I think because this one involved small children it tugged at my heart strings even tighter. As I was cleaning Daniel up from lunch, this huge sob escaped me and I said out loud, "God, please help these families!". I hadn't expected it, it just came out. Just then my phone started ringing. It was Jacob calling to see if I had heard what had happened. He said he knew that I would be upset and that he was thinking of Daniel. I started crying right then and there. It was very comforting to hear his voice in that moment. With Jacob being a teacher it makes it even more scary. Yes, he teaches in small town schools that are "safe", but everyone thought that Sandy Hook was safe too. :( All it takes is one psycho path.
I had good intentions of doing some things around the house yesterday, but with the news of the shootings my headache returned for the 4th day in a row. (I've been battling a weird sickness/headache this week). I knew I should stay away from the news, but for me watching things unfold almost helps me. In a way it helps me at least attempt to get a grasp on what is happening. Unfortunately, it also hurts. I sat on the couch and sobbed. I told Jacob, even though there have been other shooting in between, I haven't cried so much during a tragedy since 9/11.
My emotions have ranged from heart broken to just flat out angry. If you're going to kill yourself...kill YOURSELF. Do not murder innocent people to go out in a "blaze of glory". I can't imagine how terrified that I would be, let alone little children.
It scares me to death to send Daniel and our future children to school. I know this is just me in worry mode right now. I know that these things can happen anywhere at anytime. Although, I informed him yesterday that I'm building a bomb shelter and he's going to live in there forever. I'm a worrier in general. In fact...it's bad enough that I've actually considered getting help for it. (That's big for me to even admit). I try to joke it off, but if people knew how much worry is built up in me at all times they would probably understand. I play the "What if" game constantly.
Beyond the anger, there's the sadness. The families of these little ones and the staff who were brutally mudered have popped into my mind all day long. I cannot imagine. I do not understand why this happened to them, so I can't even imagine how they will ever begin to understand. I cannot fathom losing my son and I don't know how I could even carry on without dying of a broken heart. Losing him is my greatest fear in life.
Then there's the questioning. I know people have have the rational "church" answers, but I don't get it. I know. I know. "We're not meant to understand." When non believers ask, "Why does God let bad things happen to good people.", I just don't know. I don't get why he lets a man walk into a school and get right up close to the children and shoot them dead. That makes no sense. It always brings me back to wondering why the heck we were even put on Earth? Why didn't God just make it so we were all just born into Heaven? Why did he think we needed free will? Had we never had the opportunity to have free will, we would have never missed it.
I don't knowI could write a book on all of my questions...but no one can help me answer them except God himself. Sigh.
I hold my baby tight every day and I thank God for letting him be in our lives. I just pray that I get to watch him and all of our children grow up.
Prayers to all of the victims families.
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