While I know I've struggled with anxiety since I was in middle school, I didn't realize I needed actual help until after I had Daniel, and it got even worse. I couldn't even sleep because I was convinced he would stop breathing, or that someone was going to climb through a window and kidnap him.
What I have realized though, is that although I've never sought a diagnosis, I have been depressed. Twice now, in just the past year. I've joked about it, but then passed it off as anxiety (which some of it was!). In my mind, depression is sadness, wanting to die, or not being able to function at all. What I've learned is that just like with anxiety, there are different many ways that it can manifest.
I tend to have what I've seen referenced as "high functioning" or "smiling" depression. I'm the girl who can be literally falling apart on the inside, and smiling and cracking jokes on the outside. I'm the girl who can be hurt, but hold it together until I can be alone just so I can lose it. I never want to be a burden. I don't always want to share my heart. You have to be in my "inner circle" to reach that point (and not many people make it there). I don't like to ask for help and I have trouble accepting it...yet for some reason I love helping others.
For me, thankfully, it is not a constant in my life. I'm sure the medication helps with that somewhat.
I'll share one of my two experiences and I'll try to condense it so it doesn't get long.
Last summer I was stressed, and depressed. I had all of these fun plans for the summer. Exciting activities and day trips planned with the boys. A trip to Minnesota. Fun times at the pool.
As you all remember, our basement flooded with poop. TWICE. This wasn't the first, second or even third time this had happened over the years and was a problem that had been "fixed" twice. The flooding happened in a one week span. I hosed and bleached the entire basement. Got rid of ruined items from the first go round, only to get slammed even worse the following week. Hours, upon hours of hard labor, sweat, anger and tears were had. I felt like I didn't have all the support I needed, but I also felt like a burden asking. The second time we lost so many things including the Christmas tree (I know that seems silly, but you gotta remember my love for Christmas), books, clothes and washing machine. I spent hours doing laundry at the church parsonage, and a few times, I would just sit there and stare at a wall while I was waiting and wonder WHY? Why me?
Literally in the middle of that week between flood one and two, I made a horrific discovery. This is the first time I'm sharing about it because I was SCARRED. I still am. For weeks Daniel was getting bug bites, which seems normal, right? He was playing baseball and outside a lot. Then James started getting them too. I decided maybe it was a weird rash and took them to the doctor who very sympathetically looked at me and said, "I think those might be bed bug bites." BED BUG BITES. Besides losing my children, this was my worst nightmare. I came home and started tearing their bedroom apart looking. And then I saw it. A shell of one on the bottom of Daniel's mattress. I. Fell. Apart. I completely lost it. I went into a huge panic attack and couldn't breath.
Very long story short, it was a 6 week battle with those beasts. Daily trips up and down the stairs with bedding and curtains in trash bags and getting thrown in the dryer on high heat. Constant searching. I bought a steamer and steamed the crap out of everything. I had Orkin out many times. The boys clothes were organized into bins in the dining room and stored in ziploc bags because I was too scared to use their dressers. I was paranoid to go anywhere for fear that we'd pass them on even though I triple checked everything all the time. Even after the 90 day "all clear" it took me another 3 months to put things back in their room. To this day I don't know where they came from, but I struggle with second hand now, and I get paranoid when I go anywhere that someone else might have them and I'll bring them home.
Anyway...so between 2 floods and bed bugs my mind was on auto pilot. We canceled our trip to Minnesota. I had my final battle with Roto Rooter. The basement floor got dug up and I decided to take a stand at a streets and sewers meeting (which was very nerve wrecking!).
I wasn't sleeping well. I was eating my feelings. I had no time for bike rides. The boys weren't getting to do anything fun because I was constantly doing laundry and cleaning. I was laying in bed as late as I could in the mornings because I didn't want to face whatever was coming at me.
But, you better believe, when I'd run into someone at the store, I'd slap a big ol' smile on my face and joke about my problems. I'd go to church and stand on the stage and smile as I sang. I'd hug everyone and when they'd ask me how I was, I would answer with the, "I'm fine!" or "Hanging in there!" and then I'd sit down and think, "If you only knew that by hanging in there, I mean I'm literally hanging on by a thread."
Thankfully, God pulled me out of the pit. It's so easy as Christians to just say, "Trust in God and everything will work out". Sure, it's logical, but try telling a person with anxiety and depression that, and it really just makes it worse at times because then you feel like you're failing in your faith as well. I know God can work things out. I mean, at my all time low is when I got a text out of the blue asking me if I'd be interested in teaching preschool. After that I started to feel like I had a purpose again, and things started looking up.
Life isn't easy. Like I said, I've gone through another round that I'll maybe share at another time. I'm not fully out of it, but I'm working on myself. Note to self: When you pick "Strength" as your Word of the Year, ya best be prepared for what God is about to throw at you.
Just remember to love others. Be kind. You really don't know what anyone is facing in their lives. Reach out. Sometimes people don't want to share, but it's nice to know that someone is thinking about them. And remember to love yourself as well.
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