During the low pain days and weeks I really don't say much, but on the days when it's worse, it's hard to not complain. I do it more online than face to face though. It's given me a deeper empathy for others who struggle, and I always remind myself at the end of the day, that there is always someone far worse off than me surviving, so I can do it too.
Back to the picture I mentioned:
I can relate to each of those bullet points. My go to answer is always, "I'm fine!" or "Oh, I'm hanging in there!". I thought I'd share my thoughts on all the bullets though, and what goes on in my own mind,
- I'm having a good pain day
- On days like that, it's just the normal pain, so I really am "fine"
- I'm pretending to feel fine to help myself cope better.
- I'm a push through the pain kinda girl and if I am in pain (especially around a bunch of people), I'm going to fake it 'til I make it. If all I do is focus on the pain, I'm not going to get through whatever it is I need to be doing. Some days it's just cleaning the house. I'll start and then feel the pain coming on, but I push myself every time to just keep going because I don't want to give up. Or, if I'm at work and I see something that needs done, I'm just going to do it. I have finally started relying on my co-workers more and actually asking for help more if I need something heavy picked up and moved...but I still feel bad asking. And you will always see me smiling in pictures and trying to go out and have fun with my kids, because you know what? Life is short and I'd rather make memories and be in pain, than not get to enjoy those moments with my kids.
- I'm straight up lying. I feel horrible, but explaining it doesn't benefit you or me.
- I lie a lot when it comes to talking to people I don't know very well, or for the ones that I know will want to give me unsolicited advice. Most advice givers have the best of intentions, but after years and years of people telling me, "You should try this essential oil.", "Have you tried Advil?" "Do a yoga class", "You need to totally change your diet.", Just rest and put some heat on it." I know in my heart that most people are trying to help, but I just end up feeling defeated. And for those wondering, I:
- have tried creams, oil, CBD oil etc.
- taken every OTC anti-inflammatory known to man
- taken exercise classes with stretching
- gone to physical therapy
- tried prescription meds....and so much more.
- I don't feel well, but explaining it tires me.
- Yup
- I don't want to be seen as complaining
- Yet here I am. If I'm in any situation around people that aren't my very close friends or family, I may say something like, "My back hurts more today than usual". If I say that it really means, "Holy crap...this hurts and I really want to go home and cry." This happened recently at an event. By the time I got home, I had to pause climbing the stairs and then I just laid out flat on my bedroom floor for 20 minutes trying to stretch out the pain. (Unfortunately, the pain from that night is still flaring 23 days later.)
- I know you really don't care how I am feeling.
- This depends on the person. I know who is genuine, and who isn't. And that's fine. I know it's annoying to hear someone complain.
Anyway, just a big thank you to those of you listen to me complain on here. Sometimes I just need to get it out. Sometimes, writing is a healing outlet for me. Especially when it's so hard to get a medical professional to listen to you and understand. What I'm feeling is NOT normal. Here's hoping I can get somewhere with my doctor this week!
