Sometimes I want to run away. I dream of it in fact. I think a lot of moms do. I'm sure dads do too.
Sometimes I just want to sit in peace and quiet and watch what I want to watch on TV all day long. To eat meals without wiping up spilled food and food my kid flung because he didn't want it. Sometimes I miss doing laundry once a week instead of once a day. I dream of going to the bathroom without a little person following me in so see what I'm doing. Sometimes it's no fun (okay it's never fun) to wipe a toddlers butt.
Sometimes I just want to get in the car and go without spending 20 minutes trying to get out the door and get both kids in their car seats. Sometimes I hate when stuff I just folded gets unfolded again by little hands. I wish messes just magically cleaned themselves up. Sometimes I imagine making it through one day with no sass.
Sometimes I want to clean my house in peace without "helpful hands". I dream of the day when I'm not asked "Why?" 8.5 billion times a day. Sometimes I long for the day when I will be able to sleep in without any cries or people climbing on me little I'm a dang jungle gym.
Sometimes I get frustrated and yell too much, and then feel like a failure.
But, then sometimes I remember that this won't last forever and when these days are gone I will long for them. I remind myself that someday I will be "free" to do all of those things that I dream of and while I know I'll enjoy it, I'll miss this. Maybe not the tantrums. Maybe not any of the hard stuff, but the little every day moments? Yeah. I'm gonna miss those.
Sometimes I'm sad because my first baby will be 4 years old this year, and I miss him being really little and innocent. Sometimes I'm sad that he's too big for me to carry anymore, even though just a couple of years ago I was already longing for the day he could hold my hand and walk. Speaking of that, sometimes I smile when his small hand finds mine and he holds it as we go on a walk. Someday he won't want to do that anymore. My heart isn't ready for that.
Sometimes my bedtime routine with Daniel annoys me because he stalls and we have to do all of these things before he's satisfied. At the same time though, I cherish those moments we spend rocking in his chair, reading, praying, talking and singing. Sometimes those moments at the end of the day are finally what made my day worthwhile.
Sometimes I get excited to take Daniel somewhere and I expect too much from him. Sometimes I'm more excited than him and when he doesn't cooperate or enjoy it, I get frustrated. But sometimes we have a blast, so I suppose I just have to take the risk because you just never know when a fun memory will be made.
Sometimes I can't wait to sleep through the night and not spend hours nursing. But most of the time I cherish those quiet moments at night,as I hold my sweet baby. I love knowing that I can feed him and provide food for him...and honestly I'll bawl like a baby when I'm done nursing him, just like a did with Daniel. It's such a strong bond between a Mommy and her babies.
Someday I'll miss all of this. I'm so very thankful to God for my 2 boys. I feel lucky to be their Mommy. It's no easy task. Some days I feel like super mom. Other days I feel like I've been defeated by one or both munchkins. Sometimes I just pray that I survive parenthood. Sometimes I hope that I don't completely screw it up.
One thing I know for sure though. No matter what, I love my kids with all of my heart. Forever and always.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
My Journey With Scoliosis
Back pain sucks. Plain and simple.
I've been dealing with it off and on, but mostly on for the past several years. The pain is generally tolerable, but then there comes a time when I'm ready to throw in the towel because it always seems to get worse again.
I have scoliosis. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's a curvature of the spine. Basically a normal spine is straight. A person with scoliosis has a crooked and twisted spine.
I don't remember when I was officially diagnosed, but I think it was in 6th grade. My mom was always yanking my shoulders back and telling me to stand up straight. I thought she was just being annoying, because I WAS standing up straight. At least I thought so.
I ended up at a specialist whom I got to know well over the next few years. I detested those years. It turned out that I had a pretty severe curve. Between 45-50 degrees you're considered for surgery...and my curve was 42 I believe. Guess what this already awkward, greasy haired, blackhead ridden middle school girl had to be fitted for?
One of these bad boys:
My very own, custom made back brace. It was hard plastic...so basically a body cast that I could take off to shower. It was hot, uncomfortable, and most of all embarrassing. Like, insanely embarrassing. I couldn't bend over in it. I had to wear baggy shirts over it, and even then the back of them would have holes wear through . No one really ever said anything at school, but I knew they knew and in my mind they were all making fun of me. I realize now many of them probably felt bad for me, but I was shy and this was just about the worst thing ever.
I can remember those glorious days when our family would do something like go on a hike and mom would let me spend the day without it. I also remember sometimes taking it off at night even though I wasn't supposed to because I just wanted to sleep like a normal person. I got busted on that one though.
The brace did its job. It stopped the curve from progressing while I was was still growing. Eventually I only had to wear it at night and then I got the all clear to get rid of it all together. Sweet freedom.
I don't remember having pain until my 20's, and even then it was a twinge here and a twinge there until a few years ago.
A couple of years ago I ended up at Prompt Care because I could hardly move. They claimed I sprained my hip. Okay...
So I got an anti inflammatory shot and muscle relaxers that were extremely powerful (as I was told by 3 healthcare professionals) that literally did nothing for me. Nothing. I didn't even cut the pill in half like they suggested.
Then I tried a chiropractor, who was all health guru-ish and kept trying to sell me vitamins and crap. She did adjustments, but all it did was hurt me still. So I quit after 3 visits.
Then a year and a half ago the pain got intolerable again. So much so, that my mom had to come help me with Daniel because I could hardly move. I was sent for an MRI, but spent around $700 for them to tell me it was basically a pinched nerve.
I gave up. Everyone has back pain right? I surely could handle this. I felt like no one understood my pain or how I was feeling. I just assume people think I exaggerate. My lower back hurts 24/7. My neck hurts. My left shoulder goes numb a few times a day. One of my left toes spasms and curls under then releases, over and over again. I've always thought it had to do with my scoliosis, and yet no one else seemed to draw the same conclusion.
These past 3 or so weeks I've been miserable. I push through it because I have to. I have kiddos and a house to clean and shopping to do. By the end of the day I hurt so badly I want to curl into the fetal position and cry, but I don't. I just rub the painful areas which feels good, but shoots pain into my hips. I kept debating trying another chiropractor, and once the pain was unbearable I went for it. We're talking, I'm literally to the point that by the end of the day,when I bend over I can't stand back up right away. I get stuck.
After my c-section, I was up and walking to the NICU by 10:00 that night. The nurses couldn't believe it. Jacob told me later that he was so impressed at how well I handled the pain. Truth is, I handle the pain every day of my life. I mean, yes...I was in a crap load of pain from the c-section, and I would never want that level of pain every day, but it made it easier to push though it.
I met with the doctor and told him my most painful areas and mentioned all of the above. Finally someone looked right at me and said, "I think this is definitely from your scoliosis. I can't promise to take the pain away, but I can promise I will try as hard as I can." I wanted to hug him. He took xrays that day and had me schedule and appointment again for yesterday. He asked me what I thought my curve was and I said 42.
When I went in yesterday, he had my xrays up and he told me that he didn't think I was right when I told him 42 degrees because most people who think they have a bigger curve are generally in the 15-25 degree range. He said he was quite surprised looking at the xray and seeing that I was right on. Once again he looked at me and said, "You hurt every single day, don't you?" Again, I wanted to just cry. I kind of hide it from people or when I do complain, I don't let on to just how bad I hurt. Jacob knows, my family knows. Everyone else? I just say I'm fine when they ask.
As it turns out, the vertebrae on the outer side of my curve are normally spaced, while the vertebrae on the inside of the curve are narrow and very compressed. (Why no one noticed or bothered to mention this from my MRI I do not know). My hips and pelvis are uneven and so more weight gets put on one side of my back all the time.
While he can't promise to fix me, he's hopeful he can help a lot. He started easy yesterday. He's working muscles to stretch and work the ones that haven't been worked in ages. I've lost a TON of flexibility due to it.
I felt a slight difference last night and this morning. I'm back to a lot of pain right now, but this is a process and he said in about 3 weeks I'll hopefully notice a huge improvement. I go again tomorrow and I'm already looking forward to it.
I didn't really intend to write a book, but I just never know how to explain what I feel or am going through. People mean well when they give me advice, but most doesn't apply to my issues...except lifting. I'm working hard to consciously lift properly. Jacob pointed out how horribly I lift things. Bad habit that I HAVE to change. But, if you made it through this, please pray that I'll get some relief.
I don't expect to be healed (not that I could be), but I'd like to go on a walk without wanting to cry. I want to be able to stand more that 5 minutes without my back burning. I want to be able to do housework without wanting to give up on life.
I've been dealing with it off and on, but mostly on for the past several years. The pain is generally tolerable, but then there comes a time when I'm ready to throw in the towel because it always seems to get worse again.
I have scoliosis. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's a curvature of the spine. Basically a normal spine is straight. A person with scoliosis has a crooked and twisted spine.
I don't remember when I was officially diagnosed, but I think it was in 6th grade. My mom was always yanking my shoulders back and telling me to stand up straight. I thought she was just being annoying, because I WAS standing up straight. At least I thought so.
I ended up at a specialist whom I got to know well over the next few years. I detested those years. It turned out that I had a pretty severe curve. Between 45-50 degrees you're considered for surgery...and my curve was 42 I believe. Guess what this already awkward, greasy haired, blackhead ridden middle school girl had to be fitted for?
One of these bad boys:
My very own, custom made back brace. It was hard plastic...so basically a body cast that I could take off to shower. It was hot, uncomfortable, and most of all embarrassing. Like, insanely embarrassing. I couldn't bend over in it. I had to wear baggy shirts over it, and even then the back of them would have holes wear through . No one really ever said anything at school, but I knew they knew and in my mind they were all making fun of me. I realize now many of them probably felt bad for me, but I was shy and this was just about the worst thing ever.
I can remember those glorious days when our family would do something like go on a hike and mom would let me spend the day without it. I also remember sometimes taking it off at night even though I wasn't supposed to because I just wanted to sleep like a normal person. I got busted on that one though.
The brace did its job. It stopped the curve from progressing while I was was still growing. Eventually I only had to wear it at night and then I got the all clear to get rid of it all together. Sweet freedom.
I don't remember having pain until my 20's, and even then it was a twinge here and a twinge there until a few years ago.
A couple of years ago I ended up at Prompt Care because I could hardly move. They claimed I sprained my hip. Okay...
So I got an anti inflammatory shot and muscle relaxers that were extremely powerful (as I was told by 3 healthcare professionals) that literally did nothing for me. Nothing. I didn't even cut the pill in half like they suggested.
Then I tried a chiropractor, who was all health guru-ish and kept trying to sell me vitamins and crap. She did adjustments, but all it did was hurt me still. So I quit after 3 visits.
Then a year and a half ago the pain got intolerable again. So much so, that my mom had to come help me with Daniel because I could hardly move. I was sent for an MRI, but spent around $700 for them to tell me it was basically a pinched nerve.
I gave up. Everyone has back pain right? I surely could handle this. I felt like no one understood my pain or how I was feeling. I just assume people think I exaggerate. My lower back hurts 24/7. My neck hurts. My left shoulder goes numb a few times a day. One of my left toes spasms and curls under then releases, over and over again. I've always thought it had to do with my scoliosis, and yet no one else seemed to draw the same conclusion.
These past 3 or so weeks I've been miserable. I push through it because I have to. I have kiddos and a house to clean and shopping to do. By the end of the day I hurt so badly I want to curl into the fetal position and cry, but I don't. I just rub the painful areas which feels good, but shoots pain into my hips. I kept debating trying another chiropractor, and once the pain was unbearable I went for it. We're talking, I'm literally to the point that by the end of the day,when I bend over I can't stand back up right away. I get stuck.
After my c-section, I was up and walking to the NICU by 10:00 that night. The nurses couldn't believe it. Jacob told me later that he was so impressed at how well I handled the pain. Truth is, I handle the pain every day of my life. I mean, yes...I was in a crap load of pain from the c-section, and I would never want that level of pain every day, but it made it easier to push though it.
I met with the doctor and told him my most painful areas and mentioned all of the above. Finally someone looked right at me and said, "I think this is definitely from your scoliosis. I can't promise to take the pain away, but I can promise I will try as hard as I can." I wanted to hug him. He took xrays that day and had me schedule and appointment again for yesterday. He asked me what I thought my curve was and I said 42.
When I went in yesterday, he had my xrays up and he told me that he didn't think I was right when I told him 42 degrees because most people who think they have a bigger curve are generally in the 15-25 degree range. He said he was quite surprised looking at the xray and seeing that I was right on. Once again he looked at me and said, "You hurt every single day, don't you?" Again, I wanted to just cry. I kind of hide it from people or when I do complain, I don't let on to just how bad I hurt. Jacob knows, my family knows. Everyone else? I just say I'm fine when they ask.
As it turns out, the vertebrae on the outer side of my curve are normally spaced, while the vertebrae on the inside of the curve are narrow and very compressed. (Why no one noticed or bothered to mention this from my MRI I do not know). My hips and pelvis are uneven and so more weight gets put on one side of my back all the time.
While he can't promise to fix me, he's hopeful he can help a lot. He started easy yesterday. He's working muscles to stretch and work the ones that haven't been worked in ages. I've lost a TON of flexibility due to it.
I felt a slight difference last night and this morning. I'm back to a lot of pain right now, but this is a process and he said in about 3 weeks I'll hopefully notice a huge improvement. I go again tomorrow and I'm already looking forward to it.
I didn't really intend to write a book, but I just never know how to explain what I feel or am going through. People mean well when they give me advice, but most doesn't apply to my issues...except lifting. I'm working hard to consciously lift properly. Jacob pointed out how horribly I lift things. Bad habit that I HAVE to change. But, if you made it through this, please pray that I'll get some relief.
I don't expect to be healed (not that I could be), but I'd like to go on a walk without wanting to cry. I want to be able to stand more that 5 minutes without my back burning. I want to be able to do housework without wanting to give up on life.
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