find myself trying my hardest to keep plugging away doing my own thing. I'm stubborn. I'm impatient. I want the answers right now...to everything. He has the road map I so desperately want...and I'm sure that through prayer and (ugh) patience, He will reveal the answers.

There are many struggles I've been through or am currently going through, that I don't talk about or share. Some have tried to break me. This is why it is SO important to be kind to others. You never know what is going on in someone else's life. They could be quietly going through something. I know there are times where I am unkind or I say something hurtful. In general though, I try to spread kindness in any way I can because whether someone is going through a rough patch or not, I think it's important to find ways to encourage others or to do something to brighten their day. I love to send cards, bake treats or just give someone a compliment.

While I do look for those positives or create them, I still have plenty of negatives too. I just don't want people to think I'm just this happy go lucky, roll with the punches kinda person all the time. Sometimes, I'm the girl crying herself to sleep, while trying to remind myself that God's got this and that he's making me a better and stronger person through all of it.