In A Rut

It's been almost 2.5 months since I've written anything. I generally do most of my random posts on Facebook, but today is one of those days that I just want to write. I'm in a serious funk and I'm hoping writing it all down will help to clear my mind.

I'm ready for summer to be over. I'm ready for the heat to go away. I'm ready to get back into a school year routine. I'm tired. I'm grouchy. And I just plain feel down most days lately. I have my good moments each day, which then seem to quickly fade when I think of how humdrum life is most days.

I also know that I have to the power to control some of this, but my brain just won't let me some days. I take Zoloft for anxiety, so it should help the sad feelings but all it does sometimes is block my tears and helps me from going into a full on meltdown. It keeps most anxiety at bay, but I guess even meds aren't going to keep anyone from going through rough patches.

I could focus on the good stuff, but I seriously just need to vent...so really I'll be fine but there may be rants and ramblings ahead. Proceed with caution.

Let's start with summer break. First off...I went to schools that didn't get out until the first or second week of June. Here summer starts the 3rd week of May. And Daniel has been done with preschool since the 2nd week in May. I always start summer out with excitement and plans. I find all these fun activities on Pinterest and I just know I'm going to rock the mom thing all summer.

June always goes well. We do a bunch of fun stuff. This year it included a fun mini vacation to Indianapolis! The start of July is pretty fun because I know there's an Iowa trip involved. And this year I got to stay for 2 weeks, but even though I had fun, the funk had already started to set in.
And now here we are. The dog days of summer. I can barely make myself crawl out of bed at 9:00 because then I have to face all of life's mundane tasks like breaking up fights over random things, feed my kids 3 meals...of which consists of fits and tantrums (mostly by James) because basically every food is gross. And Daniel wants entertained from the moment he wakes up until the moment he falls asleep. Bathtime, diapers, potty training, lost toys, changing clothes, doing laundry...on and on. All of this is normal mom stuff, but the school year just seems to have more routine. It'll be an adjustment having Daniel in school all day this year. I'm ready for it though...even though I guarantee you I will cry because my little baby is now a 5.5 year old giant who is going to kindergarten!

So, what else is there to be down about, you ask? Or maybe not. :)

Well, in May we had to have half of our backyard dug up to fix the sewer line that was "fixed" 2.5 years ago. Thankfully, all of the replacement was free, but I've got a hideous backyard and still paying off the other plumbers from coming out to help beforehand. Our dirt mound will hopefully be leveled, and new cement laid soon, but right now the backyard looks like a freaking jungle and it's embarrassing. The dirt pile has become overgrown with weeds. I started trying to pull them today and about had a breakdown halfway though, so I quit. The task seemed so daunting and I was sweating profusely. Now I'm sitting here 20 minutes later with an ice pack because I'm still sweating.

I hate the heat. I know I say it all the time, but it's like my internal thermostat is broken. It's not even THAT hot out. The humidity is dropping and yet I was dripping. My mom and I fought at their house because she thinks I'm crazy and have just grown too accustomed to air conditioning. I feel like since I had James my hormones never went back to normal or something. I'm rarely "just right". I'm either on fire or covered in goosebumps. I hate it so much. I can't even walk around the block without breaking a sweat.

So...go to the doctor, you may be thinking. I'd love to if insurance/lack of insurance didn't suck so much. I don't have traditional insurance because we couldn't afford it, so I use a Christian based medical sharing plan. So anything up to $300 comes out of my own pocket for any given appointment and then I can apply to receive help covering costs. Which is still better than the $7000 out of pocket I would need to cover on my own plan before the crappy coinsurance kicked in. Yeah...I'm still paying off nearly $4k from my old plan.

I try to come up with ways to earn an extra income while staying home with my boys. It's not easy. So, I just keep praying that God will show me His plan. Staying at home isn't negotiable for me. That is my job. Once both boys are in school I plan to find work...it's just trying to discover what God wants me to be.

Let's also talk about the fact that I'm a yo-yo dieter. I'm to the point of anger towards myself. I'll work really hard to get on the right path. I eat better. I exercise. Then I get bored. So I stop exercising. Next thing I know I'm binge eating every bad food in sight. Anything I lose (which takes months) is all back on plus some in weeks. I lose control and food takes control of me. I get discouraged because I can't get weight off like I used to. I know having babies and getting older changes that. But after Daniel I got down to pre baby weight within 3 months. With James I never got back down to it. I think part of it IS the Zoloft...which sucks because taking it helps me, but may be making it extremely hard to lose weight.

Whew. Okay. That was long. My brain feels a lot more clear now though,and I don't feeling to I need to bawl my eyes out anymore. Writing is apparently free therapy.
I share all of this too because everyone had struggles in life and a lot of time we try to hide those things because we don't like to show weakness. I know God has control of everything, and I can feel his arms around me right now.