It's a battle I struggle with every day. I went to the chiropractor for several months, and it did help some. In fact I may try to start going again at some point as it was really the only way I was finding some relief.
In August I started exercising again and completely screwed my back up again.
I deal with chronic pain. It never ever leaves me. For the past 3 years the pain has been daily. Some days it's tolerable and some days it's not. But there's never a moment that it just completely leaves my body. On the tolerable days I think, "This isn't SO bad. I could deal with this." On the bad days (which generally happen in chunks of time...usually days or a week) I get really down. I push through, but I look at the amount of time I potentially have left on this Earth and wonder how I'll ever make it?
When it gets really bad, like in August I have no choice but to go to the doctor. I bend over and I get "stuck" trying to stand back up. Sitting hurts. Pain shoots through my back and down into my hips and my thighs. I can't even explain it. It's just like I hit my highest pain threshold and can't deal. All I can think about it how badly I hurt. I ended up with a shot of Toradol and some pain meds. The Toradol took the edge off, and eventually I was back to my "normal". Thankfully, the doctor I saw that day decided that it was time for me to see a specialist. I went the following week, but after taking x-rays he passed me along to another specialist and I had to wait until yesterday for that appointment.
It came at the right time, or so I thought. The last few days have been higher pain days for me, because I found some Pilate style exercises to strengthen my core. They're especially for those with scoliosis. Perfect, right? Not for me. Sigh. They felt great doing them too, but my body hates me.
I was feeling really good about meeting this new doctor. Positive that I would walk out feeling better about things. First of all. I literally do not know why doctors make patients fill out a history. It really annoys me that you always read that you should write down all of your symptoms and issues to discuss with the doctor. I took time twice now to fill out detailed information. The first dr. never even looked at it. Yesterday, I had to retell all of the information to the nurse, even though it was all in the paperwork. And once again, he didn't even look at everything I wrote down. It's so frustrating!
He handed me a copy of one of my xrays and said, "The only way you're going to get better is to have a spinal fusion." He wouldn't even discuss any other options. I have consulted with others in an online chronic back pain forum that I am a part of and they've all recommended a second opinion, which I already planned on.
I left there feeling upset and overwhelmed. He pretty much said we could do it this year, or I could wait a few years until the boys are a little older, but until then I'm just going to have to push through the pain on my own like I have been. Here's the thing though. This is a MAJOR surgery. My incision would run the entire length of my spine. Rods would be inserted. I'd be in the hospital for 4-6 days. I'd have 4 months of lots of therapy. 4 months of no bending, twisting or lifting. And after that another 14 months or so of recovery in which bending and lifting would be extremely limited.
I won't lie. I cried on the way home. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I KNOW there's a purpose. I KNOW that God has a hand in this and He will get me though. I know that this isn't a decision that will be made lightly. It will require research, prayer and finding the right doctor for me.
This is my back in its current state:
I sometimes feel like people don't believe me or they think I'm exaggerating. I texted this to Kendra and Jacob. Kendra said, "Holy crap! No wonder you're in so much pain!" and Jacob replied with, "How are you alive!?" LOL! It's a struggle. I'll tell you that.
I'm not one that will complain vocally around many people. Pretty much only my family hears me talk about it...and usually on a daily basis. But even then I joke about it. I'll tell Jacob I need a spine transplant and laugh. Laughing and joking eases the pain. If you ever watch me, you'd notice I have a hard time sitting in any position for very long. I'm always shifting. I'm more comfortable laying down or curled up funny. Standing dang near kills me. At least for long periods of time. I hate when I know I'm going to have stand up for long amounts of time. If I have to wait in a long line, you'll see me with my hands on my hips, bending over, squatting down or sometimes I'll just just sit down on the ground. If I could just always lay down, I'd be good.
In that sense, the fusion seems like a good idea. Except from the experiences I've read only some are successful. The people telling me to get a second opinion are people who have also had one. Some have had to have 2 or 3 surgeries. Others are in worse pain than they were before. That's terrifying.
Plus, I don't want to lose this time with my boys. I'm not going to miss these precious moments when they're little. I want to pick James up. I want to play at the park. I want to be their Mommy, not the lady laying around because she can't do anything but recover. Plus, that adds the dilemma of who would take care of them? The grandmas? That's a lot to ask. And I'll be the first to say, when someone tells me to rest and recover, I'm an over doer. I can't help it. Resting is hard! I want to be up doing things. I don't want people to think that I'm lazy. And the expense? Yeah. I can't even go there or I'll have a heart attack too!
Then again, it SUCKS that I plan everything around my pain. Any time we leave the house I have to try to think of how to make as few stops as possible so I don't have to lift James in and out of the van and carry him, or I have to put him in the car seat, take him out, put him in the stroller, take him out... It's quite a pain! And I want to make fun memories so I take them places even though I hurt. We go to the zoo, the park, etc. It's not fair to them to not do fun things because their mom is in pain.
I pretty much live by the advice of Dory:
I'll make it through though. And if I could afford a membership I probably would take up swimming again. That was one of 2 things the doctor said would probably help control my pain. Plus it feels good to share about this. Even though I still do expect others to know how I feel each day...it gives me so much more empathy for others who are in just as much and even more pain that I am!
