ABC's of Parenting

I'm a firm believer that keeping a sense of humor can get you through just about anything. I present to you the ABC's of Parenting.

A is for Advil.
You'll be needing plenty of these to survive all of the headaches you'll get from breaking up fights.

B is for Bath Time.
This is the time of day or night where your child will become part whale and your bathroom floor gets hit by a tidal wave.



C is for Cartoons.
You know you're a parent when you can name all of the current popular cartoon characters and even have your own favorites. You may sometimes catch yourself engrossed in an episode and discover your child has left the room.

D is for Diaper Pails
These things are complete garbage. They work well at first, until your kid starts eating solid foods. Trust me. You're better off tossing the diapers out the backdoor in a Walmart bag like I do.

E is for Exhaustion
Everyone will tell you in the beginning that this will pass. Everyone is lying. Kids cause permanent exhaustion! And if you try to hide from them because you need a break...they will hunt you down.



F is for Family Pictures
Take it from me. Most of those picture perfect shots did not happen in a picture perfect way. Brace yourself for runaway toddlers, tears and sass. The end result is usually worth it, but you may need about a pound of chocolate to calm yourself down later. Not that I would know or anything...

G is for Goldfish Crackers
The ultimate toddler snack. Pepperidge Farms has laced these things with crack or something because I've never met a kid who didn't like them. You will find these crackers in cushions, car seats and sometimes stuffed into diapers, but the crumbs are worth a few minutes of sanity.

H is for Happy Meals
Let's face it. McDonald's has been making kids happy for years by giving them chicken nuggets, fries and a cheap piece of crap toy that they will love for the duration of the day. Happy meals work well in bribery situations.
Pro Tip: When your kids aren't home, go through cheap toys throw them away. 9 times out of 10 they don't ever notice. The time they do, you play dumb and eventually they stop asking. You're welcome.
Just don't get caught!



I is for Ink Stains
If your child can grasp a pencil/pen/marker...they will draw on things that aren't meant to be drawn on. Chairs, tables, computer screens.

J is for Jungle Gym
Not the ones at the park. You. You will become their personal jungle gym. The minute you sit down these little monkeys will be climbing up all over you and sometimes leaving little bruises behind.

K is for "Knock it off!"
A phrase you will say countless times when your kids are trying to kill each other over who gets to open the door. Or when you ask them to please be quiet and instead they start banging a toy hammer on the table while singing, "I can't hear you!"

L is for Leaking
Fellow breastfeeding moms will get that. There's nothing more fun than to be out in public and realize you got nice round wet stains on your shirt.

M is for Movie Night
When you used to pick Taken or Silence of the Lambs, and now you find yourself watching Trolls for the 100th time...and singing along.

N is for Negotiations
You may find yourselves in these types of stand-offs with your toddler at any given time.
"If you take 3 bites of your applesauce, I'll let you have a donut!"



O is for OxyClean
This stuff is key. It'll get out poop, puke, blood, grass stains and just about any other disgusting thing your child can get themselves into.

P is for Poop
1/4 of parenting is cleaning up poop, talking about your child's poop and making poop jokes with your kids. There are 2 poops that you will never be prepared for.
The Blowout. Sure, sometimes it's just a little leak, but sometimes there is literally poop from their necks to their toes and you've got to figure out where to even start with that mess. Bath? Bedding? The poop covered child? Burn the clothes or use the OxyClean?
The Sick Child Poop. Nothing will prepare you from the smells that will come from those kiddos. It's like hot garbage. The smell clings to everything and you may find yourself opening windows when it's only 25 degrees out to try to get rid of it.

Q is for Quiet Time
That time of day when your little angel(s) take a nap or rest time. The time you can sit down and watch a grown up show and eat snacks. Never fear though. If your kiddo just has a rest time, they will appear every 5 minutes or so to see what you're doing, or ask you the most random questions they can think of.

R is for Road Trip
Yay road trips! Who doesn't love hitting the road? Let's throw in kids! Well, my kids are awesome travelers, but that doesn't mean there isn't stress. The amount of stuff I have to pack and bring along is downright embarrassing. But hey...you might need those 13 outfits for a 2 day trip!



S is for Sippy Cups
First you have to go through the battle of finding the perfect one. Every cup claims to not leak and yet you will go through so many spills. Then you'll think you found the perfect cup, and then discover that it's growing mold and mildew in parts you can't clean. THEN you will find the perfect cup and your child will promptly lose it.

T is for Tantrums
You haven't parented long enough if you've never had to abandon your cart in Target and drag your 3 year old with a baby in tow all the way through the store while they scream, "WE ARE NOT LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK HERE!!! I WANT IT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

U is for Use Your Words
Another phrase uttered by parents when their kids are tantruming. Around here that usually results in more screaming and incoherent rage.

V is for Vanish
The thing any stay at home parent want to do after a long and trying day with the kids.

W is for Winter in the Midwest
The time of year that you spend 25 minutes getting snow pants, coats, hats, mittens, and boots on your kids because they're begging to play in the snow and then they either decide right after that, that they have to pee or they will play for 10 minutes and want to go in.



X is for X-Rays
You hope your kiddo won't need any, but then they do something like fall off a tall slide and crack their head open.

Y is for YUCK.
Feed your kids anything new and you'll more than likely hear that word along with, "I don't like that! I'm not eating it!"

Z is for Zipper.
Because for some reason they tend to forget the fly after using the bathroom.