Today is my 1 Year Anniversary!
1 year ago today, I started a brand new chapter in my life and I never looked back. That day was pretty hush hush minus the friends who helped me move and my family. I wasn't quite ready to share with the entire world that I was getting a divorce.
What I have learned is that I am entirely capable and strong enough to make it through just about anything. Change can be a scary thing, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that God is going to get you through it all.
I've come to realize that I hid a lot of what I was going through because I felt as though I would be judged. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were married. Their parents were married. There were no divorces. I grew up going to church every Sunday (usually twice), and Wednesday nights.
There is one thing that bothers me more now, than it ever did when I was growing up. It didn't matter what church I attended, and I still hear it now. It is drilled into your head that. "Divorce is NOT an option". I have memories of being in middle school and high school youth group and hearing that for the first time. I diligently took down notes and I knew in my heart that I would follow this "rule".
I've sat through conferences, church services, women's retreats and more, and I've heard it everywhere. You fight for your marriage. Marriage is hard work. All you need to do is communicate. Never EVER say the "D word" (Yes...that's an actual statement).
Of course, I didn't go into marriage thinking it was going to be a fairy tale. I most certainly didn't think that I'd ever get a divorce. Marriage vows should not be taken lightly. But, I think that the church as a whole needs to stop guilting people. Is marriage hard? Absolutely. I'm not saying just run away and give up right away. But, stop with the guilt.
You're taught that God only allows divorce for a couple of reasons and in general pastors seems to get stuck on infidelity and physical abuse. I'm here to tell you that there is more to abuse than just a physical side. There can be an emotional/psychological side to abuse that no one sees. I went through many years of guilt before I finally realized through prayer that it was okay to leave. I truly believe that God gave me his blessing.
I mean, it took years to work up the courage and once I finally did, everything fell into place. God even had a home for the boys and I all lined up.
I feel a whole lot stronger than I did a year ago. I have gained more confidence in myself. I've started believing in myself more. I've begun the healing process. I cried a lot last year for a few different reasons. I'm pretty sure I was depressed there for awhile. It's a weird thing to even explain because, I was free. I was happy to be free. But there's a lot to process at the same time and it didn't help that all of the world had collectivly lost their ever loving minds over a global pandemic.
I didn't lose any friends. My church family supported me. I am so thankful for that...I just wish that I hadn't spent so long thinking that people would judge me and tell me I couldn't be a part of things. (Well, maybe some did judge, but that's okay because no one did it to my face!)
So cheers to my one year anniversary. Here's to more healing and more personal growth in the days and years that lie ahead of me. And thank you to all of you who made it through this post and who have shown me love and support this past year...and some who have been loving and supporting me even longer than that. You know who you all are.
