Feeling Sentimental

Today has been bittersweet in more than one way.

This morning my mom and some movers started moving things out of my grandma's house. She'll be moving from the care center on Wednesday, to her knew home in an assisted living center. I am so proud of her and how far she has come since her stroke at the very beginning of June. Even though she's made much progress, she can't live 100% on her own and never will. It's got to be hard. I can't even imagine waking up one day, leaving to go do an activity I enjoy and not having any idea that as I walked out of my home that it would be my last time ever setting foot in there again. It really goes to show how quickly life can change.

The house won't go on the market until Spring probably, so I'll have a chance to say goodbye, but I really thought I was okay. Then my mom posted this:



Suddenly it just hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started spilling over...and they are again as I type this. This is the living room I would sit and watch cartoons in when I spent the night. This was the living room that we watched the Chicago Bulls play. This is the living room where Grandma and I would sit on the floor and play board games together. This is where Grandpa would sit and roll his eyes at Grandma when she was banging pots and pans around in the kitchen and would laugh so hard the skin under his chin would wobble like a turkey.

Ever since Grandpa died in 2012, I've always felt that the house had a different feel. It wasn't the same, but I still took comfort in it. Soon, we'll have to part with this important piece of our lives. With it though, we'll take so many fond memories. When it's empty it will be a shell of what it used to be, but hopefully another family will make memories there too.

If that weren't enough, today marked another important moment in life. Today is the last day before James turns one. Once again, I can only describe it as bittersweet. I love birthdays! But, the first it always a tiny bit sad, mixed with lots of happiness. He's no longer a true baby, but a one year old. And what an amazingly sweet boy he is.



That's enough for tonight though. Tomorrow will be completely dedicated to this little boy. 

Here We Go!

I've lost touch with writing on my blog this year, but today is the first day of November which  makes it National Blog Month! Most years I blog every day, and I plan to do it this year. Last year I made it 2 whole days, but I think I had a pretty good excuse. The third day, James made his grand entrance into the world!

October was full of fun adventures. It is my favorite month of the year, after all.

There were pumpkin patch trips:









Fun times at the park:







And LOTS of Halloween fun!











Can I just say that I love that my kid wanted to be a door again this year? I tried to convince him to be something different several times, but that boy really wanted to be a door again and I thought, "You know what? Why does it matter? It makes him happy. It's what he wants to be. It makes him who his is. Unique and awesome." Plus, hello! No cost for a new costume either! He was so excited that one night he saw his costume hanging up and exclaimed, "Look! It's my door costume! Some people might think I'm a REAL door!" He was so darn proud of that thing, and that makes me smile. And James rocked the giraffe costume. He spent many hours in that get up and I couldn't get enough of his little giraffe tail swinging back and forth as he crawled.

Today we switched gears. We've reached birthday month! Today we celebrated James' First Birthday! I'll do something small and special on his real birthday, but today was the big shebang.
When Daniel turned one he liked (slowly) opening presents and wasn't too sure about the whole cake thing. James was the opposite. He didn't care for the present opening and wanted to eat the paper. He dove right into his giant cupcake though!

Despite some tiredness and crankiness from lack of naps and the dang time change last night, plus a meltdown from big brother, we managed to have a happy birthday celebration.











 I can't believe that one year has already passed us by! Only 2 more days of having a "baby" But whatever. Both of my boys will always be my babies!

Living With Pain

About 5 months ago I wrote about my journey with scoliosis. Click HERE to read it.

It's a battle I struggle with every day. I went to the chiropractor for several months, and it did help some. In fact I may try to start going again at some point as it was really the only way I was finding some relief.

In August I started exercising again and completely screwed my back up again.

I deal with chronic pain. It never ever leaves me. For the past 3 years the pain has been daily. Some days it's tolerable and some days it's not. But there's never a moment that it just completely leaves my body. On the tolerable days I think, "This isn't SO bad. I could deal with this." On the bad days (which generally happen in chunks of time...usually days or a week) I get really down. I push through, but I look at the amount of time I potentially have left on this Earth and wonder how I'll ever make it?



When it gets really bad, like in August I have no choice but to go to the doctor. I bend over and I get "stuck" trying to stand back up. Sitting hurts. Pain shoots through my back and down into my hips and my thighs. I can't even explain it. It's just like I hit my highest pain threshold and can't deal. All I can think about it how badly I hurt. I ended up with a shot of Toradol and some pain meds. The Toradol took the edge off, and eventually I was back to my "normal". Thankfully, the doctor I saw that day decided that it was time for me to see a specialist. I went the following week, but after taking x-rays he passed me along to another specialist and I had to wait until yesterday for that appointment.



It came at the right time, or so I thought. The last few days have been higher pain days for me, because I found some Pilate style exercises to strengthen my core. They're especially for those with scoliosis. Perfect, right? Not for me. Sigh. They felt great doing them too, but my body hates me.

I was feeling really good about meeting this new doctor. Positive that I would walk out feeling better about things. First of all. I literally do not know why doctors make patients fill out a history. It really annoys me that you always read that you should write down all of your symptoms and issues to discuss with the doctor. I took time twice now to fill out detailed information. The first dr. never even looked at it. Yesterday, I had to retell all of the information to the nurse, even though it was all in the paperwork. And once again, he didn't even look at everything I wrote down. It's so frustrating!

He handed me a copy of one of my xrays and said, "The only way you're going to get better is to have a spinal fusion." He wouldn't even discuss any other options. I have consulted with others in an online chronic back pain forum that I am a part of and they've all recommended a second opinion, which I already planned on.

I left there feeling upset and overwhelmed. He pretty much said we could do it this year, or I could wait a few years until the boys are a little older, but until then I'm just going to have to push through the pain on my own like I have been. Here's the thing though. This is a MAJOR surgery. My incision would run the entire length of my spine. Rods would be inserted. I'd be in the hospital for 4-6 days. I'd have 4 months of lots of therapy. 4 months of no bending, twisting or lifting. And after that another 14 months or so of recovery in which bending and lifting would be extremely limited.

I won't lie. I cried on the way home. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I KNOW there's a purpose. I KNOW that God has a hand in this and He will get me though. I know that this isn't a decision that will be made lightly. It will require research, prayer and finding the right doctor for me.

This is my back in its current state:



I sometimes feel like people don't believe me or they think I'm exaggerating. I texted this to Kendra and Jacob. Kendra said, "Holy crap! No wonder you're in so much pain!" and Jacob replied with, "How are you alive!?" LOL!  It's a struggle. I'll tell you that.

I'm not one that will complain vocally around many people. Pretty much only my family hears me talk about it...and usually on a daily basis. But even then I joke about it. I'll tell Jacob I need a spine transplant and laugh. Laughing and joking eases the pain. If you ever watch me, you'd notice I have a hard time sitting in any position for very long. I'm always shifting. I'm more comfortable laying down or curled up funny. Standing dang near kills me. At least for long periods of time. I hate when I know I'm going to have stand up for long amounts of time. If I have to wait in a long line, you'll see me with my hands on my hips, bending over, squatting down or sometimes I'll just just sit down on the ground. If I could just always lay down, I'd be good.

In that sense, the fusion seems like a good idea. Except from the experiences I've read only some are successful. The people telling me to get a second opinion are people who have also had one. Some have had to have 2 or 3 surgeries. Others are in worse pain than they were before. That's terrifying.

Plus, I don't want to lose this time with my boys. I'm not going to miss these precious moments when they're little. I want to pick James up. I want to play at the park. I want to be their Mommy, not the lady laying around because she can't do anything but recover. Plus, that adds the dilemma of who would take care of them? The grandmas? That's a lot to ask. And I'll be the first to say, when someone tells me to rest and recover, I'm an over doer. I can't help it. Resting is hard! I want to be up doing things. I don't want people to think that I'm lazy. And the expense? Yeah. I can't even go there or I'll have a heart attack too!

Then again, it SUCKS that I plan everything around my pain. Any time we leave the house I have to try to think of how to make as few stops as possible so I don't have to lift James in and out of the van and carry him, or I have to put him in the car seat, take him out, put him in the stroller, take him out... It's quite a pain! And I want to make fun memories so I take them places even though I hurt. We go to the zoo, the park, etc. It's not fair to them to not do fun things because their mom is in pain.

I pretty much live by the advice of Dory:



I'll make it through though. And if I could afford a membership I probably would take up swimming again. That was one of 2 things the doctor said would probably help control my pain. Plus it feels good to share about this.  Even though I still do expect others to know how I feel each day...it gives me so much more empathy for others who are in just as much and even more pain that I am!

Two Growing Boys

It's been a long time since I've written, but I decided that I'm going to try to start up again. Mostly because it just feels good getting my thoughts out of my brain and onto "paper".

Summer is nearing an end (YAY!) We got a preview of fall last week, but summer seems to be back in full force today. I'm so ready for cooler weather, pretty leaves and pumpkin everything! I mean really, when am I not ready? It's the best season, hands down.

James is getting so big. He'll be 10 months old in just a few short days. Wasn't he just born? He's got 4 teeth, which all came in at the same time. Let me tell you...that was a blast. He's also crawling. He army crawls all over the place and he can move fast! He gets up on his hands and knees, but just prefers to stick to the army crawl. Still waiting for him to sit himself back up from laying down and to pull up, but I don't mind. It'll come with time, and I don't want him growing up too fast. He's my baby!

He loves food. He prefers vegetables over fruit. He has been sampling a lot of table food, and loves it. He was very happy the other day when I gave him a small piece of Oreo to try. Like any baby, when he decides he's finished he just tosses everything from his tray onto the floor, because he knows how much I love picking it back up.

He's happy go lucky until he needs something. He'll go to pretty much anyone. He thinks the vacuum is awesome. He is determined to try and "eat" every cord he can get his hands on. He knows when he's being ornery and giggles and grins when we catch him. Silly boy.

Then there's my big kid. Daniel is just 3 months away from turning 4. Again, where is the time going!?

He's so darn smart. I'm just amazed at all that he knows and understands. He's picking up on a lot of words and can read them when he sees them. He is learning basic addition. There are just so many things that impress me!

We've also struggled our way through the 3's. It's been rough. We've dealt with defiance, tantrums, anger and volatile behavior when he doesn't get what he wants. He's had good patches and bad patches. It's so hard as a parent to know what to even do at times. Although, this last week or so I feel we've had some improvement!

Let's see. He LOVES CATS (as in Caterpillars...the construction kind). He can instantly tell when we see construction work if the machine is a CAT or not even if they're the same color. We're going to have a Caterpillar themed birthday this year. It's funny thinking back to before I became a mom. I didn't know what I would do if I had boys. Trucks, and super heroes seemed so boring and stupid to me. It turns out, you just kinda learn to enjoy the things your kiddo likes. I think it's cute how much he loves them. (Although...when he points out each one as you're driving it gets a tad annoying). He also loves railroad crossings. Yep. Not the actual trains (although he enjoys those too), but he's obsessed with railroad crossings and driving over the tracks. Also annoying at times when he's pointing them out, but I've gotta admit, I've gone out of my way more than once to drive over some tracks just to hear him get excited!

He is starting preschool this week...and I might shed a tear or two, but mostly I'm just really excited for him! I never thought at 3 that I would put my kids in preschool, but he needs this. We went to his open house last Thursday. He got to meet his teachers and see his room. We stayed quite awhile because I wanted him to get used to the room. He gets scared in new situations. I started talking up preschool a month ago because I knew it would be scary for him. The first time we talked about it, he sobbed. It broke my heart. I'm praying so hard that he loves it. I know he may have some meltdowns at first, but hopefully he'll get used to it all, and be okay. I know he'll end up having fun!

His teacher called me Friday after meeting him and wanted to know if we'd like to move him to the 4 year old class, because he seemed so advanced to her. She was afraid he may get bored since he can already recognize letters and numbers and write his name. Ultimately, he would be ready academically, but socially and emotionally speaking we don't think he's ready. So he'll start in the 3's and we'll evaluate it in a few months and he may move up at some point.

I also told Jacob I was so excited because I got to sign up to bring things to class parties! First of many! Haha! Plus he got a book order form. Woohoo!

I'm just so thankful for those little boys. Some days are so stressful and I just want to run away. Other days are so worth it and I know that God picked these two out especially for us. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Fun With My Boys

It's been a wet and rainy summer so far. I'll admit, I kind of like it though. Not every day, but we've had some great thunderstorms, which I love. Thankfully, the boys don't mind them either. It does put a damper on things some days though. I had plans to take Daniel to the pool a couple of days each week, and so far we've been able to go a grand total of once. He had a lot of fun though. once he got used to it of course.

Wednesday, I went to the dentist because of my jaw pain. It turned out to be my wisdom tooth. I promised myself if he said it was the wisdom tooth that I would let him pull it right then and there. I'm the girl that 3 years ago started shaking violently and crying while having an anxiety attack when he brought it up. He knows that I have to be super numbed up because my mouth just doesn't go numb like it should. Normally 3 big shots of Novocain will do it. Thank goodness he double checked. I thought it was numb, but he pressed around. At first I was fine, and then he pushed another area and I about smacked him. A nice big zing shot through my mouth. So, another shot of Novocain finally did the trick. I was shaking pretty badly at first, but once I knew I couldn't feel anything I was okay. It took lots of pulling and tugging, but that sucker finally came out. I survived! Plus, I've tolerated the pain with ice packs and Advil. No painkillers for this nursing momma.

Yesterday, I took James to Springfield to go shopping and left Daniel and Jacob at home for the day. Target went great other than that James kept kind of tipping in the cart. It was his first time riding in the seat of the cart! He liked it at first though!



My big score was at Kohl's. I walked out of there with 2 baby outfits, 3 tank tops, 1 t-shirt, 2 dish towels, a book and a toy for a total of $28! I LOVE that you can stack so many coupons. I had a $15 off $15, a $10 off $30, $10 Kohl's Cash and 15% off. I was pretty proud.

James was NOT amused at Kohl's though, and I couldn't leave because DEALS! He cried and screamed. I took him the dressing rooms twice to try and get him to eat. Oh no. The only thing he liked was hanging upside down off my lap and looking in the mirror at the same time. I got lots of, "Aww! Poor little baby". I did feel bad, but he eventually did fall asleep.

Since it was nice out, we walked the whole shopping strip and popped in several stores. Stopped at Babies R Us to feed him after he woke up. It's nice because they have a nursing mom's room with a nice changing able and a rocking chair.

I almost skipped Carter's, but decided to go it before heading home. They had a blowout clearance sale going on. I wish the Mimi's were with me! Haha! I did get Daniel 2 shirts, James an outfit for now and also a 3 piece winter outfit for $20, so another score for me!

Today, before it rained, Daniel and I went to the park and played for an hour. He's been..um...not good lately. Year 3 is not going down as a fun year in the books. But, he does well one on one a lot of times, so he was really good.



3 more days at home and then off on our next adventure to Iowa!